Levels of Heat

"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one that gets burned." ~ Buddha

I've been working on letting go of anger lately ... all sorts of it.  Normally I let go of it pretty immediately.  Address the situation, then let it be in the past.  Nothing that can be done to change it anyways.  There have been situations of late, however, that I've had a more difficult time doing that with .... I think mainly because I was unable to address those situations directly so that they could be in the past.  Anyway, I read the above quote and it really hit home.  Holding onto that anger ... that distrust .... those negative emotions .... it can really cause painful disfigurations!  Regardless of the reasons for the anger, or how deserving of one's anger the offending situation is, the fact remains that Buddha is completely correct.  The negativity simply tears you yourself apart in every way possible and creates infinitely more lasting damage on YOU than on the object of your issue.  Not saying that trust should immediately be given back, or that whatever situation it was should be seeked out to remain in the forefront of life so it can cause more pain.  Neither of those are realistic or wise, but letting go of the negativity and moving forward with life in a new direction with a more positive outlook is a better, happier, much more self-preserving option.

But what if the object of the anger is yourself?

What if that anger, that distrust, that deep-seated hatred against something that offends you completely, is directed by You at You?  Addressing it ... letting go of it ... making peace with it ... moving on from it ..... that becomes excruciatingly difficult.  The process of attempting to let go, in this case, seems to cause more scarring than any other form of letting go of anything in life.  How do you make peace with yourself when there's a part of you that wants to argue that which made you angry with yourself in the first place?  How do you let go of that inwardly directed anger in a way that's not just temporarily burying it so that it resurfaces again even stronger at a later date?  How do you work toward regaining trust and letting go of negativity toward that which you cannot escape from & stares you in the mirror every time you dare to take a glimpse?  How do you work on letting go of the anger that causes you to engage in forms of punishing yourself without losing who you are in the process?  It really doesn't matter what brought on the internalized anger, because forgiving yourself for anything, no matter how large or small, no matter how theoretical or realistic the issue, is one of the trickiest, most difficult, most scarring challenges ever embarked upon.  Those hot coals Buddha speaks of burn you & scar you from the inside out, and create wounds that feel almost impossible to heal. 

I know that normally I have a positive conclusion that I eventually reach in my blogs, and for the lack of that in this particular one I do apologize.  You see, I'm still learning to forgive myself, to discontinue the internalized negativity, to look in a mirror without annoyance or disgust.  I'm working on it, but it does take time ... and effort ... and honesty at levels I've never experienced before.  I'm hoping that the scars will heal in a pretty, faded pattern, but there's a long way to go and quite a lot of effort to put in before I reach that point.  I shall continue to reach for the nirvana that surely must be self-forgiveness.  Until then, any positive points of guidance will be appreciated.  That, and anyone who wants to join me on my journey for themselves, please feel free to tag along!

Best of luck to all of us!
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress