The Awe of Glittering Snow

It snowed all over North Carolina in December this year. Not just flurries and a bit of sugar dusting on the grassy areas, but real, actual snow accumulation. Not the norm in this area of the U.S. This impromptu storm (named Diego ... when did snowstorms start getting names?!) brought about government and school closings, treacherous roadways, and power outages. It also brought about community bonding, random assistance from neighbors and strangers, and the pure joyfulness of children's laughter ringing through the air as they took part in winter activities that normally never have a chance of occurring in the south. Positive light born from what could be viewed as catastrophe.

No matter where you live, there is something completely magical about watching snow fall. Its incredible asymmetry is breathtaking. There's a majestic quiet that's completely inspiring as millions of snowflakes drift to the ground and cover every inch in a chilly, sparkling white cloud. What before was browns and greens, with areas of dirt or litter, instantly becomes a purified vision of beauty. Eventually though, temperatures rise and the glittering snow begins to melt away. Slowly the blades of grass and areas of dirt and concrete begin to show through the purification of white. Eventually, no trace of the pristine gorgeousness remains, save our photos and memories.

Politics and humanity are similar in this phenomenon. A crisis, a catastrophe, a hardcore event occurs and the positive side of humanity is brought out. Communities worldwide bond, strangers assist those in need, and even children rejoice and take part in the positive that is born from the negative. Eventually though, recognition of the issue dies down, neighbors and strangers go back to their own sequestered lives and again turn a blind eye to injustices that occur daily, and the sense of hope and humanity that thrived during the the crisis begins to subside. But does it have to?

Just like those last sugar dustings of snow that refuse to melt away, so should our hopes, senses of empathy, and gifts of giving wholeheartedly to those who need our help. Just because the blinding, adrenaline-laced sparkle of catastrophic need eventually melts away doesn't mean that the requirement is not still there. That litter on the ground, like the needs of humanity, that was hidden by the previous glittering blanket of snow still needs to be cleaned up, to be assisted in becoming the epitome of quiet beauty and peace that only previously existed under a glittering blanket of snowflakes.

Maybe we could all strive to hang on to those charitable, giving ideals year-round. Not just during this, the season of giving, but throughout every season. Just like those final little patches of snow that refuse to melt, we too have the ability to create a glittering world of quiet beauty in someone else's life, if only we make sure those magic qualities of empathy and giving stay alive all year long.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Survivor's Take on Marsy's Law

Politics are a messy business.  This country was founded on the rights of all citizens to be heard, and to be considered equal.  It was also founded on the premise that anyone accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty.  That's easier said than done.  There is always doubt.  There are always multiple sides to every story, and in that same vein, each side honestly believes that they are correct in their recollection of the incident.  But what about when there is undeniable proof of a crime?  What happens when the accusations are over, and the hearings, or the trial, are over?  What happens when the restraining orders expire and there are no longer legalities rolling through their governmental red tape processes?  Are the victims of said crime magically healed?  Is the accused suddenly reformed?  Do the rights of one side take precedence over the other?

A few years ago, I unwillingly became a survivor of domestic violence. This is not something that I have shared previously with all of you.  Partially because I am not a person to air personal issues publicly, partially because I was scared of him and did not want the backlash, and partially because no one wants to admit that some proverbial ogre got the better of them.  No. More.  I did not get insanely beaten up, but I was threatened, badgered, verbally battered, bruised, and verbally abused.  My home was trashed and physically shattered, my children and pets were endangered, and I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from the ordeal.  I lost my confidence, my courage, and my trust in humanity.  Throughout the initial court process a group called Safe Alliance was my lifeline.  They walked me through every point of the process, got me a qualified lawyer to represent and fight for me when I could not, and gave me hugs when I was too terrified of the world to walk out into it.  But they could only go so far.  When my abuser was released from psychiatric commitment, I was not notified by the hospital nor the authorities, I was told by a close friend of his that was concerned for my safety.  After my abuser continually violated the restraining orders I had against him, and months later was jailed for similar crimes against others, I was not notified of his release, nor of the fact that he had reentered the area.  I was notified that he was working in an area nearby by another concerned friend of his, never by law enforcement or the district attorney, as the current law states should occur.  This man ultimately put my children at risk with his violent behavior and threats, and created a hell on earth life for me where I was so terrified of him that I blamed myself for the violence, cowered in fear in my own home, and felt it necessary to push large furniture against the doors nightly for months, until I moved residences without a forwarding address.  Even though there are still, to this day, warrants out for his arrest because of his multiple restraining order violations, the restraining order extension has expired. I worry every time I walk outside and am in constant stress about my children being away from home.  It's no way to live, truly actually Live life.

Marsy's Law is a constitutional amendment on the ballot this election.  Essentially it strengthens protection for victims of crime.  From requiring notification of hearings, escape, parole, and release, to allowing victims to appear at hearings and speak at such, it's a step in the right direction for victims' rights ... IF it's enforced.  Currently, the law in North Carolina states that notification is required "as soon as is practicable, but within 72 hours after identifying a victim covered by this Article, with ...".  It goes on to list available medical services, crime victims' compensation, address and phone number of the district attorney, and access to applicable law enforcement that should be given to the victim involved.  Seeing as my abuser managed to begin violating the initial emergency restraining order within 24 to 36 hours, and even though I called 911 and had all my paperwork, he ran away before they could arrest him, and the police didn't feel it was worth the effort to chase him down, the 72 hour thing appears to be a useless venture.  Furthermore, while the domestic violence team of my local law enforcement agency did do a great job of contacting me on a weekly basis for the first 6 to 8 months after the hearing, no one ever alerted me to his movements or release from any psychiatric or correctional facility.  In dealing with the healing process involved for not just myself, but also my family, those "heads up" moments would have been extraordinarily helpful.  Instead we, as a family, suffered emotional setbacks and continued worry and constant fear due in part to a lack of communication by the authorities and judicial system.  I would hope that my experience would not be the case for victims of felonious violent crime, as domestic violence is only considered a 'misdemeanor',  But, isn't any violent crime against another human being worth preventing and protecting, regardless of what 'label' the law puts upon it?

I know that there are those out there that will argue that once people serve their time, they should not have to endure a life sentence of judicial recrimination.  The ACLU is actually one of the groups lobbying against this Amendment. While I agree with many tenants of what the ACLU stands for, as a survivor of domestic violence who felt failed by the supposed protections of the law during my ordeal, I have a real problem with how our current laws actually follow through on violent crime cases.  I made the mistake of trusting my attacker for years before he brutally betrayed that trust, and still have trouble not startling when I hear noises while walking, or instinctively flinching when I'm not expecting the passing touch of someone nearby.  I cannot imagine what those who endure random violent crime experiences must be facing on a societal trust basis daily!  This Amendment can do wonderful things for those of us that have triumphed over the violent behavior of others, but Only if it is Actually and Consistently Enforced.

I implore law enforcement to take victims' rights seriously, and to actively attempt to enforce what the law already says.  In the hope that Marsy's Law is passed, I beg both law enforcement and the district attorney's offices to adhere to All Notification Stipulations Without Fail.  I know what acquiring post traumatic stress disorder in, what should be the safety of, your own home is like ... I can't imagine the hell that survivors of violent crime in random situations go through daily.

If nothing else spurs you on, then allow this blog to do so.  Get Out There And Vote.  Make your voice heard, and, vote your conscience for this Amendment.  Allow your voice to do for others what violent offenders strip their ability to do for themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

For more information on Marsy's Law:
https://marsyslaw.us

For more information on Safe Alliance:
https://safealliance.org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org

A Life Worth Living

I know it's been a long time since I posted, and for that I apologize. Life has been, well, Life. Today's events, however, caused me to sit back and contemplate.

I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my childhood friends today. She was a beautiful, amazing woman who brightened the life of anyone she met. She did so right up until the end of her very brief, but truly courageous battle with cancer. Being at that service, and reconnecting with, if only for a moment, all the friends that I cherished so greatly growing up caused me to ponder the true shortness of life. Why does it take a tragedy to bring people out of the daily requirements of our existence to come together?

As a kid, there was a sense of infallibility. We all had it. Our friends, our family, and those who surrounded us would, in our minds, be there for eternity. As we grew into adults, daily life took over. Always a chore, always a preconceived need, always someone or something that required our immediate attention. The days of carefree attention to the moment at hand left by the wayside. My point, is that really the best way to live? Is something like a work deadline, or a household chore really more important than taking active part in our children's & family's lives or taking a few moments to lend an ear to someone we love? Why do we make the mundane tasks of everyday the precedent takers, as opposed to the moments and memories that become so much more long term important when those that we love are no longer there?

The lessons of today, for me anyways, are this ... take time, even if only for a moment each day, to notice the sunshine peeking through the rain clouds. To pay attention to that person who may need a hand. To applaud the small glimpses of brilliance your child has daily. To hug a friend. To really kiss & say loving words to your significant other. To truly listen with both ears regardless of the situation. To simply take a second to breathe deeply and be present and involved with not just your own world, but the world of those you hold dear in your life.

We only get one shot at this go round. Make it count. If we close our eyes and hearts too long, it just might pass us by.

Hugs & love to all
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

What Would You Take?

In the movie "Leap Year", the question is asked, "If your house caught on fire and you only had 10 seconds to grab what's most important to you and get out safely, what would you take?" Think about it. What would you take? In this world that we live in, where possessions sometimes seem to be our most important assets, what would you grab in those 10 seconds? If your brain starts to sift through photos, memorabilia, and heirloom baubles, stop and ponder .... why is your first thought not living creatures? Have we as a society become so attached to what can be purchased, that we've lost track of the importance of humankind? Is the possession of "things" really that important?

No matter what the item, whether it's technology, favorite photos, books, or furniture, a handed-down heirloom, or one-of-a-kind memorabilia, it is, at base level, a Thing. A possession. An inanimate object that could ultimately be bought in some form. While we may have emotional attachments to some of these objects, they are still, in fact, objects that will reside in our memories whether they are next to us or not. Why do we put so much stock into these possessions that our mind would go to those things first in a "grab and get out" situation? At what point did we, as a society, become so brainwashed, that our immediate thoughts would go to saving objects first?

Life. Love. Friendship. Laughter. None of these can be a two-way relationship with an object. A shoulder to lean on. An ear to listen to your worries and triumphs. A source of pride in another's achievements. None of these happen with an inanimate object either. All of these only exist with living, breathing, people. Family, friends, pets (they're family too!) .... shouldn't they be first on the "grab list"?

For me personally, my two children, the love of my life, and our dog & cat are the first and foremost to save. Yes, there are objects in our home that hold a special place in my heart, but they're just objects that can be replaced in some way ..... to me, the living creatures cannot.

Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

What You Have (but may not see) Might Be All That You Need

Life is generally a random form of crazy lately. I say this because I'm currently choreographing 2 theater shows, busting my brain with a full time school schedule, trying to be a good mom, trying to be a good girlfriend to the love of my life that I live with, actively fighting my ex over custody issues with our son, actively backing my sweetheart on his own issues with an ex .... with all of that, sometimes it seems that the diagnosed schizophrenics & psychotics have it easy by comparison!

Then I look around.  I have an an amazing, inspiring, creative & strong two children who love me, I have a romantic partner in my life who backs me up regardless & is never absent if a shoulder is needed, I have a close knit group of friends that are there no mattet what, & a family that supports me, even if they don't truly understand the issue.

Crazy Life, Bring It On. I do believe I can completely handle this! (and so can you .. just look for what you already have!)

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress