Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Serenity of Gratefulness

The beginning of a new year tends to bring about reminiscences of the passing year's adventures had, triumphs won, and moments lost. It's difficult not to rejoice in the new year's upcoming possibilities without dwelling, at least momentarily, upon times past.

I had lunch with a sweet friend the other day. Both of us have experienced fairly major life changes over the past year. As we chatted and laughed, enjoying the few hours we had without worries or responsibilities, I felt a sense of carefree happiness, the likes of which I haven't felt in many months. It occurred to me, that being grateful for moments of that nature, is a much better use of my year-end reminiscing than worrying about the past, or the future. So, in an effort to pay homage to all forms of moments upcoming, and those gone but not forgotten, I've decided to write a Grateful List.

 

• Family - Through good and bad, exciting and mundane, happy and sad, they are and will always be a constant. There are times that their well-meaning assistance helps, and there are times that it has been known to drive us all a bit nuts, but family will always be a part of our lives. Our children and all the insightful, surprising lessons they teach us, just by being themselves, every day; our parents and family members with all of their well-meaning help and encouragement, even though they may frustrate us at times because their views and beliefs may not coincide with our own, from them we have the ability to learn so much about ourselves and the world around us. A living breathing reminder of who we are, where we've come from, and the manifestation of the hopes for generations to come. For that, I am Grateful.
• Relationships - No matter whether they're current or former, positive or negative, happy or painful, there is always something learned from each and every one. Some lessons are about how we perceive others, some are about how we view ourselves. As long as we pay attention and utilize the lessons that are there for us, no relationship is ever a waste of time. Even the ones that make us wonder how on earth we could have been that stupid hold valuable lessons for us to take forward in our lives. I am grateful for the lessons of past and present relationships.
• There are so many other things, big and small, that we might overlook in the hustle and bustle of daily life, that are cause for reflection and a moment of gratitude towards the universe. The smile of a child, the sight of a flower or beautiful sunset. The warmth of a hug, the kindness of a stranger, the sound of laughter with a friend. Random acts of kindness, or someone simply taking the time to listen and care. The warmth and scent of a roaring fire on a chilly evening, the caress of a cool breeze on a hot day, the pure joy of a pet's loving greeting upon your arrival home (even if you've only been gone for a few minutes!). A place to call home, the aroma of fresh baked goods, the sound of music on a starry night. For all of these things, and many more, I am truly grateful.

Take a moment, in the birth month of this new year, to stop, contemplate, and enjoy the immediate present. No matter what that immediate present may be, I bet you find a bit of happiness in it. All you have to do is stop, look, and be there.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life as a Philosophical Seussism

Dr. Seuss was a Master Philosopher.  I firmly believe this.  All you have to do is read even slightly between the lines of his, on the surface, nonsensical writing style, or take a look at any of his many famous quotes, and the truth is absolutely there.

Consider the quote, "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  While I feel like I need to write this as a reminder at the top of every physics exam page, it is also quite true for most of life.  We overthink, and stress about, and complicate so much of our daily occurrences. If we were to, instead, take a deep breath, step back, and truly look at the entire picture, then focus on the solution, might not the best answer be the simplist one possible?

What about the phrase from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish? "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"  No.  Joke.  From children, to pets, to random humans in the grocery or on the street, to the silly stupid jokes shared with those closest to you, there is almost always something out there to laugh at .... including yourself!

Another, would be from The Lorax, "It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become."  This one I believe to be true for both good and bad, positive and negative, truths and lies, and everything in-between.  Think about it.  All things are what they are, and are exactly what they are in the way that one sees, interprets, and applies them.  They begin as they exactly are, and become whatever we turn them into.  Ponder that one.

The quote that I deep down believe was a political statement (well hidden) is from The Cat In The Hat.  "And this mess is so big, and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up, there is no way at all!"  That one, politically, speaks for itself (in my opinion).

My personal favorite, that I tend to revert to like a mantra whenever I'm stressed out or hurt by other people in life is a quote that's not from one of his books.  It goes like this, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see.  Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"  Best.  Empowering.  Quote.  Ever.

There are literally THOUSANDS of quotes and passages from Dr. Suess's books and lifetime that would apply to my life, your life, and the life of everyone and everything on this planet in almost any situation or scenario.  Here is a link if you want to look at more of them: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/61105.Dr_Seuss

Until next time, try to remember as you go forward in your day the immortal, philosophical words "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)"


~ The Girl In The LIttle Black Dress (with assistance from Dr. Seuss)

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life Learned From Art

Show closings are always bittersweet.  The show that I've been performing in closed last night. It has been an absolutely fantastic run. Great, productive rehearsals with just enough goofing off and laughing at each other, sold out shows, constant adrenaline highs from enthusiastic audiences, stellar reviews, laughter & inside jokes backstage with the cast, and the thrill of being cast with and getting to perform as a couple with my "significant other" .... after the final curtain closes and the final bows are taken it's both disconcerting & somehow a bit sad.

No more show calls, no more rehearsals, no more adjusting schedules to make sure one is where one needs to be with time to get into character, and, if it's a show night, transform yourself physically into whatever character you're portraying. Initially, it feels confusing & weird.  Like, what do people do when they have free time??

Every show I perform in, I somehow seem to learn a lesson or two of some sort. It may be because of the direction, or the interaction with the cast, or the character I'm portraying herself, but there always seems to be at least one life lesson there.

This show in particular, I played a narcissistic, sexually independent woman who happens to be having a "fling" with a mafia hitman .... who just happens to be her therapist's brother. Needless to say, that is not where my lessons occurred ... other than possibly learning my character's ability to completely let go and be exactly who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks .. which is not necessarily a bad lesson for my life!

This show, however, taught me Perseverance. No matter what else is happening in your life or how stressful it may be, persevere to be prepared, know your lines, understand your character, interact with and actively listen to what's going on around you, and above all, leave your personal issues outside the stage door. Step away from the malarkey of daily life and honestly become a completely different person (in the eyes of the audience) for a few hours a night. That truly is one of the beauties (and benefits!) of acting. The ability to step out of your own life for a few hours a day. It is a lesson, however, that can be applied under normal circumstances.

There will always be things both small and large in our lives that will cause stress, cause pain, cause anguish, or simply create complete befuddlement of our brains. The ability to step away, let go, and focus on what's directly in front of you that needs your attention at the time, to persevere no matter what else is happening around you is an attribute that we all should strive for. Without it, we allow the negative and mundane to take over our lives, and we risk missing out on the fabulous moments that we could achieve if only we continued to focus & persevere.

Life is a marathon. Don't give up just before the final mile is finished. There just might be something fantastic around that final corner.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Unexpected of Life

One of my closest friends got married this past weekend.  It was a gorgeous, amazing, perfect, beautiful wedding.  The songs during the ceremony all had meaning to the two of them and their lives together thus far, the people they care about the most were there, both family and friends, the bride was breathtaking and the groom was dashing debonair .... as maid of honor I had the unique pleasure of being an integral part of the planning and festivities, and for that I am oh so incredibly thankful.  I love it when two people who are simply SUPPOSED to be together, are exactly that ... together.  It reminds me that some things in life actually do make sense.

Now, in the aftermath of getting back to real, regular life .... no emergency texts from the bride to be with pleas for assistance, no planning to be done, no huge shindig with its music and frivolity to look forward .... how does one find that innate ability to keep going with an upbeat attitude and positive outlook even though there's a bit of nostalgia for the loss of something so grand upcoming?  I'm willing to bet that this happens to everyone reading this.  Be it after a holiday, or a major event, the days following are a bit of a trudging through period attempting to lock into that next great thing upcoming.  It's not always easy, but it always happens.

What if every single day of life could be the next great thing to look forward to?  What if, despite the job stresses, and family stresses, and life stress in general that can't be controlled, what if every single day has something phenomenal in it that you simply have to keep your eyes open for so you don't miss it?  It could be as simple as a warm sunny spring day, or the sight of an unexpected beautiful flower, or a thank you hug from someone you made smile, or an extra 10 to 15 minutes you unexpectedly get to do whatever your heart desires with no regard for anyone else, or a fun note from a friend ..... there are so many positive things out there that can make each day a wonderful experience if only we actively choose to watch for them and appreciate them no matter how small.  Things that we can look forward to.  Every single day.  Even if we don't know what they are until they arrive.  Life's little gifts ..... look around today and take notice.  I bet you'll find something unexpected but wonderful if you try!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Intentions vs. Actions ... The Chicken or The Egg?

Intentions versus actions.  Both can be misconstrued or completely appreciated.  Both can be understood or misunderstood.  Both can be positive or negative.  Both have the power to lift others up into a happier place, or to bring others down into the depths of despair.  Is one more important than the other?

Our intentions tend to drive our actions.  What happens when the intentions don't match the actions in the eyes of others?  Does that mean that our intentions were impure?  The intention to create a surprise for someone we love that will make them happy after a tough day, but the action brings up unknown, unhappy memories from their past that only makes things worse ... the intention to help a friend, but the action causes unintentional grief ... the intention to guide a child in a positive direction, but the action causes them confusion and hurt in the aftermath.  What about the other side?  When someone intends to be hurtful or crass or just plain mean, but the actions only cause laughter and ego-bruising for the person intending to be hurtful ... what happens to intention versus action then?

It's almost a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" question.  The old adage is "actions speak louder than words", but what happens when the actions create an unintended result in either direction?  Should we place more importance on the intention with which the action was undertaken, or the resulting action regardless of the intention?  My personal opinion is that communication to understand the origin of the action is crucial.  It's understandable to feel hurt by an action, but that hurt can be assuaged, or at the least, lessened, by realizing and understanding the intention.  No one is perfect, so what seems to be a plausible action or reaction to one person, might seem unrealistic or inappropriate to another.  All relationships, from co-workers to friends to significant others to life partners, benefit from attempting to understand the intention behind another's actions.  Taking that minute or two to hear someone out instead of jumping to a possibly incorrect conclusion is a key component in any relationship.  I truly believe that.  We may not always understand each other immediately, but our relationships can ultimately stand the test of time with just a little open-mindedness and curiosity of understanding.

I suppose my point is that the intention can definitely be more important than the action taken.  If the intention was pure and positive, then to me, any unintentional, negative results from the actions are ultimately completely forgivable.  If the intentions were mean and horrid, then any unintentional positive results from the actions are ultimately a happy surprise.  Intentions versus Actions ... I don't know if one is truly more powerful than the other, but I'd rather focus on the intent.  To me, it seems an infinitely more important, more telling focus.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Ego versus Empathy

"Everybody's got the right to be, happy. Everybody's got the right to feel free! Rich man, poor man, black or white, grab the apple, take a bite! Everybody's got the right to their dreams!"

Lyrics. I'm currently choreographing a musical theater show titled "Assassins". It's a poignant dark comedy, but those lyrics seem to hit home in so many other areas.

Why is it that some people feel it is their right to attempt to take away the rights & dreams & happiness of others?  From something global like the former Apartheid or the current Middle East jihad unrest, to something national like Gay Marriage Rights, or something more personal like nasty divorces or custody battles. In every single case, it ultimately boils down to the views & values & beliefs of one person versus that of another. While basic laws must be in place for a civilized society to exist, who is anyone of us on this planet to judge what makes another happy or what their dreams & path in life should be?  Who among those of us that walk this earth are so perfect, They should be given the right to pass that judgment? 

Civil wars throughout the world, opposing political party viewpoints, children being denied one parent simply due to the views of another ..... all of these are tragedies that occur when one human takes it upon themselves to stand on a soapbox & proclaim that their way of doing things is the only one that is correct.  It's sad.  It's egotistical.  It's just plain demented.

Last I checked, no matter what your theological beliefs or moral value systems are, the Constitution of the United States of America proclaims that All are Equal. If that truly is the case, then who is any of us to judge the thoughts, feelings, belief systems, & lifestyle choices of anyone except holding our own selves accountable?

So you're religious? Why can someone else's religious beliefs not be as equally valuable to them as yours are to you? 

So you're straight? Why can someone else's gender preferences not be as equally viable to them as yours are to you? 

So you're divorced? Well you obviously had differences of opinion to begin with or you wouldn't be divorced.  Why then must your children suffer because you personally disagree with lifestyle choices your ex is making, as long as the children are loved & cared for by both sides?

Unfortunately, thanks to the overinflated egos of many humans out there, a utopian society of true empathy, compassion, & understanding will never truly exist.  However, if my thoughts cause you to take a tiny step back & reassess what the overarching good of a possibly tumultuous situation might be the next time you encounter such a thing ...... Just saying ......

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Ripple Effect of Choice

There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand.  Some are basic ... I do not understand calculus (nor do I want to), I do not understand the phenomenon that occurs when one straightens & cleans a room, only to turn around 20 minutes later to find it trashed again (this phenomenon generally occurs when children and/or puppy dogs are present, but we won't go there), I do not understand why when you take the time to wash and detail your vehicle, it seems to rain & get it all mucky again within the following 24 hours .... basic stuff.  One of the biggest things I have trouble with, however, is the existence and usage of hate.

Don't get me wrong, I've felt that horrible emotion.  More than once.  It will take you over, raise your blood pressure, and create thoughts in your head of terrible possibilities toward the offending entity that would make the coldest, hardest of criminals blush.  The emotion itself breeds a whole host of other responses that generally seem to include hurtful, damaging speech patterns at the least, and, moving further up the line, underhanded, sometimes clandestine actions, a general lack of thoughts and empathy for anyone or anything else in the world surrounding said entity, lashing out via any channel at one's disposal, and at worst, evil sorts of reactions that would only end up on the evening news or America's Most Wanted.  To embrace any form of this emotion and allow it to control even a portion of your life is something that is one of the most terrible things on earth.  Why would we do this to ourselves?  It doesn't make you feel any better.  In fact, it only makes you feel more stressed, more on edge, more hatred in every ounce of your being.  It's like it multiplies the more you utilize it.

There are people in this world who seem to live by nothing else.  Their actions and words do nothing but create grief and pain in the lives of everything around them, yet they continue to embrace this horrible, evil stance and outlook as if it's a life line that will save them from drowning.  It's so sad and unfortunate.  To spend your life wasting even an ounce of your energy on these negative endeavors ultimately only creates a gnawing, all-encompassing, empty, dark hopeless place within oneself that gets so ingrained it won't dissipate even with the happiest of moments or the brightest of sunshine.  There are wars being fought with hate at their root, simply because of people being narrow-minded in their belief systems & lashing out at those who believe differently.  There are legal battles that ensue, simply because one or both parties can't or won't let go of past hurtful moments between them and fully move forward with their lives.  There are children and spouses that are abused because the abuser has some form of hate inside them from past experience, regret, or fear that creates moments of physically lashing out due to their inability to let go of those past painful moments.  There are animals that are abused because that same hate has led to egotistical power trips in the minds of those doing the abusing. There are those with diseases like eating disorders and alcoholism who turn that hatred to an internal place and lash out at themselves.  It's a horrible, terrible, dark, lonely place to live.  Only when you begin to let go of the emotion, only when you allow yourself to realize that you are the only one in control of your actions and reactions, that you have the power to create happiness around you through positive words and actions instead of the negative ones, that the process of letting go of that all encompassing negativity and replacing it with empathy and kindness, will create an inner peace and light within yourself that can weather any storm or situation, and will transfer itself to everything and everyone around you so that they feel a bit less of that darkness within themselves, only then can you truly see the damage and darkness that hate can spawn like a ripple effect.

Hate.  It's defined in the dictionary as intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.  It ought to be the acronym for Horrible Actions Toward Everything.  Myself, I'm learning to let go of that emotion completely and refocus the intensity on more positive options.  If there's an intense dislike at base level, walking away and removing whatever or whomever it is from my life completely might be possible, or if that is not, then examining why I feel this way so that I might create a positive change for myself in my focus on the person, place, or thing creating the feeling.  Even if it's the actions of another human, do I really want to beat myself up and use every ounce of my energy on ultimately hurting myself with my thoughts, words, and reactions?  Or would my time be better served and my energy put to better use through focusing on positive things I can do, positive changes I can make, and empathy toward the offender who is only hurting themselves with their endeavors?  Instead of the dark, damaging ripple effect of hate, the calmer, brighter ripple effect of empathy, happiness, and peace.  It's not easy to choose the latter option, but I've learned it is worth the effort.  Which ripple effect will you choose?  Think about it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Ripple Effect of Focus

Negativity is defined by Webster as the following: a : lacking positive qualities; especially : disagreeable  b : marked by features of hostility, withdrawal, or pessimism that hinder or oppose constructive treatment or development .  Doesn't sound that great, does it?  Synonyms for the word are adversarial, antagonistic, inhospitable, hostile, unfriendly, & unsympathetic.  None of these sound, or are, pleasant or happy or like anything we would actively want to align ourselves with in any way.  Yet, all of this seems to exist as a main focus in our attitudes and the world around us on a regular basis.  The media tends to focus on anything that will raise a ruckus or cause people to go up in arms, politics are a major offender with every moment filled by partisanship and pointing fingers, many people seem to use social media, such as Facebook & Twitter, as their constant personal venting diary ... why is it that the negative occurrences, the hostile actions, the pessimistic attitudes, and the unsympathetic thoughts are focused on so much more than the positive, kind, friendly ones?

If the media took even one day and focused on only the good deeds of random strangers, the daily positive actions of educators and first responders, the happy dreams realized of anyone who achieves them, instead of giving validity through sensationalism to criminals and the corrupt, what would we think throughout that day?  How might we act and react in daily situations or occurrences?  What might we be inspired to do that day?

If politicians took one week to do nothing but get face to face with those who they represent, and regardless of party affiliation or income level, sat down and truly listened to what's occurring and what's needed in those areas by the people who voted them into office, if they completely ignored party lines or anything driven by monetary gain and simply talked with their constituents and each other, how much would be accomplished?  No campaigning, no promises, just listening and honest conversation.  Would better goals be set that would be more reflective of what's actually needed in our communities?  Would the intention to follow through with those goals be more concrete and the results of those intentions be more effective due to the open, honest communication that only focused on the needs of those represented, and not partisanship or finger pointing?

If everyone who uses social media of any form made a pact to only post positive thoughts, happy occurrences, and non-judgmental opinions for even a day or two, what would we learn about those around us?  What attributes might we glean about others that we'd never realized before?  Would it inspire us?  Make us laugh?  Allow us to feel a bit of happiness with regards to the good fortune of someone else?

The thing about it is this, most of us tend to focus so constantly on that which is wrong, or stressful, or irritating, or depressing, that we can't see, and many times forget, that around us which is Good.  The moment of calming silence after a long tiring day, the sheerly happy smile of a baby or small child, the stranger that immediately assists with picking up the papers someone accidentally dropped, or the phone call from a friend that occurs at the exact moment you needed a friendly voice.  The hug from someone who loves you, the frenzied thrilled greeting from a pet upon your arrival home, the beautiful flower that somehow grew in a not beautiful place, or the feel of your favorite fuzzy blanket wrapped around you on a chilly day.  Happy conversations with friends, a compliment from a coworker, a gesture of goodwill given without thought of returning the favor.  These are the things that our days are made up of.  Even in the middle of stressful situations surrounding work, or school, or homelife, these things exist.  If we focused mainly on them, as opposed to that which upsets or brings us down, would our relationships change?  Would our outlooks and attitudes change?  What about our communities as a whole?

Just thoughts.  It may sound a bit Utopian, but as I sit here this morning, with sleet coming down outside & my entire day annoyingly rerouted and rearranged due to the weather, I think that I shall focus on the fact that the cinnamon spice coffee I'm brewing makes my place smell yummy, and there's a list of things I've been procrastinating about that I can now get done instead of having to rush out, and that an evening snuggled in front of the fireplace watching movies that make me laugh is a splendid thing to look forward to.  Life.  It really can be so much happier if we simply do a bit of adjusting from concentrating on the negative moments, to focusing on the positive ones.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

And the Light Shines Brighter

Girl In The LBD (@GirlInTheLBD) tweeted at 10:55 AM on Sun, Jan 20, 2013: Sometimes that which you let go comes knocking again. The ability to walk away w/o opening the door shows the most positive strength of all. (https://twitter.com/GirlInTheLBD/status/293023943550443520)

I tweeted the above this morning. I won't say what brought on the epiphany, but I will say that it applies to so many areas of life.  From things as simple as a really unfortunate choice in clothing that you donate but then see again while shopping, to career choices that made you miserable before but beckon again, to bad habits that caused you ill health or misfortune, to friends or significant others that brought more grief & pain into your life than happiness. The decision made to walk away the first time is never easy, & following through takes a measure of strength, fortitude, & self-preservation that you may not even realize is within you at the time.  To have that which you let go of resurface again can bring moments of doubt & internal questioning that can cause you to rethink the previous decision. To question your motives for it. To reweigh the pros & cons of it. "Maybe I was hasty," or "Maybe I didn't think everything through," or "Maybe I should open the proverbial door just a crack to see....".

Strength.  Fortitude.  Self-Preservation.  Such simple premises that can be so difficult to adhere to.  However, finding them within yourself to stick to your guns, for whatever your reason, is a sign of the greatest strength, fortitude, & self-preservation of all..... Self-Respect.  Easy to say, difficult to find, at times, even harder to stick with. When you do, though, that bright light shining toward you of positive choices in a new, hard-won happy life, gets a lot bigger & brighter than you ever imagined it could in the space of a simple moment.  Stick to your guns, & bask in the sunshine!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress