The Cha-Cha Dance of American Democracy

July 4th is nationally recognized as a day to celebrate American independence from British rule. And while this is definitely a day to celebrate and be thankful, it is also an opportunity to take a step back and give our current situation serious thought.

The preamble of the Declaration of Independence states, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Inspiring words, written by many equally inspiring individuals. While the Declaration of Independence is not a legally binding document, it does state the premises that America was founded upon, and under current political conditions, it brings to mind the question of whether or not our current government is upholding those premises.

"All men are created equal." While technically at the time this was written, they didn't exactly mean every human being in the country - women were considered inferior and anyone of color was given the asinine designation of 3/5 of a person (which is stupid - how is that even evolutionarily possible?!) - thanks to the 13th and 14th Amendments that issue was legally rectified.

Unfortunately, hundreds of years later, we are still experiencing some of the same biased, unenlightened rhetoric that existed back then. If everyone is equal and entitled to the same rights and due process then why are people of color subjected to harsher judicial punishments, rampant profiling, and far higher instances of death during an arrest than their caucasian counterparts?

One of the current arguments at hand is the existence of the American police force. Many groups are claiming that the origins of the police as we know it in the U.S. are slave patrols. The reality is, that fact is only true in the south or what would have been the confederacy during the American Civil War.

The earliest examples of policing were night watchmen in the 1600s created to protect colonial shipping interests (what would now be considered corporate interests). Many of the colonial night watchmen were actually criminals given the duty as a punishment - which speaks even more broadly to corruption in the police force that dates back to its origins - but the point I'm making here is that not all police forces in America date back to slave patrols. However, since according to the preamble "when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security" changes MUST be made to our country's current outdated policing, judicial, and legal system tactics. If everyone is now truly equal under Constitutional protections, then policing efforts should reflect that fact and not randomly backslide into colonial-era mentality.

In a truly interesting article entitled "The Stylistic Artistry of the Declaration" written by Stephen E. Lucas, it is noted that the Declaration of Independence actually contains a series of five propositions each building upon the other. First, "all men are created equal," which leads to "they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights," which then leads to "among these (rights) are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." 

Those first three propositions lend themselves directly to the final two "to secure these rights governments are instituted among men" and the final and what I think is the most important "whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends (meaning the aforementioned rights of everyone) it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it."

Now obviously the American forefathers were referring to unreasonable royal rule by King George from an ocean away, but our current political situation isn't honestly that much different. America has a presidency and federal government that may technically be considered 'elected', but between the electoral college that seems to override the popular vote (which should be considered the true "will of the people") and proven foreign government interference in the electoral process, our country is largely being governed by a group of narcissistic, money-grubbing nihilists that are far more concerned with personal lobbyist payouts than the needs of the populations whom they're supposed to represent. 

This fact is especially true at the leadership level - the presidency in particular. When Donald J. Trump originally took office, there were many that labored under the delusion that putting in place someone to run the country with the strategy of a corporate business would alleviate many of the perceived economic issues. In theory, that may have sounded like a good idea, but in reality, when you put a corrupt corporate leader who bankrupts his own companies, prefers to shoot first and ask questions later when it comes to policy dealings, finds the company of totalitarians and dictators preferable to that of reasonable democratic leaders, and seems to think that all White House staff and advisors should be treated like contestants in his former reality show (complete with weekly firings and social media bashings), you've literally created a situation that sends America straight down the road of tyranny that our forefathers fought so hard to eradicate.

So what can we do? First and foremost, Speak Up. No matter whether it's phone calls and letters, opinion editorials, news interviews, taking part in peaceful protests, testifying at your local and state hearings, or (especially!) the simple act of voting - the only way we are going to turn this governmental travesty around is by making the people's voices heard. 

That last point, VOTING, is incredibly important. 

Vote to end the electoral college (which was created in the late 1700s when this country was widespread and vastly undeveloped to ensure that those who did not have access to information about the presidential candidates were properly represented in the voting process - which is obviously now a moot point and has been for a long time). 

Vote to ensure term limits. It's far more likely that someone who only is allowed to hold an office for a few terms will put forth and enact legislation in the best interests of the people that they represent instead of the interests of the highest paying lobbyist that approaches them.

Vote to remove blatant corruption from elected office. The cast of players that currently hold power looks a lot like a Shakespearean tragedy. Thieves (example: Richard Burr - NC), villains (example: Mitch McConnell - KY), and groups of despots (prime example: Donald Trump, et al) abound.

Change happens one small step at a time, and even though sometimes it feels like for every step forward there are two steps back, it's all worth the effort when that perceived cha-cha of effort ultimately gets us where we need to be. 

So on this national day of thankfulness and remembrance let's be thankful for the sacrifices of those long before us that gave their lives to ensure our freedom - and let's also think and move forward to make sure their sacrifices did not go to waste!


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Survivor's Take on Marsy's Law

Politics are a messy business.  This country was founded on the rights of all citizens to be heard, and to be considered equal.  It was also founded on the premise that anyone accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty.  That's easier said than done.  There is always doubt.  There are always multiple sides to every story, and in that same vein, each side honestly believes that they are correct in their recollection of the incident.  But what about when there is undeniable proof of a crime?  What happens when the accusations are over, and the hearings, or the trial, are over?  What happens when the restraining orders expire and there are no longer legalities rolling through their governmental red tape processes?  Are the victims of said crime magically healed?  Is the accused suddenly reformed?  Do the rights of one side take precedence over the other?

A few years ago, I unwillingly became a survivor of domestic violence. This is not something that I have shared previously with all of you.  Partially because I am not a person to air personal issues publicly, partially because I was scared of him and did not want the backlash, and partially because no one wants to admit that some proverbial ogre got the better of them.  No. More.  I did not get insanely beaten up, but I was threatened, badgered, verbally battered, bruised, and verbally abused.  My home was trashed and physically shattered, my children and pets were endangered, and I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from the ordeal.  I lost my confidence, my courage, and my trust in humanity.  Throughout the initial court process a group called Safe Alliance was my lifeline.  They walked me through every point of the process, got me a qualified lawyer to represent and fight for me when I could not, and gave me hugs when I was too terrified of the world to walk out into it.  But they could only go so far.  When my abuser was released from psychiatric commitment, I was not notified by the hospital nor the authorities, I was told by a close friend of his that was concerned for my safety.  After my abuser continually violated the restraining orders I had against him, and months later was jailed for similar crimes against others, I was not notified of his release, nor of the fact that he had reentered the area.  I was notified that he was working in an area nearby by another concerned friend of his, never by law enforcement or the district attorney, as the current law states should occur.  This man ultimately put my children at risk with his violent behavior and threats, and created a hell on earth life for me where I was so terrified of him that I blamed myself for the violence, cowered in fear in my own home, and felt it necessary to push large furniture against the doors nightly for months, until I moved residences without a forwarding address.  Even though there are still, to this day, warrants out for his arrest because of his multiple restraining order violations, the restraining order extension has expired. I worry every time I walk outside and am in constant stress about my children being away from home.  It's no way to live, truly actually Live life.

Marsy's Law is a constitutional amendment on the ballot this election.  Essentially it strengthens protection for victims of crime.  From requiring notification of hearings, escape, parole, and release, to allowing victims to appear at hearings and speak at such, it's a step in the right direction for victims' rights ... IF it's enforced.  Currently, the law in North Carolina states that notification is required "as soon as is practicable, but within 72 hours after identifying a victim covered by this Article, with ...".  It goes on to list available medical services, crime victims' compensation, address and phone number of the district attorney, and access to applicable law enforcement that should be given to the victim involved.  Seeing as my abuser managed to begin violating the initial emergency restraining order within 24 to 36 hours, and even though I called 911 and had all my paperwork, he ran away before they could arrest him, and the police didn't feel it was worth the effort to chase him down, the 72 hour thing appears to be a useless venture.  Furthermore, while the domestic violence team of my local law enforcement agency did do a great job of contacting me on a weekly basis for the first 6 to 8 months after the hearing, no one ever alerted me to his movements or release from any psychiatric or correctional facility.  In dealing with the healing process involved for not just myself, but also my family, those "heads up" moments would have been extraordinarily helpful.  Instead we, as a family, suffered emotional setbacks and continued worry and constant fear due in part to a lack of communication by the authorities and judicial system.  I would hope that my experience would not be the case for victims of felonious violent crime, as domestic violence is only considered a 'misdemeanor',  But, isn't any violent crime against another human being worth preventing and protecting, regardless of what 'label' the law puts upon it?

I know that there are those out there that will argue that once people serve their time, they should not have to endure a life sentence of judicial recrimination.  The ACLU is actually one of the groups lobbying against this Amendment. While I agree with many tenants of what the ACLU stands for, as a survivor of domestic violence who felt failed by the supposed protections of the law during my ordeal, I have a real problem with how our current laws actually follow through on violent crime cases.  I made the mistake of trusting my attacker for years before he brutally betrayed that trust, and still have trouble not startling when I hear noises while walking, or instinctively flinching when I'm not expecting the passing touch of someone nearby.  I cannot imagine what those who endure random violent crime experiences must be facing on a societal trust basis daily!  This Amendment can do wonderful things for those of us that have triumphed over the violent behavior of others, but Only if it is Actually and Consistently Enforced.

I implore law enforcement to take victims' rights seriously, and to actively attempt to enforce what the law already says.  In the hope that Marsy's Law is passed, I beg both law enforcement and the district attorney's offices to adhere to All Notification Stipulations Without Fail.  I know what acquiring post traumatic stress disorder in, what should be the safety of, your own home is like ... I can't imagine the hell that survivors of violent crime in random situations go through daily.

If nothing else spurs you on, then allow this blog to do so.  Get Out There And Vote.  Make your voice heard, and, vote your conscience for this Amendment.  Allow your voice to do for others what violent offenders strip their ability to do for themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

For more information on Marsy's Law:
https://marsyslaw.us

For more information on Safe Alliance:
https://safealliance.org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org

A Life Worth Living

I know it's been a long time since I posted, and for that I apologize. Life has been, well, Life. Today's events, however, caused me to sit back and contemplate.

I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my childhood friends today. She was a beautiful, amazing woman who brightened the life of anyone she met. She did so right up until the end of her very brief, but truly courageous battle with cancer. Being at that service, and reconnecting with, if only for a moment, all the friends that I cherished so greatly growing up caused me to ponder the true shortness of life. Why does it take a tragedy to bring people out of the daily requirements of our existence to come together?

As a kid, there was a sense of infallibility. We all had it. Our friends, our family, and those who surrounded us would, in our minds, be there for eternity. As we grew into adults, daily life took over. Always a chore, always a preconceived need, always someone or something that required our immediate attention. The days of carefree attention to the moment at hand left by the wayside. My point, is that really the best way to live? Is something like a work deadline, or a household chore really more important than taking active part in our children's & family's lives or taking a few moments to lend an ear to someone we love? Why do we make the mundane tasks of everyday the precedent takers, as opposed to the moments and memories that become so much more long term important when those that we love are no longer there?

The lessons of today, for me anyways, are this ... take time, even if only for a moment each day, to notice the sunshine peeking through the rain clouds. To pay attention to that person who may need a hand. To applaud the small glimpses of brilliance your child has daily. To hug a friend. To really kiss & say loving words to your significant other. To truly listen with both ears regardless of the situation. To simply take a second to breathe deeply and be present and involved with not just your own world, but the world of those you hold dear in your life.

We only get one shot at this go round. Make it count. If we close our eyes and hearts too long, it just might pass us by.

Hugs & love to all
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Quest

I've learned many lessons over the past year.... actually, "learned" may not not be the appropriate word... honestly, I've taken the opportunity to regain parts of myself which were lost or buried over the past decades.

I used to be brave. While I've always tried to find the positive in any situation, due to many years of emotional beat downs in life, I lost the ability to truly be brave in my own mind. Over the past few months I've refound that bravery. Call it inspiration, or simply the support of those who mean the most to me when needed, regardless of the reason, it's back. For that, I am grateful.

I used to be a dreamer. Those same emotional beat downs temporarily took that away from me ... no more!  I can again dream, I can again aspire, I again truly believe!

Not saying that there aren't challenges in life, there are every day. However, healing, no matter how slowly, causes the scars of past pains to eventually recede to the point of naked eye invisibility. The wearer knows they're there ... the beholder, not so much.

One year ago I was shrinking and terrified .. blockading the doors nightly to keep my children and myself safe.  I look back on that woman and would not wish those feelings or circumstances on my worst enemy. This past year's introspection & support have given way to a new woman. One who looks at her surroundings and actively determines what is best for her and her children's lives, not just "doormats" herself on the whims of unbeknownst untrustworthy others.

Most importantly, I've learned to forgive myself. Everyone makes mistakes. In judgement, in actions, and in life. None of us are perfect. To be able to forgive yourself, means the ability to move forward in your own life. Not an easy obstacle to overcome.

So on this, the eve of renewal, I salute that scared, downtrodden, terrified individual I was at this time last year. Thank you for the lessons. They are the best gift one could give themselves to move forward in life. Cheers!

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Life Of A Phoenix

I completed one of those online "which ___ are you" questionnaires today. In this case it was about Greek mythological beings. Mine came back as "Phoenix". I love phoenixes. They are reborn from the ashes of each death to live another, fuller life, they are beautiful, and mysterious, they can carry loads 1000s of times their size, and (as learned from the Harry Potter movies) can heal any wound with simply their tears. What a wonderful thing to associate oneself with.

Personally, as those of you that read this on a regular basis know, I've dealt with a lot over the past year or so. Simply another reason to appreciate the Phoenix. No matter what life throws you, or how difficult the trial may seem, there's always an opportunity to "rise from the ashes" to live anew another day, as long as you're willing to embrace it and the lessons involved. The loads of life can be carried as long as you're willing to spread your wings and try to fly, and the sun will actually rise again for another chance, regardless of how deathly the previous day showed itself to be. The wounds inflicted by life can begin healing with empathy towards them, and, no matter how ragged you feel after a day in the trenches, those aforementioned characteristics will allow your true, erethral beauty to shine through.

So here's to all the phoenixes of the world. May you carry the loads, heal the wounds, reinvent yourselves from the ashes, and rejoice in your own beauty. They world needs more of that in it.

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Serenity of Gratefulness

The beginning of a new year tends to bring about reminiscences of the passing year's adventures had, triumphs won, and moments lost. It's difficult not to rejoice in the new year's upcoming possibilities without dwelling, at least momentarily, upon times past.

I had lunch with a sweet friend the other day. Both of us have experienced fairly major life changes over the past year. As we chatted and laughed, enjoying the few hours we had without worries or responsibilities, I felt a sense of carefree happiness, the likes of which I haven't felt in many months. It occurred to me, that being grateful for moments of that nature, is a much better use of my year-end reminiscing than worrying about the past, or the future. So, in an effort to pay homage to all forms of moments upcoming, and those gone but not forgotten, I've decided to write a Grateful List.

 

• Family - Through good and bad, exciting and mundane, happy and sad, they are and will always be a constant. There are times that their well-meaning assistance helps, and there are times that it has been known to drive us all a bit nuts, but family will always be a part of our lives. Our children and all the insightful, surprising lessons they teach us, just by being themselves, every day; our parents and family members with all of their well-meaning help and encouragement, even though they may frustrate us at times because their views and beliefs may not coincide with our own, from them we have the ability to learn so much about ourselves and the world around us. A living breathing reminder of who we are, where we've come from, and the manifestation of the hopes for generations to come. For that, I am Grateful.
• Relationships - No matter whether they're current or former, positive or negative, happy or painful, there is always something learned from each and every one. Some lessons are about how we perceive others, some are about how we view ourselves. As long as we pay attention and utilize the lessons that are there for us, no relationship is ever a waste of time. Even the ones that make us wonder how on earth we could have been that stupid hold valuable lessons for us to take forward in our lives. I am grateful for the lessons of past and present relationships.
• There are so many other things, big and small, that we might overlook in the hustle and bustle of daily life, that are cause for reflection and a moment of gratitude towards the universe. The smile of a child, the sight of a flower or beautiful sunset. The warmth of a hug, the kindness of a stranger, the sound of laughter with a friend. Random acts of kindness, or someone simply taking the time to listen and care. The warmth and scent of a roaring fire on a chilly evening, the caress of a cool breeze on a hot day, the pure joy of a pet's loving greeting upon your arrival home (even if you've only been gone for a few minutes!). A place to call home, the aroma of fresh baked goods, the sound of music on a starry night. For all of these things, and many more, I am truly grateful.

Take a moment, in the birth month of this new year, to stop, contemplate, and enjoy the immediate present. No matter what that immediate present may be, I bet you find a bit of happiness in it. All you have to do is stop, look, and be there.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Lemons Without Sugar

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
The truth is, some people like lemons. They like the tart sourness, and enjoy the taste that scrunches up the faces of others in dismay. Not that there's anything wrong with liking lemons, but in the general living of daily life, it makes you wonder about those who get pleasure or solace from watching others experience discomfort. In some cases, it's not that they actually like the lemon taste, but that they enjoy experiencing that sour taste discomfort in themselves. Why?
Various forms of mental illness can manifest in a similar way. A desire to feel companionship in misery by watching others feel angst. A deep seated self hatred that causes a need to create misery in one's self. A desperate desire to create a catalyst that causes the world around them to take notice and actively care in any form possible. None of it is positive. All of it is treatable ... if only the person allows it to be.
I think of the quote from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, "Everyone's got a little bit of loser in them." It's true. None of us are perfect. The only way that we can get through life and look at ourselves in the mirror on a daily basis with any clarity is to accept that we all hurt and can cause hurt, we all bleed and can cut others, and that we all must take ownership of each and every choice we make in life both positive and negative in order to proceed forward or make things right. None of us are infallible, but we all have the propensity to have empathy for those who require some form of assistance to see that in themselves. Additionally, when you truly love someone who is experiencing a break in their humanistic capacities, you don't damn them, you help them. They may not see it as help initially, but in the end, with proper guidance, they will.
As I write this, I can't help but think of the outpouring of support I've experienced over the past few days. Without it, I wouldn't be writing this post. I'd be curled up in a corner, a dissolving mess, unable to function due to stress and worry over things I have no control. While I've shed more tears lately than I have in a long time, I also know deep in my soul that by helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive.
Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Lessons of Life, Learned From Our Children

Today was National Daughter's Day. That which we learn from our children is so much more than anything we learn about life in any other fashion, so I thought I'd list a Top 6 Life Lessons that my daughter has taught me.

1. Living isn't about you.
From the moment she was born, life and its daily living has been about many other entities than other than myself. From her, to her friends & activities, to simply developing a higher level of empathy for the world surrounding us ... what's important in the world is way more than the space we ourselves exist in.

2. The little stuff matters most.
From crayon drawings, to noticing birds & butterflies, to the interesting shapes that clouds become, the little things in life have the ability to bring the utmost wonder and joy. Appreciation of them makes every day better.

3. Find happiness in the mundane.
As adults, we don't think of our jobs or daily chores as something to rejoice over. Yet, in the eyes of a child, that copier with all the bells and whistles, or the class that you're teaching, or the aura of watching a show you're working on from the stage wings, are the coolest, most incredible smiling moments of the day. Embrace and find awe in what we, as grown ups, find the most normal and boring.

4. Accept everyone.
Kids are colorblind, gender blind, and generally accepting of everyone regardless of race, gender, or creed. I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten, she came home to inform me that she had a new friend. I asked her what her friend was like. She responded that she was fun, funny, intelligent, had black hair, & brown skin. If we all looked at personality traits first, then attributed physical traits to the colors in the crayon box, we might all be a lot less pre-judgemental and a lot more accepting.

5. Physical capabilities have no bearing on the awesomeness of the person.
My daughter became heavily involved in volunteering with special needs children while in middle school. Seeing her work with them, and watching the joy and growth that they achieved just by being allowed to be themselves without judgement or preconceived notions was awe inspiring. The simple act of treating every person, no matter who they are, as an equal brings out the best in everyone.

6. The unknown can be better than anything you dreamed up previously.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was on track to begin a dance career with Paramount. I have never once regretted changing course. The precious moments I've experienced, and the things that I've learned with her, are worth multiple lifetimes of anything I could have done on my own otherwise. Period.

If you have kids, love, adore, appreciate, and learn from them everyday. They truly are a blessing and gift from the greatest of higher powers. If you don't have them, know that if and when you do, your life will irrevocably change for the better. Even if they're someone else's children that you simply are a caregiver for, or mentor to, the daily moments and lessons are the most fantastic you'll ever have the good fortune to learn. Embrace it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Autumn Eve Musings

It's our first firepit night of the season. While I realize this may be mundane news to many, I love what it represents. Seasons changing, dying out of the old and fresh opportunities of the new, excitement of that which is to come .... like the Phoenix that dies out to be reborn through fire and ash, the first firepit night reminds me of what is past and causes me to look forward towards what is to come.

Happy Autumn!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Attitude and Options

The life of a pet. Have you ever considered it? No matter what breed of animal they are, we love them like family and tend to discipline them in that same manner. They, of course, respond in kind. A home front chain of command of sorts. The underlings learn to act and respond in the manner in which they are treated. As I watch our dog play with our kitten, greet us excitedly when we arrive home, and hide under the bed when scolded, it occurs to me that humanity isn't that much different.

Whether we want to believe it or not, we are all slaves to our loved ones, our livelihoods, and the society that surrounds us. We strive for approval, love, and positive reinforcement from the people and things that are important to us, and our learned actions (or reactions) tend to mirror that which is done to us on a regular basis. The scriptures that tell us to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," are dead on target when it comes to reciprocating behavior, no matter what species or situation we're dealing with. Why then, do we allow ourselves to live in, to stay a slave to, that which causes us stress, grief, or angst at every turn?

All species have the capacity to love and hate, to act with caring or disdain, to help or to hurt. As humans, we have the additional capacity to actively choose which of those options we wish to utilize in any situation, and, if necessary, we can choose to to walk away from any situation that doesn't meet our needs if we cannot change it to do so. Unlike our pets who may bare their teeth and growl, or run and hide under the furniture in response to negativity, we have the capability to leave and start over. To find a new attitude, a new livelihood, a new living space, a new love of life. While there are constants that will follow us, the ultimate result of how we live is up to us individually. To say that any situation requires us to stay put in misery is unrealistic. Even our pets know when to cut and run. So how do we apply that thought process of finding happiness in our lives?

You may have heard the phrase "It's all about attitude." It truly is. Our attitude towards others, whether they be in positions of power, or those that we have some form of power over as parents, teachers, bosses, or the like ... If we show understanding, caring, and acceptance, it's likely the same will be shown toward us in return. Our attitudes toward ourselves. If we embrace instead of damn ourselves for that which makes us unique and different, and find ways to incorporate those attributes into our lives and livelihoods, we have the fantastic opportunity to live in a way that we can be the most happy and have the fewest regrets. Blaming the actions of others for occurrences in our own lives does no one any good. Ultimately, all of life's scenarios are born of our own choices.

As I write this, our dog is now alternately running around the yard with our neighbor's puppy, and attempting to jump in my lap for a scratch behind the ears. Soon, she'll trot indoors to touch noses with our kitten, then engage in a game of chase that will drive me batty. She is exactly who she is, loud, loyal, loving, playful, energetic, protective, and a bit impish ... no excuses, no regrets. While she tries to listen, learn, and make us happy, she is who she is and would be exactly that regardless of where she was or whom she was with.
A lesson for humanity.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Clarity Through The Dust Storms of Life

Life is a proverbial whirlwind. Sometimes you're at the edge of it, floating in the circling breeze. Sometimes you're in the center of it, swirling so fast you don't know which direction is which, and some moments are simply somewhere in between. Dust and debris from the rapid winds can cloud your vision and your senses, so densely at certain points that it feels difficult to breathe. All you can do is keep trying to ride the cyclonic winds out until you reach that floating edge again.

A dear friend of mine has recently been experiencing the center winds of her own cyclonic storm, yet found a way to see past all the dust and debris. She's allowing me to share her experiences, and epiphanies, via her own words.

"Things I've learned being with my daughter (way too many times, and way too long) in the hospital :

1. The little prince was right. It is not with the eye one sees, but with the heart. Differences in nationality, mother tongue, religion, exterior looks, and age are completly insignificant. It is your smile, your kindness (or the lack of it), your approach towards others and essentially, your heart, which really matter. My daughter made friends of every single type. Muslims, Christians, handicapped - all these made no difference to her. I wish I could say the same for myself. As the song in Pocahontas goes- it's the colour of your heart that matters.
On a side note - I was sitting outside one day, when a young mother came and sat not far from me with her toddler in a wheelchair. He was completly maldeformed, reminding me of the hunchback of Notredam. Interestingly, contrary to my natural instinct to feel the need to flee, I looked him in the eyes. It was truly amazing. It took 2 seconds for me to fall for him. See, his eyes said it all - he was just a boy. A little boy, seeking love and joy, just as all little boys seek and are equally entitled to find and have. And I wished for him, tears clouding my eyes, that when he encounters people, it is his eyes that they see, not the shell he is trapped in...

2. We are all the same (on the same note as #1, only from a grown up's perspective). We may be lawyers, business people, doctors, dancers or unemployment collectors. Educated, uneducated, classy or skanky - we all become equally helpless when our children's health is poor. We all love our kids more than anything else, and we'd all give everything we had to spare our children the suffering they're under going. We are all parents.

3. I have learned from my daughter about courage and strength. About happiness. And about true love.
Courage and strength - Undergoing poking, pricking, tubing, bleeding, probing and drugging, she has gone through all these things with so much patience, grace, strength and courage. Many a time, I have found myself cringing, crying, or feeling pain for things she had to undergo, when she did none of the above. It was almost as though it all just passed by her, not through her. It was almost as though she understood these things had to happen for her own good, and that was it. No self pity. Just take it all head on.
Happiness - It is sometimes the small things that matter. She could be poked a million times, but the sight of soap bubbles blown at her was all it took to get the biggest, most beautiful and radiant smile on her face. She could have a needle in her hand and be connected to wires, but that wasn't going to dampen the joy of going down a slide. I wish I remembered to appreciate things the way she does.
True love - I almost felt unworthy, when after every dreadful, tearful treatment she had to go through, all she needed was the comfort and safety of my arms to calm her down. Not candy, or a bottle, or anything else. The feeling of closeness to her favourite person was all it took. I hope to one day live up to, and maybe become, the person she sees when she looks at me.

5. Blessings - We all have problems. All of us. All sorts of different problems. There's an old Chinese saying, that if all the people of the world were to gather round and throw their problems in a pile, free to then pick from the pile whichever problem they like, they'd end up picking their own. My life is not simple. Not even a bit. However, seeing certain things in the hospital has totally gotten me thanking God for my problems. See, somehow, I think I can handle mine. No chance I'd be able to deal with some of the things I was faced with, and exposed to in this hospital.

6. Home - no matter how intense, insane, or stressful home may be, there really is no place like home. And my bed, which I so badly miss...

I truly feel blessed, having children. I feel I have so much to learn from them. I just hope, once this is all over and we're back to our regular crazy, insane routine, I will still be able to see things as clearly as I do on this long endless night in the hospital."

As adults, we tend to let the whirling, swirling, dust filled winds of life clog our eyes, senses, and outlooks. Yet, as children, the sight of bubbles or balloons, or the simple joy of sliding on a playground or finding a new friend of any kind could immediately erase the blinding dust storms of life. Maybe as adults, all we really need is a different kind of goggles.

Lessons to ponder.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Magical Dragonflies ...

This morning, while drinking coffee, I was greeted by a swarm of dragonflies. I can't think of anything more poetic. So many positive things have been happening in my life as of late, that it has caused me to second guess myself upon recent occasion. That bevy of dragonfly positivity brought me back to the realm of "I Can".

Dragonflies are born in water, then mature into air. They represent strength, perseverance, and metamorphosis. Things we all strive for in some form. We all want to be the best person we can become, we all want to morph into what is better than we began as, we all want to be stronger than the adversity that we encounter on a daily basis. It's intrinsically important to our psyche.

Lately, there have been a number of trying times that have caused me to forget that lesson. Today I remembered it. Funny how sometimes it only takes opening your eyes to see the beautiful moment that's in front of you to realize what you knew deep down inside all along.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Summer Day, Evening Breeze

I love sitting outdoors at night.  The crickets, the traffic in the distance, the sound of the breeze as it gently fondles the trees. Even when it's stifling hot every day (like currently), something about the evening is so incredibly soothing. As if the universe is saying, "yeah, I was a bit harsh today, but here's your reprieve for making it through." It soothes the soul.

Many people don't seem to see those bones the universe throws us. Those moments of cool breeze on a hot day, or bursts of sunshine on a stormy one. They feel the sweltering heat, or notice the rain and storm clouds, but when it momentarily passes, they're too focused on the previous to realize the present.

Each minute of every day has its positive and negative, its trials and accomplishments, its fantastic and its annoying. In my mind, it is much like remembering those who have passed, we're more likely to focus on the good times than the horrible ones. So it goes with the minutes of each day. If the moment is behind us, it's essentially dead and unchangeable, why reflect upon it as a bad one?

I'm going to sit on my patio, dog at my feet, and relax to the sound of the crickets singing in the slight breeze. Life is good if you simply choose to view it that way!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Waiting For Sunrise

"It's always darkest before the dawn."  I've always been drawn to that phrase. It gives me hope whenever things seem negative and hopeless in life. As if no matter how dark or depressing anything feels, the experience is there for the purpose of allowing me to appreciate the beauty of the more positive things that are sure to follow it. Sometimes, though, our periods of darkness in life can be so pitch black, and seem to last so long, that it becomes increasingly difficult to remember that a period of light is sure to follow.

Everyone deals with tough times differently. Some bury themselves in work or hobbies, some isolate themselves in misery to shut out the world, some become any and every crazy version of social simply to numb the pain, some even lash out at absolutely everything and everyone in a vain attempt to destroy the painful world they feel is surrounding them. The unfortunate fact is, no matter what anyone does, the only thing that will break through the darkness and alleviate the pain, is Time. It takes time for situations to run their course, time for darkness to fade into light, time for emotions to calm into peacefulness, time for storms to subside. The world doesn't stop revolving for anyone's heartache or hardships, but even that stark fact can bring hope, as it means that the sun will always rise again. All of it simply takes time, and no amount of seeking vengeance, or angry outbursts, or even burying one's head in the sand in an effort to ignore or hide, will make things right again any faster. Honestly, none of us feels like playing Pollyanna during difficult times in our lives, but are the repercussions of self-destruction, or the accidental collateral damages, worth the possible additional angst?

I honestly believe that we are all on this earth to learn positive lessons, and that each life is meant to learn specific ones. As humans, we, many times, only seem to pay attention and truly learn life's lessons when the universe unceremoniously smacks us down with them. Maybe that's why it's always darkest before dawn. To truly learn something new, and to appreciate it and the wonderful things that already surround us that we may not have noticed previously, we have to proceed blindly forward for a while. It doesn't mean that we don't fight to get through the tough times, the point, I suppose, is to make yourself keep moving forward.

I'll leave you with my favorite quote (from the immortal Dr Seuss) to mull over ... just in case you need to borrow it for a dark time in life.  "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat! I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Dichotomy of Angst

Worry, hardships, grief, stress in general ... it manifests different ways in different people.  Some become more nurturing and peacemaking, some get blinders-on focused and belligerent towards anyone or anything in their way, some become isolationary & introspective, some even do everything in their power to avoid dealing with the situation, whether it be through humor or avoidance or adopting self-destructive tactics. There is no one right way to deal with life's perilous situations, it's completely specific to the individual and their outlook. The commandment "Love thy neighbor as thyself," doesn't always work well if you tend to negatively react to situations, in part because self esteem is at a minimum.

Life throws us curve balls constantly. Whether it's to test us, or to empower us, I do not pretend to know.  One thing I do know is this, we are only as emotionally strong as we allow ourselves to be. We all need assistance and/or reassurance from others at times. We all need to be left alone to assess the situation in our own way at times. The constant, is how we actively choose to communicate those needs to others. Those who love us will understand and forgive our eccentricities, but we should also remember that the only reason that they do so is because of that love, which shouldn't be taken for granted even in the harshest of moments in our lives.

Love your neighbor as yourself. No matter how much or little we love ourselves, taking a second of thanks, or just verbalizing an awareness of someone's efforts, giving a hug, or extending a kind word, those moments go a long, long way in solidifying the love and assistance that we sometimes take for granted, especially during tough times.

Simply thoughts to ponder, and possibly remember, the next time a speed bump occurs in the road of life.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Of All The Relationships In The World ...

Relationship. The word elicits a slightly different emotion from everyone. Some people lean more towards the Hopeful spectrum, and some people lean more towards the Terrified spectrum. Some towards Excitement, some towards Fear, and some people fall into the Ambivalent sectors. If all of those spectrums of emotion, plus the infinite number of other emotional possibilities, were placed in a Venn diagram, it would probably look like a hot mess mosaic. Mainly, because we all have felt every one of these, and many other unnamed emotions, or a combination thereof, at some point in our lifetimes.

Relationships themselves come in a plethora of forms. Ones that every one of us experience in our daily lives. From the relationships with those that we adore as friends, to the relationships with those we don't trust but still tolerate, from business relationships, to personal relationships, to love relationships, to family relationships; the myriad is endless. Regardless of the type, all relationships have, in my humble opinion, a basic need for what I personally consider the Relationship Fab Five: respect, trust, forgiveness, communication, and joy. If none of these qualities are present, a person tends to fall squarely in the middle of everything negative that's in that aforementioned Venn diagram. If you consider it in terms of the intersecting circles, it's inevitable that we all move slowly through a variety of both the positive and negative intersections on a constant basis. Some periods of time are squarely within the positive sectors, while some periods of time pass through, or occasionally get stuck in, the negative ones. It truly is all fluid motion, thanks in part to basic human nature. That's where my theoretical "Fab Five" come into play. Holding steady in any negative sector pattern only causes stress, grief, and angst for those who are experiencing it, in addition to eventually causing the same for anyone who is around that person. Staying in that negative area too long results in forms of depression and paranoia in all of one's relationships, regardless of whether any of those particular relationships were initially involved with the negativity or not. Sometimes we can get so entrenched in the negative spectrum, that it becomes difficult to find a way out into any of the positive ones. What happens, though, when only one or two of those five attributes are missing?  What about three or four of them? Can the person experiencing this bring themselves out of it? Do that person's relationships stay intact regardless?

I know from personal experience that, for me, if communication is missing, the trust eventually goes down the drain. If the joy is missing, the communication ultimately dies off. If there's no trust, there's not much communication beyond the necessary superficial, which can lead to a lack of respect for both myself and others, which can make it difficult to forgive even the smallest faux pas, which causes the constantly growing perceived mountain of difficulties to eat away at my psyche, which definitely diminishes any joy and happiness. It becomes a horrible, vicious circle of upsetting occurrences both internally and externally. So how do we make it stop? How do we get our fluidity back so that we can move back into the positive sectors? Additionally, once we hit those lower than low places in our lives, we sometimes tend to become our own worst enemy. We lash out at those closest to us simply because they are the targets within the easiest reach. We isolate ourselves and end up berating ourselves internally, which creates a horrible vacuum of emptiness and negative feelings no matter how much effort anyone else in our lives makes to help us out of the abyss. Then what?

Honestly, upon much reflection, I believe the most important relationship we should actively attempt to keep the joy, communication, trust, and, most importantly, respect and forgiveness in, is the relationship with Ourselves. It is not easy. In fact, it is probably the most difficult of all relationships to maintain! In the end though, if we can pull it off, all the rest of our outside relationships will, most of the time, fall much more smoothly into place. I suppose the old adage is true ... "the best things in life don't come easy".

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Domino and Her Kittens .. Lessons Learned

Our kitten had kittens the other night.  I realize this sounds weird. I shall elaborate.

A little stray black kitten that "adopted" us back in early December, ended up pregnant, so we discovered 4 weeks ago. She was so tiny, it was hardly possible that she could be pregnant, but nature has a funny way of proving you wrong. Lo and behold, five tiny beings were added to our household 4 nights ago. We have now gone into the realm of "mommy knows best".

When Domino went into labor, she hopped onto our bed & trusted us throughout the experience. After she had rested a few hours with her newborn kittens, we moved her & her babies into another room, into the comfort of a blanket lined basket. Domino decided, much to the chagrin of my loving boyfriend, that she should move her babies under the bed. Initially we didn't realize it was her decision. As with all groups of small children, there is always the rouge wanderer, and as it was the kitten that had been attempting to go explore since birth, we thought that the kitten had wandered off under the bed. Nope! Domino felt safer with all her children hidden under that bed. I slid a blanket onto the floor under the bed yesterday & she happily moved them onto it. We baby-gated the doorway so our other animals can't get in the room, and now she comes and goes as she sees fit when her babies are sleeping. Earlier today I watched the kittens under the bed ... a small pile of little squirming beings that randomly threw tiny legs upward and mewed ... cutest, best entertainment ever!

Regardless of what we think is best for Domino's kittens, most of which stems from our narcissistic need to view and play with them, Domino knows what is best for her family. Mommies always do. We, the viewing public, may not agree with it because of our own thoughts and wants, but who are we to argue? Soon, very soon, the kittens will open their eyes, gain control of their limbs, and go off exploring throughout the house. Their mother's ideas of safety will no longer be part of the equation. Yet during the time of their tiny, blind-eyed childhood, her protection is the difference between their life and death .. so to speak.

Kittens and humans are definitely different in timelines and needs, but the basis is very similar. Children need their mommies & the love, support, & nourishment, in both philosophical and physical areas, that their mothers give them, until those same children are mature enough to leave the nest. Regardless of what anyone else thinks those kids should have or experience, their mother's love & protection is necessary for a child's success in life going forward. It may be considered far-reaching in some cases, but society should keep that fact in mind. Not everything is about what other people think should or should not be.

Thoughts for pondering.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress