HOW TO: Be Productive Using a Laptop Computer

Technology is incredibly annoying ... and helpful ... and fascinating .... and ANNOYING.  All I want to do is to answer an email from my child's teacher, look at the newest uploaded pics of a friend's puppy on Facebook, and check Wikipedia for the definitions of those ridiculous superhero phrases a friend of mine said I should Not read the definitions to.  Well, and pay a bill or two, but that's it.  Really.  Logically speaking, this should not take more that 15 to 20 minutes.  The steps required to achieve this seemingly simplistic goal would be as follows:

STEP 1:  

Turn on laptop and wait for wireless connection to complete.

STEP 2:

Double-click internet icon on screen.  Wait.  Discover that the "Page Cannot Be Found".  Try a different web address.  Determine that "Page Cannot Be Found" either.  Close internet window.  Check the laptop wireless connection status.  Connection status shows "Very Good" ... obviously not.  Click repair.  Wait.  Once the connection shows "Repair Successful", double-click the internet icon again.  Wait.

STEP 3:

Still no page found.  Check the laptop wireless connection status.  Determine that the laptop wireless connection is "Excellent".  Reason that this means either the wireless connection is lying, or all pages on the internet have risen up in mass mutiny against readers worldwide.  Sigh loudly and walk into adjoining room where wireless router is housed.  Check wireless router connection.

STEP 4:

Determine that the wireless router appears to be working normally.  Decide that resetting the router couldn't hurt. Find straight pin to use for pressing reset button on router ... impale hand while searching for said pin in bathroom drawer.  Curse under breath.  Use pin to reset router.  Wait for router to finish resetting ....

STEP 5:

... 4 Minutes Later ...

Determine that the router is showing all lights on ... except the one for wireless. Walk in circle around room muttering curses at computer equipment.  Walk back over to equipment and unplug all plugs and power cords.  Feel superior to equipment as it immediately shuts down & goes dark.  Wait.

STEP 6:

... 4 Minutes Later ...

Plug everything back in.  Hit head on corner of desk while standing up from plugging in power strip.  Rub temple and think of ways to smash equipment with a sledgehammer.  Wait for systems to finish coming back up.

STEP 7:

... 4 Minutes Later ...

Determine that the wireless light is still not showing on router.  Realize that while resetting the router, a cable disconnected from the back of the router.  Plug in offending cable.  See wireless light illuminate.  Feel superior for determining this small basic fix without the assistance of a semi-English speaking help desk.  

STEP 8:

Walk back into adjoining room to check laptop.  See that signal strength shows "Excellent".  Double click internet icon & watch as internet homepage slowly morphs onto the screen.  Get fed up with waiting.  Set clean up to begin for laptop hard drive.  Wait.

STEP 9:

... 4 Minutes Later ...

Double click internet icon and rejoice as homepage loads semi-swiftly.  Realize that you've forgotten what you needed to do online in the first place.  Play Collapse and surf Stumble Upon sites for an hour until finally remembering.  Complete original tasks.  Feel accomplished until realizing that everything could have been accomplished via one's smartphone over an hour before.  Walk away from computer.

Total Time Elapsed: approximately 1.5 hours (as opposed to the 15 to 20 minutes originally anticipated)  Now THAT'S productivity.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress