The Cha-Cha Dance of American Democracy

July 4th is nationally recognized as a day to celebrate American independence from British rule. And while this is definitely a day to celebrate and be thankful, it is also an opportunity to take a step back and give our current situation serious thought.

The preamble of the Declaration of Independence states, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Inspiring words, written by many equally inspiring individuals. While the Declaration of Independence is not a legally binding document, it does state the premises that America was founded upon, and under current political conditions, it brings to mind the question of whether or not our current government is upholding those premises.

"All men are created equal." While technically at the time this was written, they didn't exactly mean every human being in the country - women were considered inferior and anyone of color was given the asinine designation of 3/5 of a person (which is stupid - how is that even evolutionarily possible?!) - thanks to the 13th and 14th Amendments that issue was legally rectified.

Unfortunately, hundreds of years later, we are still experiencing some of the same biased, unenlightened rhetoric that existed back then. If everyone is equal and entitled to the same rights and due process then why are people of color subjected to harsher judicial punishments, rampant profiling, and far higher instances of death during an arrest than their caucasian counterparts?

One of the current arguments at hand is the existence of the American police force. Many groups are claiming that the origins of the police as we know it in the U.S. are slave patrols. The reality is, that fact is only true in the south or what would have been the confederacy during the American Civil War.

The earliest examples of policing were night watchmen in the 1600s created to protect colonial shipping interests (what would now be considered corporate interests). Many of the colonial night watchmen were actually criminals given the duty as a punishment - which speaks even more broadly to corruption in the police force that dates back to its origins - but the point I'm making here is that not all police forces in America date back to slave patrols. However, since according to the preamble "when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security" changes MUST be made to our country's current outdated policing, judicial, and legal system tactics. If everyone is now truly equal under Constitutional protections, then policing efforts should reflect that fact and not randomly backslide into colonial-era mentality.

In a truly interesting article entitled "The Stylistic Artistry of the Declaration" written by Stephen E. Lucas, it is noted that the Declaration of Independence actually contains a series of five propositions each building upon the other. First, "all men are created equal," which leads to "they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights," which then leads to "among these (rights) are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." 

Those first three propositions lend themselves directly to the final two "to secure these rights governments are instituted among men" and the final and what I think is the most important "whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends (meaning the aforementioned rights of everyone) it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it."

Now obviously the American forefathers were referring to unreasonable royal rule by King George from an ocean away, but our current political situation isn't honestly that much different. America has a presidency and federal government that may technically be considered 'elected', but between the electoral college that seems to override the popular vote (which should be considered the true "will of the people") and proven foreign government interference in the electoral process, our country is largely being governed by a group of narcissistic, money-grubbing nihilists that are far more concerned with personal lobbyist payouts than the needs of the populations whom they're supposed to represent. 

This fact is especially true at the leadership level - the presidency in particular. When Donald J. Trump originally took office, there were many that labored under the delusion that putting in place someone to run the country with the strategy of a corporate business would alleviate many of the perceived economic issues. In theory, that may have sounded like a good idea, but in reality, when you put a corrupt corporate leader who bankrupts his own companies, prefers to shoot first and ask questions later when it comes to policy dealings, finds the company of totalitarians and dictators preferable to that of reasonable democratic leaders, and seems to think that all White House staff and advisors should be treated like contestants in his former reality show (complete with weekly firings and social media bashings), you've literally created a situation that sends America straight down the road of tyranny that our forefathers fought so hard to eradicate.

So what can we do? First and foremost, Speak Up. No matter whether it's phone calls and letters, opinion editorials, news interviews, taking part in peaceful protests, testifying at your local and state hearings, or (especially!) the simple act of voting - the only way we are going to turn this governmental travesty around is by making the people's voices heard. 

That last point, VOTING, is incredibly important. 

Vote to end the electoral college (which was created in the late 1700s when this country was widespread and vastly undeveloped to ensure that those who did not have access to information about the presidential candidates were properly represented in the voting process - which is obviously now a moot point and has been for a long time). 

Vote to ensure term limits. It's far more likely that someone who only is allowed to hold an office for a few terms will put forth and enact legislation in the best interests of the people that they represent instead of the interests of the highest paying lobbyist that approaches them.

Vote to remove blatant corruption from elected office. The cast of players that currently hold power looks a lot like a Shakespearean tragedy. Thieves (example: Richard Burr - NC), villains (example: Mitch McConnell - KY), and groups of despots (prime example: Donald Trump, et al) abound.

Change happens one small step at a time, and even though sometimes it feels like for every step forward there are two steps back, it's all worth the effort when that perceived cha-cha of effort ultimately gets us where we need to be. 

So on this national day of thankfulness and remembrance let's be thankful for the sacrifices of those long before us that gave their lives to ensure our freedom - and let's also think and move forward to make sure their sacrifices did not go to waste!


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Primary School Lessons from the Cohen Hearings

After watching the first part of the Cohen hearing today, I felt the need to turn it off and do a negativity cleanse throughout my house. Seriously. It wasn't Cohen's testimony that caused me to react that way, although his testimony did cause me to have quite a few moments of thinking "oh holy crap!" It was the methods of posturing questioning by the House Representatives that really made it sickening. They, for the most part, conducted themselves like overly verbose primary school bullies desperately intent on taking a classmate's lunch money. The entire spectacle brought to mind the book "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten", mainly because I felt like everyone involved could benefit from reading it! On second thought, that book and a refresher course in basic manners!

If You Don't Listen You Won't Learn.

The constant interrupting and lack of ability to allow Cohen to answer any question that had just been asked was a tactic utilized by the majority of the representatives that was annoying, disheartening, and frankly, just rude. Why bother asking a question if you don't intend to listen to the answer? Furthermore, if anyone plans to get to the bottom of this quagmire, the ability to listen to the answers given to those questions is absolutely necessary. Cohen may have a questionably horrible reputation when it comes to being trustworthy in testimony, but he has more long term inside information on the situation than every other person in that room. Everyone might just learn something helpful if they all simply shut up and listened.

Don't Take Things That Aren't Yours. / Keep Your Hands to Yourself

This goes for Congress, Michael Cohen, the President's son, and most importantly, President Trump himself. No matter whether it's money, pictures, or documents, turns, words, ideas, or actions. If it isn't yours, do not touch it. Not only don't touch it, don't gossip about it, don't pretend untruthful involvement with it; just leave whatever it is that is not yours completely alone and quietly move away from it. Period. Most of the problems that brought about this hearing, in addition to the ones that occurred during the debacle of the hearing itself, could have been avoided if those simple rules had been adhered to in the first place.

Don't Be a Bully

Really don't know how much I need to elaborate here as politics seems to be the biggest bullying ring of all, especially since the supreme leader of bullying, Donald Trump, is currently the ultimate bully king! It's the worst version of trickle down effect ever known. Do these people go home and instruct their children on how to behave respectfully? If so, the hypocrisy is unequivocal. A little kindness and respect towards others goes a long way towards achieving any goal. Every person involved in this hearing in any way should try it sometime.

These are basic lessons that we attempt to instill in our children, yet put adults in a televised hearing circumstance and those same lessons seem to fly out the window. It's unfortunate, disheartening, and quite honestly, pathetic. The truth will never come out if posturing for the cameras is more important than actually discovering the truth. If a mulligan was ever needed, this is it.  One thing is for certain, if the lack of respect towards procedure and each other is any indication of how these people are attempting to represent the citizens of the country, our future is anything but secure.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Wall

Once upon a time there was a wall. It divided the areas of East Berlin from West Berlin in an effort to stem the population of communist East Germany from migrating to the democratic capitalist side of West Germany. When it was erected it divided not only political sides, but also friends, families, and world attitudes. It was the ultimate barrier to the overall peace and unity of a single country .. until it was torn down. That wall itself was the epitome of a symbol of the Cold War. The act of tearing it down was one of the most shining moments of world peace and solidarity that any nation has ever accomplished. Are we doomed to repeat history?

Donald Trump has taken the U.S. Presidency to a new level of demented millennialism. The first president to have zero political background, the first president to consistently tweet his personal Twitter account without thought for repercussions or his administration. In some ways it could be viewed as awkwardly admirable. This man took office with a mindset to treat the country like a corporation and right the U.S. economy as such. His tactics, however, are some of the most abysmal the world has seen since Hitler promised Germany jobs and economic fixes after the Great Depression.

Hitler blamed economic downfall and socioeconomic issues on the Jewish population. At that time in history, the world had just come out of the hell of WWI, and was on the tail end of a worldwide economic depression. It wasn't difficult for someone with a semblance of oratory skill to convince a terrified country's population that there were a specific group of people that were to blame for their financial woes, no matter how misguided the accusations. The terrified, the scared, the misguided; those were the people who voted Hitler into office and blindly followed his directives which ultimately resulted in the most horrific wartime atrocities the world has ever seen.

Fast forward to the internet age. What do you get when you place a silver spoon kid turned real estate mogul and egotistical narcissist into the White House? You get a similar result. A population on the tail end of recession desperate for relief, despite the efforts of previous administrations. A glimmer of light opening for a wide variety of right wing fringe sects to actively espouse their beliefs; their flames fanned by the incinerating rhetoric of a man who has never known a day of hunger or basic need in his entire life.

The wall that Trump wants to build, that he is essentially holding the U.S. hostage to build, is the same type of symptomatic governmental narcissism as the wall the post WWII Germany built. Not only are his tactics holding the U.S. hostage in the realm of government, but they're putting the entire world at risk in multiple areas like aviation safety, agriculture, military assistance, and even the borders that he claims to hold so dear. Those who count on government assistance or government based jobs to feed their families can kiss that goodbye.  Apparently this wall, that makes the United States appear more like a scene from "A Handmaiden's Tale," is far more important than the needs of anything else in the nation.

It is incredibly unfortunate when world leaders take their own personal egos and views, and make them more important on the political and humanitarian front than the needs of the population. It's even more unfortunate when those same leaders actively espouse rhetoric that inflames views and actions of bias, bullying, and racism.

So where to go from here? In a utopian universe, the aberrant leader is ousted by a shining knight on a white horse and the kingdom becomes whole and peaceful. However, just because I started this blog in fairytale form does not mean that the shining knight theory is one that is applicable, or will actually happen. Here's where I get to say what I actually think (it's a blog, so I get to do so).

What this country needs is people working and taking care of their families. This country needs common courtesy, empathetic citizens, and common sense. It does not need egotistical leaders, hateful rhetoric, and unintelligent accusations from those in positions of power that are supposed to be working for the greater good of its population.

I hate to use a movie line here here, but there's a line from "The American President" that this situation that keeps bringing to mind. "America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've gotta want it bad, cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say 'You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, and who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours."  America is a nation of free speech, of tolerance, of open-mindedness, and of the dream that if you work hard enough it will happen. It is not a nation of close-minded idiots, closed borders, biased rhetoric, and bullying of its citizens. Not saying that the onset of Nazi Germany is akin to Donald Trump's America, but .......... #justsaying!!

Let's finish the fairy tale, since we began it that way .... and the knights on their speckled horses shattered the wall with their mighty swords, then rode off into the sunset with their multi-nationality brides .. all of whom had jobs that were highly paid, well fed children, and a nation that they believed in!


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Awe of Glittering Snow

It snowed all over North Carolina in December this year. Not just flurries and a bit of sugar dusting on the grassy areas, but real, actual snow accumulation. Not the norm in this area of the U.S. This impromptu storm (named Diego ... when did snowstorms start getting names?!) brought about government and school closings, treacherous roadways, and power outages. It also brought about community bonding, random assistance from neighbors and strangers, and the pure joyfulness of children's laughter ringing through the air as they took part in winter activities that normally never have a chance of occurring in the south. Positive light born from what could be viewed as catastrophe.

No matter where you live, there is something completely magical about watching snow fall. Its incredible asymmetry is breathtaking. There's a majestic quiet that's completely inspiring as millions of snowflakes drift to the ground and cover every inch in a chilly, sparkling white cloud. What before was browns and greens, with areas of dirt or litter, instantly becomes a purified vision of beauty. Eventually though, temperatures rise and the glittering snow begins to melt away. Slowly the blades of grass and areas of dirt and concrete begin to show through the purification of white. Eventually, no trace of the pristine gorgeousness remains, save our photos and memories.

Politics and humanity are similar in this phenomenon. A crisis, a catastrophe, a hardcore event occurs and the positive side of humanity is brought out. Communities worldwide bond, strangers assist those in need, and even children rejoice and take part in the positive that is born from the negative. Eventually though, recognition of the issue dies down, neighbors and strangers go back to their own sequestered lives and again turn a blind eye to injustices that occur daily, and the sense of hope and humanity that thrived during the the crisis begins to subside. But does it have to?

Just like those last sugar dustings of snow that refuse to melt away, so should our hopes, senses of empathy, and gifts of giving wholeheartedly to those who need our help. Just because the blinding, adrenaline-laced sparkle of catastrophic need eventually melts away doesn't mean that the requirement is not still there. That litter on the ground, like the needs of humanity, that was hidden by the previous glittering blanket of snow still needs to be cleaned up, to be assisted in becoming the epitome of quiet beauty and peace that only previously existed under a glittering blanket of snowflakes.

Maybe we could all strive to hang on to those charitable, giving ideals year-round. Not just during this, the season of giving, but throughout every season. Just like those final little patches of snow that refuse to melt, we too have the ability to create a glittering world of quiet beauty in someone else's life, if only we make sure those magic qualities of empathy and giving stay alive all year long.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

"Wrinkles" In Politics and Humanity

Recently, I finally got the chance to watch A Wrinkle In Time.  Don't judge.  It was one of my favorite books when I was a pre-teen.  I remember sitting in the school library, immersed in that book, thinking to myself, 'if Meg can do it, so can I!'  That book gave me confidence, courage, and hope during an extremely difficult time in my childhood.  Watching that movie brought back memories .. not all of them wonderful.  However, it also brought to light parts of the story that I had forgotten, or maybe just not understood due to my youth. Parts of the story that, I feel, are truly relevant to life and the current political climate.

For those of you unfamiliar with the basis of the story, Meg is the preteen, self-doubting heroine that travels through space and time with her genius preschool brother, and their neighborhood friend, to save their scientist father who has been missing for many years.  The pretense is that travel between far areas of the universe is, in fact, able to be done by tesseract (which is a sort of bending of time by specific vibration).  Meg's father had discovered this and accidentally gotten trapped on a dark planet, created by an evil force called 'The IT', from whence there was no seemable escape ... until his children come to save him.  Obviously, there are many more intricacies that are too numerous to go into in this blog .. (go watch the movie!) .. however, the manner in which the screenplay depicted the three muses, and their assistance tactics within the children's quest was wonderfully hopeful and enlightening for our current world.

I find it intrinsically fascinating that the name of the 'planet' created by 'The IT', is 'Camazotz'.  The planet Camazotz initially appears in the movie with a menacing growl and the far off appearance of a cancerous tumor spreading its tentacles. Interestingly enough, the name 'Camazotz' is the name of the Mayan bat god associated with darkness, death, and sacrifice.  How apropos that the core of the evil force in this tale should be named after that. 
One of the muses in A Wrinkle In Time, Mrs. Which, counsels Meg that "The only thing in the universe that travels faster than light is darkness.  It invades the place inside of us where hope and joy lives and replaces it with jealousy, judgement, pain and despair."  Additionally, she notes that, "The IT does this one person at a time .. fear takes over, fear leads to rage, then rage leads to violence."  So jealousy, judgement, pain, and despair lead to fear, which then lead to rage, which then lead to violence.  Somehow I can only think of the current political climate.  A state where currently, we have a U.S. President that espouses fear and hatred far more than empathy and understanding.  As one BBC article recently put it "Donald Trump does politics with one crucial psychological insight. Rage is an emotion that sticks around a lot longer than hope." (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46099744)  How is this a positive thing for the U.S. or the world in general?  Day after day, we fight against the rage and hatred of religious sects and fringe groups that espouse nothing but bigoted disgust and disdain for those different from them. We fight them in the hope that the positive, shining light of democracy will win out. Yet the U.S. President takes joy in rallying the evil troops?

The henchman for 'The IT' in A Wrinkle In Time, is ultimately shown to be a marionette of the entity.  Prior to revealing this, he tells the children "Everything is taken care of in total without options or alternatives."  What a chilling statement.  Almost as chilling as the scene where all the houses on the cul-de-sac are exactly the same, with a single child in each driveway bouncing a ball in absolute unison.  It's a visual statement that leans towards the mindless flock of sheep mentality, which currently seems to be permeating the nation.  However, there are rays of hope.  Not everyone views the world through the same hue of glasses.  Once Meg puts on the prism glasses given to her by the muses when they leave the children on Camazotz, she is able to see that things are not as they seem.  The area is not enclosed, her father is actually held captive there, and she can, in fact, reach him.  I suppose our world is a lot like that.  Sometimes you just need to look through a different set of glasses to find the real answers.

I think that the most poignant moment for me in this movie, stems from another quote from Mrs. Which, "Do you realize how many events and choices had to occur, since the birth of the universe, to lead to the making of you, just exactly as you are?"  

There are times in life when we all feel down, feel depressed, doubt our choices, even doubt ourselves and question our own self-worth.  It happens to everyone.  It's human nature.  It's also a natural part of growing up.  Having those feelings and thoughts, however, does not make them a true reflection of who we are.  Our lives are essentially mirrors.  Mirrors of our thoughts, mirrors of our actions, and most importantly, mirrors of those surrounding us.  Whom we choose to closely surround ourselves with has the ability to, many times, show us the clearest reflection of ourselves, but only if we are willing to look. 

It is easy to get bogged down in the minutiae of societal expectations, political rhetoric, and judgement, but, if we allow ourselves to truly see what those closest to us see in our hearts and minds, we can then begin to embrace and live up to the amazing people we actually have the potential to be, regardless of society's chain gang mentality.  As we learned in Wrinkle, love is the only force that can destroy the darkness of 'The IT'.  Love ultimately destroys jealousy, love destroys judgement, love destroys pain and despair.  How we treat others, how we speak to others, how we respect those who think differently than us, is the truest measure of humanity. That's definitely something that the President, and all of those running for office, should remember every time they open their mouths.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Survivor's Take on Marsy's Law

Politics are a messy business.  This country was founded on the rights of all citizens to be heard, and to be considered equal.  It was also founded on the premise that anyone accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty.  That's easier said than done.  There is always doubt.  There are always multiple sides to every story, and in that same vein, each side honestly believes that they are correct in their recollection of the incident.  But what about when there is undeniable proof of a crime?  What happens when the accusations are over, and the hearings, or the trial, are over?  What happens when the restraining orders expire and there are no longer legalities rolling through their governmental red tape processes?  Are the victims of said crime magically healed?  Is the accused suddenly reformed?  Do the rights of one side take precedence over the other?

A few years ago, I unwillingly became a survivor of domestic violence. This is not something that I have shared previously with all of you.  Partially because I am not a person to air personal issues publicly, partially because I was scared of him and did not want the backlash, and partially because no one wants to admit that some proverbial ogre got the better of them.  No. More.  I did not get insanely beaten up, but I was threatened, badgered, verbally battered, bruised, and verbally abused.  My home was trashed and physically shattered, my children and pets were endangered, and I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from the ordeal.  I lost my confidence, my courage, and my trust in humanity.  Throughout the initial court process a group called Safe Alliance was my lifeline.  They walked me through every point of the process, got me a qualified lawyer to represent and fight for me when I could not, and gave me hugs when I was too terrified of the world to walk out into it.  But they could only go so far.  When my abuser was released from psychiatric commitment, I was not notified by the hospital nor the authorities, I was told by a close friend of his that was concerned for my safety.  After my abuser continually violated the restraining orders I had against him, and months later was jailed for similar crimes against others, I was not notified of his release, nor of the fact that he had reentered the area.  I was notified that he was working in an area nearby by another concerned friend of his, never by law enforcement or the district attorney, as the current law states should occur.  This man ultimately put my children at risk with his violent behavior and threats, and created a hell on earth life for me where I was so terrified of him that I blamed myself for the violence, cowered in fear in my own home, and felt it necessary to push large furniture against the doors nightly for months, until I moved residences without a forwarding address.  Even though there are still, to this day, warrants out for his arrest because of his multiple restraining order violations, the restraining order extension has expired. I worry every time I walk outside and am in constant stress about my children being away from home.  It's no way to live, truly actually Live life.

Marsy's Law is a constitutional amendment on the ballot this election.  Essentially it strengthens protection for victims of crime.  From requiring notification of hearings, escape, parole, and release, to allowing victims to appear at hearings and speak at such, it's a step in the right direction for victims' rights ... IF it's enforced.  Currently, the law in North Carolina states that notification is required "as soon as is practicable, but within 72 hours after identifying a victim covered by this Article, with ...".  It goes on to list available medical services, crime victims' compensation, address and phone number of the district attorney, and access to applicable law enforcement that should be given to the victim involved.  Seeing as my abuser managed to begin violating the initial emergency restraining order within 24 to 36 hours, and even though I called 911 and had all my paperwork, he ran away before they could arrest him, and the police didn't feel it was worth the effort to chase him down, the 72 hour thing appears to be a useless venture.  Furthermore, while the domestic violence team of my local law enforcement agency did do a great job of contacting me on a weekly basis for the first 6 to 8 months after the hearing, no one ever alerted me to his movements or release from any psychiatric or correctional facility.  In dealing with the healing process involved for not just myself, but also my family, those "heads up" moments would have been extraordinarily helpful.  Instead we, as a family, suffered emotional setbacks and continued worry and constant fear due in part to a lack of communication by the authorities and judicial system.  I would hope that my experience would not be the case for victims of felonious violent crime, as domestic violence is only considered a 'misdemeanor',  But, isn't any violent crime against another human being worth preventing and protecting, regardless of what 'label' the law puts upon it?

I know that there are those out there that will argue that once people serve their time, they should not have to endure a life sentence of judicial recrimination.  The ACLU is actually one of the groups lobbying against this Amendment. While I agree with many tenants of what the ACLU stands for, as a survivor of domestic violence who felt failed by the supposed protections of the law during my ordeal, I have a real problem with how our current laws actually follow through on violent crime cases.  I made the mistake of trusting my attacker for years before he brutally betrayed that trust, and still have trouble not startling when I hear noises while walking, or instinctively flinching when I'm not expecting the passing touch of someone nearby.  I cannot imagine what those who endure random violent crime experiences must be facing on a societal trust basis daily!  This Amendment can do wonderful things for those of us that have triumphed over the violent behavior of others, but Only if it is Actually and Consistently Enforced.

I implore law enforcement to take victims' rights seriously, and to actively attempt to enforce what the law already says.  In the hope that Marsy's Law is passed, I beg both law enforcement and the district attorney's offices to adhere to All Notification Stipulations Without Fail.  I know what acquiring post traumatic stress disorder in, what should be the safety of, your own home is like ... I can't imagine the hell that survivors of violent crime in random situations go through daily.

If nothing else spurs you on, then allow this blog to do so.  Get Out There And Vote.  Make your voice heard, and, vote your conscience for this Amendment.  Allow your voice to do for others what violent offenders strip their ability to do for themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

For more information on Marsy's Law:
https://marsyslaw.us

For more information on Safe Alliance:
https://safealliance.org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org

Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Attitude and Options

The life of a pet. Have you ever considered it? No matter what breed of animal they are, we love them like family and tend to discipline them in that same manner. They, of course, respond in kind. A home front chain of command of sorts. The underlings learn to act and respond in the manner in which they are treated. As I watch our dog play with our kitten, greet us excitedly when we arrive home, and hide under the bed when scolded, it occurs to me that humanity isn't that much different.

Whether we want to believe it or not, we are all slaves to our loved ones, our livelihoods, and the society that surrounds us. We strive for approval, love, and positive reinforcement from the people and things that are important to us, and our learned actions (or reactions) tend to mirror that which is done to us on a regular basis. The scriptures that tell us to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," are dead on target when it comes to reciprocating behavior, no matter what species or situation we're dealing with. Why then, do we allow ourselves to live in, to stay a slave to, that which causes us stress, grief, or angst at every turn?

All species have the capacity to love and hate, to act with caring or disdain, to help or to hurt. As humans, we have the additional capacity to actively choose which of those options we wish to utilize in any situation, and, if necessary, we can choose to to walk away from any situation that doesn't meet our needs if we cannot change it to do so. Unlike our pets who may bare their teeth and growl, or run and hide under the furniture in response to negativity, we have the capability to leave and start over. To find a new attitude, a new livelihood, a new living space, a new love of life. While there are constants that will follow us, the ultimate result of how we live is up to us individually. To say that any situation requires us to stay put in misery is unrealistic. Even our pets know when to cut and run. So how do we apply that thought process of finding happiness in our lives?

You may have heard the phrase "It's all about attitude." It truly is. Our attitude towards others, whether they be in positions of power, or those that we have some form of power over as parents, teachers, bosses, or the like ... If we show understanding, caring, and acceptance, it's likely the same will be shown toward us in return. Our attitudes toward ourselves. If we embrace instead of damn ourselves for that which makes us unique and different, and find ways to incorporate those attributes into our lives and livelihoods, we have the fantastic opportunity to live in a way that we can be the most happy and have the fewest regrets. Blaming the actions of others for occurrences in our own lives does no one any good. Ultimately, all of life's scenarios are born of our own choices.

As I write this, our dog is now alternately running around the yard with our neighbor's puppy, and attempting to jump in my lap for a scratch behind the ears. Soon, she'll trot indoors to touch noses with our kitten, then engage in a game of chase that will drive me batty. She is exactly who she is, loud, loyal, loving, playful, energetic, protective, and a bit impish ... no excuses, no regrets. While she tries to listen, learn, and make us happy, she is who she is and would be exactly that regardless of where she was or whom she was with.
A lesson for humanity.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life Learned From Art

Show closings are always bittersweet.  The show that I've been performing in closed last night. It has been an absolutely fantastic run. Great, productive rehearsals with just enough goofing off and laughing at each other, sold out shows, constant adrenaline highs from enthusiastic audiences, stellar reviews, laughter & inside jokes backstage with the cast, and the thrill of being cast with and getting to perform as a couple with my "significant other" .... after the final curtain closes and the final bows are taken it's both disconcerting & somehow a bit sad.

No more show calls, no more rehearsals, no more adjusting schedules to make sure one is where one needs to be with time to get into character, and, if it's a show night, transform yourself physically into whatever character you're portraying. Initially, it feels confusing & weird.  Like, what do people do when they have free time??

Every show I perform in, I somehow seem to learn a lesson or two of some sort. It may be because of the direction, or the interaction with the cast, or the character I'm portraying herself, but there always seems to be at least one life lesson there.

This show in particular, I played a narcissistic, sexually independent woman who happens to be having a "fling" with a mafia hitman .... who just happens to be her therapist's brother. Needless to say, that is not where my lessons occurred ... other than possibly learning my character's ability to completely let go and be exactly who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks .. which is not necessarily a bad lesson for my life!

This show, however, taught me Perseverance. No matter what else is happening in your life or how stressful it may be, persevere to be prepared, know your lines, understand your character, interact with and actively listen to what's going on around you, and above all, leave your personal issues outside the stage door. Step away from the malarkey of daily life and honestly become a completely different person (in the eyes of the audience) for a few hours a night. That truly is one of the beauties (and benefits!) of acting. The ability to step out of your own life for a few hours a day. It is a lesson, however, that can be applied under normal circumstances.

There will always be things both small and large in our lives that will cause stress, cause pain, cause anguish, or simply create complete befuddlement of our brains. The ability to step away, let go, and focus on what's directly in front of you that needs your attention at the time, to persevere no matter what else is happening around you is an attribute that we all should strive for. Without it, we allow the negative and mundane to take over our lives, and we risk missing out on the fabulous moments that we could achieve if only we continued to focus & persevere.

Life is a marathon. Don't give up just before the final mile is finished. There just might be something fantastic around that final corner.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Family ... In Every Form

Family. Amost everyone has one in some form. Be it by blood, or by marriage, or by choice, they exist in all of our lives. They're wonderful yet irking, supportive yet judging, have the ability to induce happiness yet can be completely maddening, all at the same time. It's quite the dichotomy.

I'm fortunate. I have a "blood family" that may drive me crazy upon occasion, but is ultimately truly wonderful, loving, and caring. Who may not always understand or agree, but does in fact accept me for the awkward enigma that I am. I also am lucky enough to to have a "chosen family" of friends so close that they can actually read my facial expressions and know me well enough to sense when I'm attempting to fake off negative emotions or reactions to life events.

Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. I have friends and acquaintances whose "blood family" is so different minded from them that an impass has been reached & they no longer speak or acknowledge each other. There are others whose families do not respect their family members' life choices to the point that they refuse to interact with them, unless those they disagree with develop the same mindset as those people precipitating the judging. There are some people out there with no family to speak of, that isolate themselves and attempt to navigate life on their own without physical or emotional support. Those are sad, unfortunate circumstances.

Which brings me to my point .... if we don't support those we're supposed to love or are destined to care for, how can we lead happy lives? Why is it so necessary that everyone live their life & think exactly alike? If Einstein or Monet or Edison or Gandhi had succumbed to the pressure of what everyone else thought, would the world be a better place today? Or would we stilll be living in medieval style times where the earth was considered flat and our planet was the center of the universe? Is it so farfetched to think or hope & expect that keeping an open mind, an open heart, and allowing others to be exactly who they are is a bad thing? Wasn't it one of the few major non secular, prophetic entities, who happens to be recognized by almost every major religion on this planet, that said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,"?

Family. Whether you believe in evolution or religious beginnings or a combination of the two, we are All ultimately Family. Accept. Respect. Honor. Love. Tolerate. Appreciate. You just might look back and regret it if you don't.  Just my two cents.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Love, Empathy, and Clouds

What do you do when someone you love is going through a horribly difficult time that stresses out every ounce of their being? It's actually a pretty difficult question. Being there for them ... being truly present & listening is always an option, but sometimes talking it out only makes things worse for the one that's hurting. Hugs are always good ... the kind that are warm, & caring, & completely enveloping, but once the hug is released, the pain is still there. Gifts are only a temporary smile, and activities designed to redirect their mind only work while the activity is occurring ... then their mind reverts again. It truly is a dilemma.

How do you help someone you deeply care for feel more positive when they can't find positive on their own?

I know, from personal experience, that being in the depths of despair is impossible to climb out of other than momentarily. There's no amount of frivolity, or laughter, or hugs, or sunshine that can keep the annoying little dark thunder cloud from following you about. Those things may disperse it for a short while, but ultimately it storms back up again, directly overhead. The good fortune of others, while you desperately want to feel happiness for them, only reiterates the horrid thoughts about yourself in your own mind. I think that it's actually what the British mean by the term "sticky wicket"!

I have also learned that the only way to truly bring yourself out of a horrible, ultimate funk, is to actively do something about it. I tend to paint and mosaic, as it helps me feel that I'm purposefully creating positive change out of that which was bland & negative before. Everyone is different, so each individual has to find their own niche of creating positive in their surroundings. Burying one's head may quell the pain temporarily, but actively Allowing yourself to create it out, cry it out, exercise it out, work it out, Get It Out is the only way to truly dissipate that dark cloud. Those around you who love & care can & will assist & support, but the only person with the power to make the dark cloud truly leave is the person to whom that cloud belongs.

I suppose that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how deeply you care, or how strongly you support them, the choice is ultimately theirs. You can point out the sunshine that lies beyond the clouds in every way possible, but it's up to them to push through the storm to the happiness beyond the clouds in the end.

I shall now end with a favorite Dr. Seuss quote that I hope inspires: "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind, some come from ahead, some come from behind, but I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see, Now My Troubles Are Going To Have Troubles With Me!"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Unexpected of Life

One of my closest friends got married this past weekend.  It was a gorgeous, amazing, perfect, beautiful wedding.  The songs during the ceremony all had meaning to the two of them and their lives together thus far, the people they care about the most were there, both family and friends, the bride was breathtaking and the groom was dashing debonair .... as maid of honor I had the unique pleasure of being an integral part of the planning and festivities, and for that I am oh so incredibly thankful.  I love it when two people who are simply SUPPOSED to be together, are exactly that ... together.  It reminds me that some things in life actually do make sense.

Now, in the aftermath of getting back to real, regular life .... no emergency texts from the bride to be with pleas for assistance, no planning to be done, no huge shindig with its music and frivolity to look forward .... how does one find that innate ability to keep going with an upbeat attitude and positive outlook even though there's a bit of nostalgia for the loss of something so grand upcoming?  I'm willing to bet that this happens to everyone reading this.  Be it after a holiday, or a major event, the days following are a bit of a trudging through period attempting to lock into that next great thing upcoming.  It's not always easy, but it always happens.

What if every single day of life could be the next great thing to look forward to?  What if, despite the job stresses, and family stresses, and life stress in general that can't be controlled, what if every single day has something phenomenal in it that you simply have to keep your eyes open for so you don't miss it?  It could be as simple as a warm sunny spring day, or the sight of an unexpected beautiful flower, or a thank you hug from someone you made smile, or an extra 10 to 15 minutes you unexpectedly get to do whatever your heart desires with no regard for anyone else, or a fun note from a friend ..... there are so many positive things out there that can make each day a wonderful experience if only we actively choose to watch for them and appreciate them no matter how small.  Things that we can look forward to.  Every single day.  Even if we don't know what they are until they arrive.  Life's little gifts ..... look around today and take notice.  I bet you'll find something unexpected but wonderful if you try!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Intentions vs. Actions ... The Chicken or The Egg?

Intentions versus actions.  Both can be misconstrued or completely appreciated.  Both can be understood or misunderstood.  Both can be positive or negative.  Both have the power to lift others up into a happier place, or to bring others down into the depths of despair.  Is one more important than the other?

Our intentions tend to drive our actions.  What happens when the intentions don't match the actions in the eyes of others?  Does that mean that our intentions were impure?  The intention to create a surprise for someone we love that will make them happy after a tough day, but the action brings up unknown, unhappy memories from their past that only makes things worse ... the intention to help a friend, but the action causes unintentional grief ... the intention to guide a child in a positive direction, but the action causes them confusion and hurt in the aftermath.  What about the other side?  When someone intends to be hurtful or crass or just plain mean, but the actions only cause laughter and ego-bruising for the person intending to be hurtful ... what happens to intention versus action then?

It's almost a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" question.  The old adage is "actions speak louder than words", but what happens when the actions create an unintended result in either direction?  Should we place more importance on the intention with which the action was undertaken, or the resulting action regardless of the intention?  My personal opinion is that communication to understand the origin of the action is crucial.  It's understandable to feel hurt by an action, but that hurt can be assuaged, or at the least, lessened, by realizing and understanding the intention.  No one is perfect, so what seems to be a plausible action or reaction to one person, might seem unrealistic or inappropriate to another.  All relationships, from co-workers to friends to significant others to life partners, benefit from attempting to understand the intention behind another's actions.  Taking that minute or two to hear someone out instead of jumping to a possibly incorrect conclusion is a key component in any relationship.  I truly believe that.  We may not always understand each other immediately, but our relationships can ultimately stand the test of time with just a little open-mindedness and curiosity of understanding.

I suppose my point is that the intention can definitely be more important than the action taken.  If the intention was pure and positive, then to me, any unintentional, negative results from the actions are ultimately completely forgivable.  If the intentions were mean and horrid, then any unintentional positive results from the actions are ultimately a happy surprise.  Intentions versus Actions ... I don't know if one is truly more powerful than the other, but I'd rather focus on the intent.  To me, it seems an infinitely more important, more telling focus.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Output of Fire

Fire is one of the most therapeutic, fantastic, inspiring elements on the planet (to me).  It provides warmth, light, positiveness, and burns away that which we choose to no longer hold onto.  How awesome is that?!

We sat out by our fire-pit for a couple hours tonight ... so relaxing and lovely.  There is truly something about sitting beside a live fire (not the "fake" gas enabled ones) that simply calms one's senses,  The warmth, the solidness of the logs, the disintegration of anything you happen to throw into it, the beauty of the flames and the glowing embers.  It is truly an organic beauty of an experience.

In work, in school, in family dynamics, in life, are we not similar to the embers and the flames?  There are many moments that any of us is "smoldering" ... figuring things out but not yet ready to let loose.  Then there's the "glowing". So many people "glow" in society but may not realize that they are "warming" those around them.  How unfortunate that they don't realize their worth with regards to everyone they encounter.

The loveliness of the fire and the logs, the dancing flames randomly working themselves through the barriers that might otherwise keep them from the air, which makes those flames further reaching.  How many of us are filled with "fire" to accomplish something, be it a task or job or goal, but in order to achieve that which we desire we must randomly work our way through multiple barriers?  I know it happens to me.  I also know that those dancing, frolicking, colorful flames are similar to the alternative arenas in which I tend to look for "the way through" .... is that true for anyone else?  Is how we look to find a way through situations that may challenge us or stress us indicative of our own colorful personalities?

What about the smoke that rises like ghosts out of what is being disintegrated from something like a fire-pit? What if we took the potential energy of the embers and combined it with the expending energy of the smoke ghosts?  Would it create something unworldly in our minds or imaginations?  Would any of us have the courage to act upon it?

As far as I can see, it's all subjective. Everything in this world is how one actively chooses to view things.  A rainy day can be viewed as a deterrent, or an opportunity to meander in the rain while playing like a happy child in the puddles ... a social media comment that denotes something that goes completely against everything you hold dear can be viewed as a depressant that keeps you up all night, or a challenge to be the better person that helps you look yourself in the mirror each morning ... a voice mail or text or letter that says derogatory things can either cause you to believe you're not good enough, or something that lights those embers underneath you to start a fire flame that simply burns with warmth toward humankind and refuses to put forth ghosts of smoke to blind others in its path.

Isn't it, essentially, up to each and every one of us to determine our reactions to every situation?

Simply my thoughts as I stare at the lovely, warm disintegrating embers of this fire that I enjoyed for most of the evening.  Feel free to come to your own conclusions.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

What if .....

We lost a neighbor today.  A sweet, engaging, elderly gentleman whom I only had surface level conversations with over the past 8 months since we moved here.  He lived 2 doors down, and was a lovely individual.  He hadn't been seen for 2 or 3 days, people got worried, no answer at the door, no sight at the windows ... a neighbor brought out a roof ladder and looked in his upstairs window, he was lying lifeless beside his bed.  Police and fire and medic and eventually, the coroner showed up.  It's so tragic when a life is lost, but it can also be a time for reflection.

My neighbor was a lovely man whom I did not know well, but always enjoyed our short chats when we would encounter each other.  I can only hope that someone would notice my absence in the same way that our neighborhood did if I was not around for a few days.  I hope that, even though he was found lying beside his bed, that he went swiftly and peacefully. One can only wish that for those that we encounter in our lives.

Personally, it makes me ponder what I've done with life, and what I want to be remembered for in my life.  I've gone through many personal trials ... those of you who read my blog know this.  I feel that I have become a better person, a better mom, a better partner, a better human, through those life lessons. But what would others say?  If I didn't show up at normal locations for a few days, would anyone notice?  Think about it with your own life ... regardless of friends, and family, and colleagues, and neighbors, and activities .... if you didn't show up for normal life for a few days, would it be noticed?

For me, the clincher is this ... if I were to leave this earth, what would I have left behind?  I know that I would leave behind two amazing, capable, self-reliant, talented, kind-hearted, open-minded individuals in my children. I have raised them as such.  I'm pretty sure that my family and closest friends would say that I was a strong, capable, kind-hearted, open-minded, caring person, but would they then carry that forward in my memory?  I would hope so.  I would hope that the elderly man that I randomly conversed with on the bus, and the woman on the street that I shared a smile and laugh with, and the server at the last restaurant that I went to where we laughed over an order malfunction, that their days were all a bit brighter or that they would remember me in a positive light.  I would hope that my professors would remember me as intelligent.  I would hope that anyone who ever crossed my path would remember me as caring.  To me, the important part is that however I am remembered, it would be in a positive light.

LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT IS YOUR LAST.

Love, Hugs, and Positive Karma,
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Poem

My brain is so tired, it is turned to mush.
It feels like oatmeal, a watery gush,
Of facts, and figures, and chemical things,
That are supposed to be elements, but continue like strings,
Of data and colors and numbers and goop,
Of gobbledy, goobledy, gookidy-goo.
I'm studying chemistry, studying facts,
Studying psych and research and math.
Numbers and figures and letters, oh my!
They get in the way of the things that I try,
To make the main purpose of what I achieve,
On what I focus, on what helps me breathe.
My children, my art, choreography, and tunes,
The moments my Love brings and acts as my muse.
I cannot stop now, I cannot go back,
I refuse to accept that I cannot attack,
All of these things,
My brain cells are fried,
Yet even though it causes great stress inside,
I keep trudging forward, hold onto what's there,
'Cause one day the stressors will know to BEWARE,
Those people who doubt, those who don't trust,
I've got this. I know it. Hear this,
EAT MY DUST.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

To The Man Who Stole My Wallet Yesterday

Dear Sir:

Please understand that the only reason I use the gentlemanly term of "sir", is because of your advanced age bracket, because what you did was not at at gentlemanly!  Yes, I do know what you look like. I remember you. You got onto the bus yesterday at the same place I did. I remember you sat down a couple rows behind me, and your beard and countenance reminded me of some sweet, grandfatherly figure ... or at least I thought so at the time. I wonder if you watched as I reached into the pocket of my bag to pull out my gloves just before my stop. I wonder if you saw my wallet fall out of that pocket as I did so, or if you simply noticed it as I stood up to disembark. I was the only person in that seat section, so it would have been obvious to whom the wallet belonged.

Did you know that I was on the way to meet my son? Five minutes after disembarking, as I walked into his music class to pay his tuition, I noticed that it was missing. Did you realize that the android phone you so unceremoniously chucked into that trashcan has GPS tracking? We were able to find it that way. Thank you, by the way, for simply throwing it in the trash. That's one less thing I have to replace.

You are actually quite photogenic. The video surveillance cameras in the store where you threw my phone away and then proceeded to rent Redbox movies using my bankcard were pointed right at you. The police have those, and some very good close up shots of you as you made your movie purchases. They were able to watch your every move. I hope those were fantastic movies. They just might cost you a lot more than you originally anticipated.

Your choice of action has caused me to contemplate many things as I go through the motions of reporting, canceling, and replacing all the parts of my life that were in that wallet. Yes, you did, in fact, have a choice. You could have alerted me to the wallet dropping or you could have turned it in to the bus driver. I have no idea of what your circumstances are. I'm sure that there is a reason you made the choice that you did. Maybe you've been out of work for some time, or maybe you were depressed, needed a relaxing movie evening, and felt that was the only way you could afford one. Whatever your reason, I am sure you thought it to be a valid one at the time. Unfortunate and misguided, but valid in your mind nonetheless ... it sucks for you that the only cash I had in there was about 35 cents.

I'd like to let you know a little about the woman you stole from. I am a single mother that is back in college after being laid off from my job over a year ago. I'm definitely a people person, and probably would have rented you those movies myself had you only asked politely. I tend to be impulsive and impatient at times, so this experience has been a great lesson in patience development for me, which is a good thing. It has also helped me with prioritizing skills over the past 24 hours. You see, in the middle of all the obvious things that were happening like freaking out over the loss of my wallet and phone, filing the report, canceling the id's and cards, and spending time with my son, I also had a number of things due for classes today and tomorrow. It really helps to know that I have the ability to navigate a whirlwind of stress, such as the one you created, and still am able to meet my school deadlines and focus on and assist my children. I appreciate the gift of that knowledge. Finally, it has caused me to truly evaluate and appreciate the things in my life that are not just "things". My mother, my boyfriend, and my son, who braved the freezing temperatures in that parking lot for over two hours while we worked with the police and assisted in any way possible with the legwork and computer tracking. The off duty officer who initially assisted me, then continued to work with us and the on duty officer who arrived shortly after to officially handle the case. Both of them were wonderful, intelligent,  efficient, and comforting, and we all even shared a few laughs in spite of the cold and frustration. The immediate helpfulness of the store management once they were informed of the situation. The fact that I am fortunate enough to have a thick, warm jacket to wear, a supportive, loving family to back me up, a warm, comfortable home to return to and eat hot soup after being in a frozen parking lot for all that time ... It is definitely the little things that are many times taken for granted that make life wonderful, and I am thankful your actions were able to remind me of that.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the unintentional lessons and wish good luck to you. I firmly believe that there is good somewhere in everyone and that even the most horrible experiences have silver linings somewhere.  I hope you read this and that you'll make better choices for your own life in the future.

Sincerely,
The Girl In The Little Black Dress