In The Aftermath of Beloved Loss ... What Can We Learn?

Robin Williams died today.  Not via some physically degenerating disease, or by someone else's hand, his demise was to succumb to suicide after a long, difficult battle with depression.  The ripple effect created by anyone's suicide is enormous and debilitating for those left behind in its wake.  No tidal wave or tsunami on this planet can wreak the level of havoc that is felt emotionally by those affected, especially the ones closest to the suicide victim.  

Yes, victim.  I use the word victim because even though the person may have taken their life by their own hand, the weeks, the days, the moments leading up to such a final decision are as excruciating and painful as any physical disease could possibly be.  We've all seen that commercial with the phrase "depression hurts", but unless you've been in the depths of despair that true, deep depression creates, you have no idea of how it affects one's mind, one's outlook, one's self-perception.  While we, as an audience, adored, appreciated, and admired Robin Williams for many years as an actor and comedian, and we, as an audience, feel deep sorrowful loss over his death, he may have never realized how far reaching our true appreciation of him and his craft continued to be.  Depression is a disease that plays horrible tricks on your psyche, and, left untreated or not properly and effectively treated, can ultimately kill you just as easily as any brain tumor.  It can cripple a person of its own accord, or in conjunction with a variety of other emotional or mental issues such as bi-polar disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, eating disorders ..... the list is endless.

I can only imagine the intense pain, grief, and moments of "what if" that his family and closest friends are experiencing right now.  I myself have been on both sides of that kind of grief and pain.  From losing close friends to suicide at a young age and dealing with the "what if" guilt, to being in the depths of depression so severe that I contemplated, and at one point actually planned, the same suicidal demise for myself.  Both sides are horrible places to be, but for those left behind, the horror is infinitely longer lasting and can affect your countenance, your emotions, and your decision processes with regards to relationships for the rest of your life.

My heart goes out to his family and friends, and I sincerely hope that they ultimately receive the counselling so integral to not allowing his death to take over the remainder of their lives.  For anyone who is contemplating the same fate, don't.  No matter how dark and filled with a black void the future seems, it truly is not.  Get help.  And if you know someone who seems to be going down that dark path of severe depression, reach out.  If I hadn't had a friend reach out to me many years ago under those same circumstances, I wouldn't be here today writing this blog you're reading!  Above all, never forget that no matter how bleak or desperate life seems at the moment, or has seemed over however long a period of time, there is always good, there are always those who care whether you realize it or not, and there is always HOPE ... no matter how far-fetched it may seem at the current moment.  

Robin Williams may have died, but don't allow his death to be a blotch on the psyche of society, allow it to raise awareness for the severity and consequences that mental illness and depression can create.  He brought joy to so many through the last few decades.  Maybe his death can raise awareness to the point that others who may not have sought help before, learn to find joy within themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Help For and Information About Depression:

• http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/help-for-depression#TreatmentFacts1
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
• http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/18/9-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/

Suicide Assistance:

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
• http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
• http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

6 Things Someone Should Never Say To A Person With An Eating Disorder

I read an absolutely wonderful article by Anna Breslaw entitled "10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression". ( http://www.cosmopolitan.com/_mobile/sex-love/advice/things-not-to-say-depression ) It was dead on, and quite fantastic. As I myself was diagnosed with depression in conjuction with my eating disorder, I felt inspired to write a similar version for eating disorders themselves ... here goes .......

1. Just EAT. It's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it IS that big of a deal. As someone with an eating disorder (Anorexia / Bulimia in my case), I am usually either freaked out by eating in the first place, terrified (illogically, i realize) of looking and feeling like a beached whale if I do so, worried that if I eat anything at all I may not win the battle of keeping it down, and paranoid about eating anything in front of someone else, especially someone who would make that statement.  Most people who suffer from eating disorders feel some or all of these things too. To a "normal" person, munching down on a burger and fries, or a slice of pizza when hunger occurs is no big deal. To someone suffering from an ED, it's not only a huge deal, it messes with your mind and can freak you out for an entire evening. Don't assume or act like it's an attitude issue.

2. You look so healthy!
Obviously, whomever says this is attempting a compliment, but to someone with an eating disorder, compliments that focus on the physical get warped in our heads. The word "healthy" is worst of all. In this age of the media driven American Obesity Epidemic, the word "healthy" becomes "huge", or "humongous", or "hefty", or any other adjective that begins with the letter H and is defined as Large. It may not make sense, but that's what happens. Compliment our shoes, clothes, hair, or new mani pedi, and we'll be just fine. Compliment our physicality, especially with the word "healthy", and you run the risk of us obsessing over and mentally picking apart every flaw we perceive in every body part we possess for at least the next 5+ hours.

3. Do you know how many fat grams are in that?!
Why yes, we do. We probably also know the calorie count, exact serving size, sodium, and carb counts, and may have even memorized the entire nutrition label. Don't go there.

4. I'm on this new diet /exercise program that's fantastic! You should try it!
Good job. The person saying this has now basically (to our way of thinking), said that we are fat, ugly, or need physical improvement in some form. While many times a statement of this form is simply someone who's excited about what they're doing in their own life and wants to share it conversationally, to someone with an ED it registers as a big put-down.  Most people don't mean it that way, but that's how we process it in our heads. Additionally, if whomever is saying something like that is already aware the person they're talking to has an eating disorder .... well that's either just plain mean, or a show of stupidity, or both.

5. You don't have enough food on your plate! .. or .. You should really eat more.
Most of the time, this one is said by a well-meaning family member who is offering their opinion with zero malice whatsoever. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us any less self-conscious or uncomfortable. Here's the truth. If we're actually attempting to eat, don't give us a hard time about it. Better yet, ignore the fact that we're eating completely. Just because we may carefully measure out, or even weigh out our portions does not mean that we "need more", it means we're trying to get normal and healthy with our eating.

6. You don't Look like you have an eating disorder!

There is no "look" that is universal for an eating disorder. Period. Even if we're 5'6" and weigh 98 pounds soaking wet, we still view ourselves as imperfect or fat. EDs come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and nationalities.  Don't assume. Things are not always what they appear to be.

I'm only going to go as far as "The Top Six", because there are so many facets to various forms of Eating Disorders that it would end up being a "Top 100" if I were to try to hit all of them. The bottom line is this; eating disorders are a documented disease. They begin because of many possible entities, some more tragic and damaging than others, and morph into every possible form of mental anguish as the person suffering attempts to control them .. because in reality, we are controlled by them in almost every way imaginable.  They create intense personal, mental, and self-esteem issues, distort our thought processes, are a cause of many relationship issues, and are a catalyst for health problems that can ultimately kill you. They require long-term therapy and medical oversight, major support, and love without judgment to overcome. As with many healing processes, things can and will get worse before they get better if the person is trying to fight to get well ... kind of like cleaning out a closet.

The best path to take, if you love someone who deals with an ED, is to daily hug, love, be open-minded (regardless of your understanding or lack thereof), and simply say "I'm here for you ... no judgment". Honestly though, don't we All want that from those around us anyway?

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress