A Life Worth Living

I know it's been a long time since I posted, and for that I apologize. Life has been, well, Life. Today's events, however, caused me to sit back and contemplate.

I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my childhood friends today. She was a beautiful, amazing woman who brightened the life of anyone she met. She did so right up until the end of her very brief, but truly courageous battle with cancer. Being at that service, and reconnecting with, if only for a moment, all the friends that I cherished so greatly growing up caused me to ponder the true shortness of life. Why does it take a tragedy to bring people out of the daily requirements of our existence to come together?

As a kid, there was a sense of infallibility. We all had it. Our friends, our family, and those who surrounded us would, in our minds, be there for eternity. As we grew into adults, daily life took over. Always a chore, always a preconceived need, always someone or something that required our immediate attention. The days of carefree attention to the moment at hand left by the wayside. My point, is that really the best way to live? Is something like a work deadline, or a household chore really more important than taking active part in our children's & family's lives or taking a few moments to lend an ear to someone we love? Why do we make the mundane tasks of everyday the precedent takers, as opposed to the moments and memories that become so much more long term important when those that we love are no longer there?

The lessons of today, for me anyways, are this ... take time, even if only for a moment each day, to notice the sunshine peeking through the rain clouds. To pay attention to that person who may need a hand. To applaud the small glimpses of brilliance your child has daily. To hug a friend. To really kiss & say loving words to your significant other. To truly listen with both ears regardless of the situation. To simply take a second to breathe deeply and be present and involved with not just your own world, but the world of those you hold dear in your life.

We only get one shot at this go round. Make it count. If we close our eyes and hearts too long, it just might pass us by.

Hugs & love to all
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Moments and Memories

I created our holiday card today. Going back through a year's worth of photos to find the perfect ones to use is always a fun pastime. The memories run the gamut for everything that occurred over the past year. Yet, looking at all those photos got me thinking, even though we document these moments in our lives, are we really present while they're occurring, or are we too busy documenting to completely enjoy each moment?

You may be wondering what I mean by the word "present". Obviously, if you're in the, photo you were physically there. The "present" I'm referring to, however, is the mental state of ignoring all other areas (like texts or Facebook or even phone calls) and being completely and totally focused on the here and now of what's happening immediately in front of you. In this day and age of push notifications and automatic updates, how often do we do that? How often do we completely give ourselves over to nothing but the moment that we're in and those that are physically there with us? How many priceless moments do we lose by not being completely present?

I know that there have been times where I'm more focused on documentation and uploading to social media than I am on what's happening in front of me. We are all probably guilty of that in some form. But as I look back over those photos, I regret it. Don't get me wrong, I love having the photographic memories, but the moments themselves are so much more important.

As we enter this holiday season, with all of its moments and memories, we should absolutely remember that even though the documentation is wonderful, the moments that we experience with those we love and appreciate are infinitely more important to completely experience while we're in them. Life and its precious minutes are something that shouldn't be taken for granted or ignored. In any situation.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Intentions vs. Actions ... The Chicken or The Egg?

Intentions versus actions.  Both can be misconstrued or completely appreciated.  Both can be understood or misunderstood.  Both can be positive or negative.  Both have the power to lift others up into a happier place, or to bring others down into the depths of despair.  Is one more important than the other?

Our intentions tend to drive our actions.  What happens when the intentions don't match the actions in the eyes of others?  Does that mean that our intentions were impure?  The intention to create a surprise for someone we love that will make them happy after a tough day, but the action brings up unknown, unhappy memories from their past that only makes things worse ... the intention to help a friend, but the action causes unintentional grief ... the intention to guide a child in a positive direction, but the action causes them confusion and hurt in the aftermath.  What about the other side?  When someone intends to be hurtful or crass or just plain mean, but the actions only cause laughter and ego-bruising for the person intending to be hurtful ... what happens to intention versus action then?

It's almost a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" question.  The old adage is "actions speak louder than words", but what happens when the actions create an unintended result in either direction?  Should we place more importance on the intention with which the action was undertaken, or the resulting action regardless of the intention?  My personal opinion is that communication to understand the origin of the action is crucial.  It's understandable to feel hurt by an action, but that hurt can be assuaged, or at the least, lessened, by realizing and understanding the intention.  No one is perfect, so what seems to be a plausible action or reaction to one person, might seem unrealistic or inappropriate to another.  All relationships, from co-workers to friends to significant others to life partners, benefit from attempting to understand the intention behind another's actions.  Taking that minute or two to hear someone out instead of jumping to a possibly incorrect conclusion is a key component in any relationship.  I truly believe that.  We may not always understand each other immediately, but our relationships can ultimately stand the test of time with just a little open-mindedness and curiosity of understanding.

I suppose my point is that the intention can definitely be more important than the action taken.  If the intention was pure and positive, then to me, any unintentional, negative results from the actions are ultimately completely forgivable.  If the intentions were mean and horrid, then any unintentional positive results from the actions are ultimately a happy surprise.  Intentions versus Actions ... I don't know if one is truly more powerful than the other, but I'd rather focus on the intent.  To me, it seems an infinitely more important, more telling focus.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

To The Man Who Stole My Wallet Yesterday

Dear Sir:

Please understand that the only reason I use the gentlemanly term of "sir", is because of your advanced age bracket, because what you did was not at at gentlemanly!  Yes, I do know what you look like. I remember you. You got onto the bus yesterday at the same place I did. I remember you sat down a couple rows behind me, and your beard and countenance reminded me of some sweet, grandfatherly figure ... or at least I thought so at the time. I wonder if you watched as I reached into the pocket of my bag to pull out my gloves just before my stop. I wonder if you saw my wallet fall out of that pocket as I did so, or if you simply noticed it as I stood up to disembark. I was the only person in that seat section, so it would have been obvious to whom the wallet belonged.

Did you know that I was on the way to meet my son? Five minutes after disembarking, as I walked into his music class to pay his tuition, I noticed that it was missing. Did you realize that the android phone you so unceremoniously chucked into that trashcan has GPS tracking? We were able to find it that way. Thank you, by the way, for simply throwing it in the trash. That's one less thing I have to replace.

You are actually quite photogenic. The video surveillance cameras in the store where you threw my phone away and then proceeded to rent Redbox movies using my bankcard were pointed right at you. The police have those, and some very good close up shots of you as you made your movie purchases. They were able to watch your every move. I hope those were fantastic movies. They just might cost you a lot more than you originally anticipated.

Your choice of action has caused me to contemplate many things as I go through the motions of reporting, canceling, and replacing all the parts of my life that were in that wallet. Yes, you did, in fact, have a choice. You could have alerted me to the wallet dropping or you could have turned it in to the bus driver. I have no idea of what your circumstances are. I'm sure that there is a reason you made the choice that you did. Maybe you've been out of work for some time, or maybe you were depressed, needed a relaxing movie evening, and felt that was the only way you could afford one. Whatever your reason, I am sure you thought it to be a valid one at the time. Unfortunate and misguided, but valid in your mind nonetheless ... it sucks for you that the only cash I had in there was about 35 cents.

I'd like to let you know a little about the woman you stole from. I am a single mother that is back in college after being laid off from my job over a year ago. I'm definitely a people person, and probably would have rented you those movies myself had you only asked politely. I tend to be impulsive and impatient at times, so this experience has been a great lesson in patience development for me, which is a good thing. It has also helped me with prioritizing skills over the past 24 hours. You see, in the middle of all the obvious things that were happening like freaking out over the loss of my wallet and phone, filing the report, canceling the id's and cards, and spending time with my son, I also had a number of things due for classes today and tomorrow. It really helps to know that I have the ability to navigate a whirlwind of stress, such as the one you created, and still am able to meet my school deadlines and focus on and assist my children. I appreciate the gift of that knowledge. Finally, it has caused me to truly evaluate and appreciate the things in my life that are not just "things". My mother, my boyfriend, and my son, who braved the freezing temperatures in that parking lot for over two hours while we worked with the police and assisted in any way possible with the legwork and computer tracking. The off duty officer who initially assisted me, then continued to work with us and the on duty officer who arrived shortly after to officially handle the case. Both of them were wonderful, intelligent,  efficient, and comforting, and we all even shared a few laughs in spite of the cold and frustration. The immediate helpfulness of the store management once they were informed of the situation. The fact that I am fortunate enough to have a thick, warm jacket to wear, a supportive, loving family to back me up, a warm, comfortable home to return to and eat hot soup after being in a frozen parking lot for all that time ... It is definitely the little things that are many times taken for granted that make life wonderful, and I am thankful your actions were able to remind me of that.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the unintentional lessons and wish good luck to you. I firmly believe that there is good somewhere in everyone and that even the most horrible experiences have silver linings somewhere.  I hope you read this and that you'll make better choices for your own life in the future.

Sincerely,
The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Second Chances

Second chances.  Why are these such a gray area for so many?  People change, and grow, and evolve into what is hopefully the best version of themselves that they can be. Should we forever continue to pass judgement based upon someone's past?

As I watched the Superbowl last night, I noticed that many people were posting on Facebook and Twitter that their reason for rooting against Baltimore was Ray Lewis' murder charge from a decade ago. There were just as many rooting for Baltimore because of his retirement. If someone is legally accused of something, but is acquitted or charges are dropped, or even if they're convicted & ultimately pay their debt & make amends, should we continue to judge them based upon that bad decision in their life? What if they've made the effort to change? What if they've learned valuable lessons and applied those lessons in their life? If they have made a true honest attempt to become a better person, should we continue to equate them with their past transgressions?

People give forgiveness for things large & small throughout their daily lives. Hurts of all forms, emotional, theoretical, & physical, are forgiven by those who have been injured every day. Parents forgive the child who shattered their most expensive vase, spouses forgive their partners for making mean hurtful comments in anger, neighbors forgive their neighbor for breaking something that was borrowed. The example of Ray Lewis is a larger, more global example, but the theory applies across the board on both personal and societal levels. If positive efforts are made, who is any one of us to forever judge?

"Too err is human, to forgive is divine"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Musings From The Outside Looking In

Just read the most amazing book, "The Celestine Prophecy".  I love fiction that has enough truth in it that it makes you think, question, and reassess. This book did exactly that.

Life has so much constant competition in it. There's the obvious, like sports, and politics, and careers.  Then there's the not so obvious.  Relationships of every kind have their own forms of competition. The child that wants to create their own identity separate from their parents, and the parents that want to mold the child's future in the way they believe is best. The friends that secretly try to ensure they have the prettiest hair or the most fabulous outfit, while outwardly complimenting their counterparts.  The constant push for being heard and understood in a relationship, or simply the battle against unseen outside influences just to keep that relationship alive.  So many of these "competitions" leave us feeling drained, exhausted, and stressed, instead of the happy, fulfilled exuberance that we all ultimately would want out of life.  Why do we tend to push so hard, when those battles create feelings of the exact opposite nature than what we want?

Imagine what life would be like, how our relationships with others would be like, if we focused on empowering everyone around us.  If we strove to listen with both our ears and our eyes to truly comprehend the honest needs of all situations, and then followed through with our actions to compliment that comprehension. How might we act differently, or react differently in basic everyday situations?  Would our relationships with family, with friends, with coworkers, even with passing strangers, become calmer & more positive or productive?  If absolutely everyone operated that way, wouldn't everyone become stronger, feel better, be more empowered on all levels?

I do not subscribe to the idea of a Utopian society, nor do I think that the world is not made better without a variety of opinions and different ways of doing things.  It would be an excruciatingly boring existence if everyone thought and acted the exact same as everyone else.  But if there were less focus on judging, on rooting out the negative, on how "I'm right, so you must be wrong" ..... wouldn't basic daily life be ultimately easier, ultimately better for everyone, regardless of race, creed, or religion?  Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress