Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life as a Philosophical Seussism

Dr. Seuss was a Master Philosopher.  I firmly believe this.  All you have to do is read even slightly between the lines of his, on the surface, nonsensical writing style, or take a look at any of his many famous quotes, and the truth is absolutely there.

Consider the quote, "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  While I feel like I need to write this as a reminder at the top of every physics exam page, it is also quite true for most of life.  We overthink, and stress about, and complicate so much of our daily occurrences. If we were to, instead, take a deep breath, step back, and truly look at the entire picture, then focus on the solution, might not the best answer be the simplist one possible?

What about the phrase from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish? "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"  No.  Joke.  From children, to pets, to random humans in the grocery or on the street, to the silly stupid jokes shared with those closest to you, there is almost always something out there to laugh at .... including yourself!

Another, would be from The Lorax, "It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become."  This one I believe to be true for both good and bad, positive and negative, truths and lies, and everything in-between.  Think about it.  All things are what they are, and are exactly what they are in the way that one sees, interprets, and applies them.  They begin as they exactly are, and become whatever we turn them into.  Ponder that one.

The quote that I deep down believe was a political statement (well hidden) is from The Cat In The Hat.  "And this mess is so big, and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up, there is no way at all!"  That one, politically, speaks for itself (in my opinion).

My personal favorite, that I tend to revert to like a mantra whenever I'm stressed out or hurt by other people in life is a quote that's not from one of his books.  It goes like this, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see.  Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"  Best.  Empowering.  Quote.  Ever.

There are literally THOUSANDS of quotes and passages from Dr. Suess's books and lifetime that would apply to my life, your life, and the life of everyone and everything on this planet in almost any situation or scenario.  Here is a link if you want to look at more of them: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/61105.Dr_Seuss

Until next time, try to remember as you go forward in your day the immortal, philosophical words "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)"


~ The Girl In The LIttle Black Dress (with assistance from Dr. Seuss)

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

In The Aftermath of Beloved Loss ... What Can We Learn?

Robin Williams died today.  Not via some physically degenerating disease, or by someone else's hand, his demise was to succumb to suicide after a long, difficult battle with depression.  The ripple effect created by anyone's suicide is enormous and debilitating for those left behind in its wake.  No tidal wave or tsunami on this planet can wreak the level of havoc that is felt emotionally by those affected, especially the ones closest to the suicide victim.  

Yes, victim.  I use the word victim because even though the person may have taken their life by their own hand, the weeks, the days, the moments leading up to such a final decision are as excruciating and painful as any physical disease could possibly be.  We've all seen that commercial with the phrase "depression hurts", but unless you've been in the depths of despair that true, deep depression creates, you have no idea of how it affects one's mind, one's outlook, one's self-perception.  While we, as an audience, adored, appreciated, and admired Robin Williams for many years as an actor and comedian, and we, as an audience, feel deep sorrowful loss over his death, he may have never realized how far reaching our true appreciation of him and his craft continued to be.  Depression is a disease that plays horrible tricks on your psyche, and, left untreated or not properly and effectively treated, can ultimately kill you just as easily as any brain tumor.  It can cripple a person of its own accord, or in conjunction with a variety of other emotional or mental issues such as bi-polar disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, eating disorders ..... the list is endless.

I can only imagine the intense pain, grief, and moments of "what if" that his family and closest friends are experiencing right now.  I myself have been on both sides of that kind of grief and pain.  From losing close friends to suicide at a young age and dealing with the "what if" guilt, to being in the depths of depression so severe that I contemplated, and at one point actually planned, the same suicidal demise for myself.  Both sides are horrible places to be, but for those left behind, the horror is infinitely longer lasting and can affect your countenance, your emotions, and your decision processes with regards to relationships for the rest of your life.

My heart goes out to his family and friends, and I sincerely hope that they ultimately receive the counselling so integral to not allowing his death to take over the remainder of their lives.  For anyone who is contemplating the same fate, don't.  No matter how dark and filled with a black void the future seems, it truly is not.  Get help.  And if you know someone who seems to be going down that dark path of severe depression, reach out.  If I hadn't had a friend reach out to me many years ago under those same circumstances, I wouldn't be here today writing this blog you're reading!  Above all, never forget that no matter how bleak or desperate life seems at the moment, or has seemed over however long a period of time, there is always good, there are always those who care whether you realize it or not, and there is always HOPE ... no matter how far-fetched it may seem at the current moment.  

Robin Williams may have died, but don't allow his death to be a blotch on the psyche of society, allow it to raise awareness for the severity and consequences that mental illness and depression can create.  He brought joy to so many through the last few decades.  Maybe his death can raise awareness to the point that others who may not have sought help before, learn to find joy within themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Help For and Information About Depression:

• http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/help-for-depression#TreatmentFacts1
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
• http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/18/9-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/

Suicide Assistance:

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
• http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
• http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

There's No One Perfect Answer

Today a friend confided horrid news that's left her feeling broken and embarrassed and depressed. Same thing happened with another friend a few days ago, something happened that left her feeling hurt and helpless and worried. While the situations are different, the results are similar. It happens to all of us at some point. Something unfortunate or horrible happens due to the actions of others, and we're left to muddle through a myriad of terrible, self-recriminating emotions. Why do we ultimately allow others, no matter how close, to have such control over how we feel about ourselves?

I am one of the world's worst about this. I tend to turn around negative situations and blame myself immediately. I try not to, I attempt to think it through logically, reminding myself that I cannot control the actions of others, but it's just not that easy to move beyond the depression and self-hatred sometimes.

A wise person once told me that our Feelings in reaction to any situation are Never wrong. It's what we Do with those feelings, our Actions in response to them, that can be appropriate or inappropriate. I find that somehow comforting. It's okay to feel these horrible, uncomfortable emotions, but as long as we find a way to actively release them that works for us and doesn't cause additional stress to any innocent bystanders in the process, then there's no wrong way to go about it. Be it confiding in a friend who has a great shoulder to cry on, be it joining a support group or talking to a professional, be it painting, or exercise, or long walks, or rearranging the furniture in every room of the house .... there's no one correct way to release and move forward. It's whatever works for each individual.

I suppose it's all ultimately a healing process. Our feelings towards ourselves, our feelings towards those who caused our pain, how we ultimately find the strength, courage, fortitude, and forgiveness to move forward with our lives in a new direction that we might never have planned for. The point is, that we Move Forward. Some of the most beautiful things in life can eventually grow out of the muck, if we only allow them to do so.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress