The Dichotomy of Angst

Worry, hardships, grief, stress in general ... it manifests different ways in different people.  Some become more nurturing and peacemaking, some get blinders-on focused and belligerent towards anyone or anything in their way, some become isolationary & introspective, some even do everything in their power to avoid dealing with the situation, whether it be through humor or avoidance or adopting self-destructive tactics. There is no one right way to deal with life's perilous situations, it's completely specific to the individual and their outlook. The commandment "Love thy neighbor as thyself," doesn't always work well if you tend to negatively react to situations, in part because self esteem is at a minimum.

Life throws us curve balls constantly. Whether it's to test us, or to empower us, I do not pretend to know.  One thing I do know is this, we are only as emotionally strong as we allow ourselves to be. We all need assistance and/or reassurance from others at times. We all need to be left alone to assess the situation in our own way at times. The constant, is how we actively choose to communicate those needs to others. Those who love us will understand and forgive our eccentricities, but we should also remember that the only reason that they do so is because of that love, which shouldn't be taken for granted even in the harshest of moments in our lives.

Love your neighbor as yourself. No matter how much or little we love ourselves, taking a second of thanks, or just verbalizing an awareness of someone's efforts, giving a hug, or extending a kind word, those moments go a long, long way in solidifying the love and assistance that we sometimes take for granted, especially during tough times.

Simply thoughts to ponder, and possibly remember, the next time a speed bump occurs in the road of life.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life Learned From Art

Show closings are always bittersweet.  The show that I've been performing in closed last night. It has been an absolutely fantastic run. Great, productive rehearsals with just enough goofing off and laughing at each other, sold out shows, constant adrenaline highs from enthusiastic audiences, stellar reviews, laughter & inside jokes backstage with the cast, and the thrill of being cast with and getting to perform as a couple with my "significant other" .... after the final curtain closes and the final bows are taken it's both disconcerting & somehow a bit sad.

No more show calls, no more rehearsals, no more adjusting schedules to make sure one is where one needs to be with time to get into character, and, if it's a show night, transform yourself physically into whatever character you're portraying. Initially, it feels confusing & weird.  Like, what do people do when they have free time??

Every show I perform in, I somehow seem to learn a lesson or two of some sort. It may be because of the direction, or the interaction with the cast, or the character I'm portraying herself, but there always seems to be at least one life lesson there.

This show in particular, I played a narcissistic, sexually independent woman who happens to be having a "fling" with a mafia hitman .... who just happens to be her therapist's brother. Needless to say, that is not where my lessons occurred ... other than possibly learning my character's ability to completely let go and be exactly who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks .. which is not necessarily a bad lesson for my life!

This show, however, taught me Perseverance. No matter what else is happening in your life or how stressful it may be, persevere to be prepared, know your lines, understand your character, interact with and actively listen to what's going on around you, and above all, leave your personal issues outside the stage door. Step away from the malarkey of daily life and honestly become a completely different person (in the eyes of the audience) for a few hours a night. That truly is one of the beauties (and benefits!) of acting. The ability to step out of your own life for a few hours a day. It is a lesson, however, that can be applied under normal circumstances.

There will always be things both small and large in our lives that will cause stress, cause pain, cause anguish, or simply create complete befuddlement of our brains. The ability to step away, let go, and focus on what's directly in front of you that needs your attention at the time, to persevere no matter what else is happening around you is an attribute that we all should strive for. Without it, we allow the negative and mundane to take over our lives, and we risk missing out on the fabulous moments that we could achieve if only we continued to focus & persevere.

Life is a marathon. Don't give up just before the final mile is finished. There just might be something fantastic around that final corner.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Poem

My brain is so tired, it is turned to mush.
It feels like oatmeal, a watery gush,
Of facts, and figures, and chemical things,
That are supposed to be elements, but continue like strings,
Of data and colors and numbers and goop,
Of gobbledy, goobledy, gookidy-goo.
I'm studying chemistry, studying facts,
Studying psych and research and math.
Numbers and figures and letters, oh my!
They get in the way of the things that I try,
To make the main purpose of what I achieve,
On what I focus, on what helps me breathe.
My children, my art, choreography, and tunes,
The moments my Love brings and acts as my muse.
I cannot stop now, I cannot go back,
I refuse to accept that I cannot attack,
All of these things,
My brain cells are fried,
Yet even though it causes great stress inside,
I keep trudging forward, hold onto what's there,
'Cause one day the stressors will know to BEWARE,
Those people who doubt, those who don't trust,
I've got this. I know it. Hear this,
EAT MY DUST.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Ripple Effect of Choice

There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand.  Some are basic ... I do not understand calculus (nor do I want to), I do not understand the phenomenon that occurs when one straightens & cleans a room, only to turn around 20 minutes later to find it trashed again (this phenomenon generally occurs when children and/or puppy dogs are present, but we won't go there), I do not understand why when you take the time to wash and detail your vehicle, it seems to rain & get it all mucky again within the following 24 hours .... basic stuff.  One of the biggest things I have trouble with, however, is the existence and usage of hate.

Don't get me wrong, I've felt that horrible emotion.  More than once.  It will take you over, raise your blood pressure, and create thoughts in your head of terrible possibilities toward the offending entity that would make the coldest, hardest of criminals blush.  The emotion itself breeds a whole host of other responses that generally seem to include hurtful, damaging speech patterns at the least, and, moving further up the line, underhanded, sometimes clandestine actions, a general lack of thoughts and empathy for anyone or anything else in the world surrounding said entity, lashing out via any channel at one's disposal, and at worst, evil sorts of reactions that would only end up on the evening news or America's Most Wanted.  To embrace any form of this emotion and allow it to control even a portion of your life is something that is one of the most terrible things on earth.  Why would we do this to ourselves?  It doesn't make you feel any better.  In fact, it only makes you feel more stressed, more on edge, more hatred in every ounce of your being.  It's like it multiplies the more you utilize it.

There are people in this world who seem to live by nothing else.  Their actions and words do nothing but create grief and pain in the lives of everything around them, yet they continue to embrace this horrible, evil stance and outlook as if it's a life line that will save them from drowning.  It's so sad and unfortunate.  To spend your life wasting even an ounce of your energy on these negative endeavors ultimately only creates a gnawing, all-encompassing, empty, dark hopeless place within oneself that gets so ingrained it won't dissipate even with the happiest of moments or the brightest of sunshine.  There are wars being fought with hate at their root, simply because of people being narrow-minded in their belief systems & lashing out at those who believe differently.  There are legal battles that ensue, simply because one or both parties can't or won't let go of past hurtful moments between them and fully move forward with their lives.  There are children and spouses that are abused because the abuser has some form of hate inside them from past experience, regret, or fear that creates moments of physically lashing out due to their inability to let go of those past painful moments.  There are animals that are abused because that same hate has led to egotistical power trips in the minds of those doing the abusing. There are those with diseases like eating disorders and alcoholism who turn that hatred to an internal place and lash out at themselves.  It's a horrible, terrible, dark, lonely place to live.  Only when you begin to let go of the emotion, only when you allow yourself to realize that you are the only one in control of your actions and reactions, that you have the power to create happiness around you through positive words and actions instead of the negative ones, that the process of letting go of that all encompassing negativity and replacing it with empathy and kindness, will create an inner peace and light within yourself that can weather any storm or situation, and will transfer itself to everything and everyone around you so that they feel a bit less of that darkness within themselves, only then can you truly see the damage and darkness that hate can spawn like a ripple effect.

Hate.  It's defined in the dictionary as intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.  It ought to be the acronym for Horrible Actions Toward Everything.  Myself, I'm learning to let go of that emotion completely and refocus the intensity on more positive options.  If there's an intense dislike at base level, walking away and removing whatever or whomever it is from my life completely might be possible, or if that is not, then examining why I feel this way so that I might create a positive change for myself in my focus on the person, place, or thing creating the feeling.  Even if it's the actions of another human, do I really want to beat myself up and use every ounce of my energy on ultimately hurting myself with my thoughts, words, and reactions?  Or would my time be better served and my energy put to better use through focusing on positive things I can do, positive changes I can make, and empathy toward the offender who is only hurting themselves with their endeavors?  Instead of the dark, damaging ripple effect of hate, the calmer, brighter ripple effect of empathy, happiness, and peace.  It's not easy to choose the latter option, but I've learned it is worth the effort.  Which ripple effect will you choose?  Think about it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Blips On The Radar

I began writing a vent blog last night out of sheer frustration ... threw it out this morning.  The benefits from a solid night's sleep are amazing.  While the situation in question is still one of immense frustration and annoyance, looking at it through well rested eyes after a cup of great coffee allows me to put it in perspective.  Life's frustrations are simply blips on the radar.  To look at the big picture ... all the other good, positive things that are happening and I'm working on accomplishing, all of those in both the US and worldwide with major trauma and issues so infinitely greater than my own, well, those blips are just blips.  They're there, they're annoying, they can be blinding, and eventually they fade away into oblivion.  The only thing I can do is to focus on what's positive and what I can actually work toward achieving.  I am only responsible for my own actions and reactions ... how others choose to act and react is their own responsibility.  Onward and forward .. today is a fresh start for a new day!

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Facets of Complication

Complicated.  The word encompasses so many areas of life.  From description of WHO we individually are, to HOW we individually act and react, to circumstances in general.  Looking inside yourself, however, is the most complicated thing of all.  Why do I do the things that I do?  Why do I make the decisions that I make?  Why do I react the way that I react?  Why do I act the way that I act?  Talk about complicated ...... the most complicated of all, however, seems to be the understanding and melding of different ideologies, actions, reactions, and ways of dealing with situations in a relationship.  Take two humans who share a romantic passionate connection, then attempt to achieve understanding from each to the other of how that person thinks, acts and reacts in any given situation, and have each accept the differences without getting their own feelings hurt in some way .... equals in complicated WORK from both parties.

Why are relationships so much work?

In truth, we can think that we are making every effort to be upfront, honest, flexible and understanding in any relationship, but if the other party communicates and/or thinks in a different way, they may not feel that we are putting forth any effort at all.  The delicate balance between what we think and feel we're putting forth regarding effort vs. what someone else thinks or feels we or they are putting forth, vs. the overarching looking at the equation from the outside .... well, things are never quite what they seem in our own heads.  While relationships of all types do require effort, I'm learning that the most important part of that is that all parties put in the effort and that it is recognized by all parties involved.  If it's not recognized that the effort is being made on all fronts ... well, let's just say that it's a recipe for hurt feelings and relationship disaster on every front.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Positive Notes from the Rollercoaster

Sometimes things turn out better than they would originally seem.  Sometimes, even when you feel like the entire world is a sad, lost cause & that the best parts of your life are railing against you, occasionally, things turn themselves around via efforts that you didn't realize were noticed, and become absolutely fabulous.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but let's just say that the past 48 hours have been quite the rollercoaster ride.  But just like a rollercoaster, with drops that take your heart and breath away, paired with climbs to heights that are breathtakingly beautiful, eventually the ride slows down so you can catch your breath, look at the person in the seat beside you, & achieve the realization that the calmness after the adrenaline rush is an unequivocally beautiful thing.  Right now, I'm sitting beside a beautiful fire by candlelight, after an almost perfect day of friends, family, children, happy wishes and notes from so many I care about, and magical moments with someone incredibly important and dear to me.  Life may not be easy, or perfect every moment, but its ups and downs that sometimes resemble that death defying rollercoaster, do make the moments that are happy and wonderful and fulfilling so much more beyond words gratifingly phenomenal.  Even the tearful moments create a deep appreciation for the happy possibilities when they occur. 
Sometimes things turn out better than they would originally seem.  I don't think I would change one thing.  :)

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Birthday to Me! :)
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Learning to Dance in the Rain

There's a saying that I've been thinking of lately: "Life isn't just about learning to weather the storms.  It's about learning to dance in the rain."  The more I think about that adage, the more it seems to make sense. The general advice given by well-meaning friends and family to someone going through rough times is to "stay strong", or "chin up", or "nothing lasts forever".  They want us to be the happy, positive person that they know we can be, as opposed to the sad, depressed, upset, wallowing mess that we become under intense circumstancial duress.

There's a scene in the movie Forrest Gump where the character Lieutenant Dan is in the crow's nest of the shrimp boat during a hurricane.  He's screaming at the storm, laughing at the storm, defying the intensity of the storm that would cause most of us to run for cover or cower in fear.  Now that may not be "dancing in the rain" ala Gene Kelly, but in my book it's similar.  Dancing seems to be a subjective verb that's open to interpretation.

Sometimes the "storms" in life aren't so much huge hurricanes that arrive, end, and leave us to make sense of the levels of perceived disaster left in their wake.  Sometimes the "storms" are seemingly constant squalls that feel like they're beginning to let up & give us some peace, but then another one hits, and another, and another, so that it doesn't ever seem that we're given a chance to truly breathe and move beyond the pain of the ones before.  To truly begin to enjoy that sunshine and calm that happens after an intense storm.  In the movie, Forrest and Lieutenant Dan are catapulted into a successful business thanks to that hurricane and their tenacity in not going back to port to hide from it.  It's not so simple to find the proverbial rainbow after the weathering of, or "dancing" in the rain of all of life's storms.  When it seems that everytime you find the strength to begin to get back up and put a smile on your face to handle life, another one hits to knock you back to your knees .... well, those rainbows don't appear through the clouds in a very apparent fashion. 

The thing about it is, all of those moments of circumstancial duress are not always random storms that appear and wreak havoc without our input.  Ultimately, our own decisions bring us to find almost every so-called storm.  Some of them are simply life passage storms, like the death of someone we chose to love, the breakup of a relationship we chose to be in, the leaving home of a child we chose to have.  Those seem intensely sad while going through, but the rainbows afterwards are easy to discern when we eventually look for them.  Some of them are more definitively our own doing in bringing the onset of, like financial issues or legal trouble.  Some of them, while ultimately tracing back to decisions we've made, aren't as easy to admit they're at least partially of our own making, like recovering from various diseases or addictions or injuries ..... so the "dancing" could really be confronting and embracing the pain in whatever form.  Not just cowering from it or attempting to ignore it until it's buried so deep it feels like it's gone, but truly facing it head on and embracing its existence so that it can ultimately be understood and moved beyond.  Dancing in the rain, embracing the rain, understanding the rain, accepting the rain ...... moving beyond the rain.  Synonyms?  Maybe if we didn't pigeonhole the verb dancing, the rainbows, or at least a bit of sunshine, would be easier to find in life.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Warped Universe

From what I can see, the universe tends to have a pretty warped sense of humour. For example, I know someone who's income was sliced in half due to company accounting issues this month, and, of course, she ended up with a plumbing issue post-rainstorm that's going to cost around $1500 in addition to the child that got sick and ended up in the hospital last week, in addition to the $5K bill that showed up from her attorney. Warped.

Everyone has their own theory of the universe. Mine tends to be a mixture of many schools of thought, but I have a number of friends to whom Christianity makes the most sense & keeps them feeling grounded. I also have friends that follow Buddhism, and some who lean more toward Wicca and/or the earth-based religions. Regardless of what higher power or earth force anyone subscribes to, I do find that we are all of the same mind in this. Everyone would pretty much agree that most things happen for a reason .... there's even the old adage of "you'll never be given more in this life than you can handle". Bullshit. While you may realize that you can handle it later, and even further down the road, laugh about it, there does come a point when the amount of things hitting you at once that you have zero control over will make you want to sit holding your knees in a dark corner while rocking back and forth and singing nursery rhymes. I don't care how old you are or how strong you normally are. It happens.

Now, doesn't that just make you wonder if somewhere out there in the cosmos there's some sarcastic smart-ass albeit sometimes benevolent Overlord swirling their hands around saying "Heeheeheehee .. THIS will keep me from being bored! Let's see what happens!"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress