The Awe of Glittering Snow

It snowed all over North Carolina in December this year. Not just flurries and a bit of sugar dusting on the grassy areas, but real, actual snow accumulation. Not the norm in this area of the U.S. This impromptu storm (named Diego ... when did snowstorms start getting names?!) brought about government and school closings, treacherous roadways, and power outages. It also brought about community bonding, random assistance from neighbors and strangers, and the pure joyfulness of children's laughter ringing through the air as they took part in winter activities that normally never have a chance of occurring in the south. Positive light born from what could be viewed as catastrophe.

No matter where you live, there is something completely magical about watching snow fall. Its incredible asymmetry is breathtaking. There's a majestic quiet that's completely inspiring as millions of snowflakes drift to the ground and cover every inch in a chilly, sparkling white cloud. What before was browns and greens, with areas of dirt or litter, instantly becomes a purified vision of beauty. Eventually though, temperatures rise and the glittering snow begins to melt away. Slowly the blades of grass and areas of dirt and concrete begin to show through the purification of white. Eventually, no trace of the pristine gorgeousness remains, save our photos and memories.

Politics and humanity are similar in this phenomenon. A crisis, a catastrophe, a hardcore event occurs and the positive side of humanity is brought out. Communities worldwide bond, strangers assist those in need, and even children rejoice and take part in the positive that is born from the negative. Eventually though, recognition of the issue dies down, neighbors and strangers go back to their own sequestered lives and again turn a blind eye to injustices that occur daily, and the sense of hope and humanity that thrived during the the crisis begins to subside. But does it have to?

Just like those last sugar dustings of snow that refuse to melt away, so should our hopes, senses of empathy, and gifts of giving wholeheartedly to those who need our help. Just because the blinding, adrenaline-laced sparkle of catastrophic need eventually melts away doesn't mean that the requirement is not still there. That litter on the ground, like the needs of humanity, that was hidden by the previous glittering blanket of snow still needs to be cleaned up, to be assisted in becoming the epitome of quiet beauty and peace that only previously existed under a glittering blanket of snowflakes.

Maybe we could all strive to hang on to those charitable, giving ideals year-round. Not just during this, the season of giving, but throughout every season. Just like those final little patches of snow that refuse to melt, we too have the ability to create a glittering world of quiet beauty in someone else's life, if only we make sure those magic qualities of empathy and giving stay alive all year long.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Good News - Why Isn't It a Viral Trend?

Watching the news these days is depressing and terrifying.  There seems to be nothing but cases of greed, episodes of violence, and stories of catastrophe.  To make it worse, every commercial break has at least 3 to 4 political ads smearing opponents by the touting of twisted versions of past evils and shortcomings.  Even the top stories in online news outlets are of corruption, mass disaster, tragedy, and financial fear.  School shootings, church shootings, bullying, and socioeconomic discourse take center stage daily.  Yet, if you take time to look beyond the reported facade of despair, there are still tales of human kindness, moments of empathy and caring, and points of hope and positive action overcoming those of adversity and strife.

In an age where political parties are pitted against each other, religious sects espouse hate as a tenet, and special interest groups actively promote corporate greed over the welfare of humanity, the thought of something uplifting occurring can almost seem like a pipe dream.  As I began researching statistics for, what I originally intended to be a blog about gun violence in the aftermath of yet another school shooting, I realized that focusing on common threads, what brings us together as a society, was far less well known than a tired tirade of facts and statistics that seemingly change depending upon who publishes them.  So here it is.  My Top 3 List - News That Should Go Viral But Hasn't.

3.  The online outlet of NBC News reported back in June of 2016 about the Muslim group CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) that had launched a massive fundraising campaign to support the victims and families of the Pulse LGBTQ Nightclub shooting in Orlando, Florida.  Hasan Shibly, CAIR-Florida executive director was quoted, in response to the shooting, saying, "In this holy month of Ramadan many Muslims will be offering their fasting and prayers for them and their families. The vile criminal who perpetrated this does not represent Islam nor the American Muslim community. Muhammad Ali and his legacy do represent our goals and aspirations to better our society and the World; but not this repulsive thug."  (https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/muslims-organizations-raise-funds-victims-orlando-massacre-n593586)  The group's efforts resulted in over $102,000 being raised for the cause, according to the launchgood.com website.

Fast forward to 2018.  In the wake of yet another hate driven mass shooting tragedy, this time at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the Muslim-American group CelebrateMercy immediately stepped up and began offering support and raising funds to, in their words, "respond to evil with good".  Wasi Mohamed, the executive director of the Pittsburgh Islamic Center was even quoted as saying in a news conference, "We just want to know what you need. If it's people outside your next service protecting you, we'll be there." (https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/muslim-americans-raise-more-120-000-pittsburgh-synagogue-shooting-survivors-n925796)  

According to much of the news across the world, Islam is misrepresented as being run by terror sects that prey on the innocent and promote violence in the name of religion.  These Muslim-American groups prove that that premise is simply not true.  Islam is actually a peaceful religion that is based upon the tenets of faith, prayer, fasting, monotheistic belief, and charity.  Sounds a lot like the basic principles of Christianity or Judaism, right?  It just goes to show that there are far more similarities than differences when it comes to religions, and, just because there are right-wing sects of extremist nut jobs that identify themselves within a religion (every religion has them!), they absolutely do not represent the vast majority of that belief system as a whole.  All in all, the consistent show of religious solidarity by a religious group that many people misunderstand and needlessly fear, is a shining light of hope in the darkness of divisiveness. 

2. A local South Carolina ABC News outlet recently reported on a biker group that's touring US schools to promote anti-bullying and acceptance.  Many of us, thanks to shows like Sons of Anarchy, Outlaw Bikers, and Gangland, automatically stereotype anyone that affiliates themselves with a motorcycle group as a rough, scary, bullying brute.  This group, Bikers Against Bullies USA, is a non-profit who's mission statement promotes "creating awareness and educating both children and adults on the benefits of living in a society of respect for each other".   Their fundraising efforts are funneled 100% to causes, and they support everything from children's hospitals, to school and after-school initiatives, to the Special Olympics.  Not exactly an example of the aforementioned stereotype.  Flash, one of the group's founders, is quoted on the BAB website as saying, "The very real fact is that children, our children, are dying by their own hands each week due to the insidious nature of the psychological and emotional trauma created by today’s bullying attempts. Our personal philosophy one dead child is simply too many."  In the wake of seemingly constant school gun violence events, that, according to a February 2018 article in USA Today, are occurring at an average rate of 1 per week for non-fatality incidents ,(https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/02/19/parkland-school-shootings-not-new-normal-despite-statistics-stretching-truth-fox-column/349380002/) and, the fact that, according to the awareness group DoSomething.org, 71% of US students report incidents of bullying as a problem, it is truly refreshing to see a group that some incorrectly view as fringe or questionable, actively taking steps to change children's worlds for the better in the area of bullying.  We can only hope that the next hit biker show will have more accurate story lines that portray the biker community as beacons of positive change and forces of charity and goodwill.

1. Try Google searching the phrase 'teaching empathy'.  You'll get a myriad of results; including law enforcement training post officer-involved shootings, many opinion articles, various parenting and education blogs, and a book perspective from the Washington Post on boys vs girls reading habits. The common thread here is that as parents, educators, mentors, and as a society as a whole, the act of teaching empathy and compassion is a crucial part of learning at every age.  Empathy and compassion beget kindness, fairness, charitable actions, and unification across dividing lines.  The lack of these two traits creates discourse, misunderstanding, self-righteous rhetoric, and unnecessary anger.  The Dalai Lama was recently quoted in an article in Entrepreneur, "Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life." (https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/321461)  How true!  What would the world look like if everyone took a step back to contemplate the ramifications of their tweets before posting them, of their actions before committing them, and their words before saying them?  Would there still be episodes of war, violence, and greed?  Probably.  But those incidents would more likely be the anomalies, not the norms. What if the major hashtag and news trends were about compassionate acts and stories of goodwill instead of corruption, crime, and dissonance?  Would the earth be more peaceful and undivided as a whole?   

My point is this, if we as a society don't consistently act as proponents of empathy and compassion, how will generations to come ever learn it, use it, or even acknowledge it?  If there was ever a trend that needs to 'go viral', this is it.  Empathy and Compassion are the defining points for overcoming stereotypes, erasing hatred born of misinformation and misunderstanding, and stopping bullying. They're even, in many ways, a component of controlling gun violence, repairing political corruption, and combating corporate greed.  It's not a Pollyanna type thing, it is a real and immediate need, both in the US and worldwide, and it starts with each of us.  As Benjamin Franklin once said, "If we do not hang together, we will surely hang separately." Let's, as a society, start focusing on the goodwill and healing, and quit shortening each other's proverbial ropes.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Any Unsilenced Voice

Its been a long time since I've posted, and for that I apologize. You see, I allowed others to silence my voice. This is not anyone's fault but my own. While going through the healing process from a violent breakup of an abusive relationship, I acquiesced to requests that, I'm sure, were for my safety at the time. I love and respect those voices, but the national situation at hand is a ripple effect that should no longer, and Never be held silent.

As a parent, I cannot pretend to know what the surviving parents and families of school shootings are going through. Nor do I want to. However, this type of tragedy is, unfortunately, becoming a harsh, terrifying reality on a daily basis. You only have to turn on the news, and the vast majority of information revolves around someone getting shot, or murdered, or killing themselves and others in places that we all once thought of as safe havens. I watched the #ListeningSession with President Trump on YouTube tonight.  Tears rolled down my face as I listened to the parents and kids speak.  As I listened I realized that, while I was ensconced in my own little world of issues, these teenagers who had firsthand experienced terrifying tragedy beyond comprehension were able to get out of bed and spur on an entire nation to change the world ... who was I to cowardly sit silent in fear?!  No. More.

When My generation was in middle and high school (yep, I'm going to date myself here), the biggest worry was brass knuckles and fights with that kind of thing after school.  We did have suicides, but the vast majority of them were not due to guns.  Now, in this age of 3D printers that can produce firearms, where does the "line in the sand" that protects our kids, and the innocent in general, lie??? I wholeheartedly agree with one of the Sandy Hook moms that spoke at the listening session with the President  .. "How many more deaths can we take as a country?? How many more times must this happen again??" Is the answer in x-ray machines and metal detectors that turn every institute of learning into a Homeland Security guarded zone?  Is it in educating the population in mental wellness, and creating a society that does not view mental illness such as depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia as taboo incurable subjects?  Is it in honest, non-political discussion and implementation of adjustments to gun rights laws that respect the 2nd Amendment, but police and deter those who do not have the empathetic capability for humanity, and/or are not old enough to completely grasp the consequences of using guns responsibly?  In my mind, all of these are viable reasons to revisit the gun laws, to amend the 2nd amendment, and to go all the way to the Supreme Court and demand that Nationally Something Must Change so that the innocent in our population are safe on a daily basis!

One of the Sandy Hook fathers who pioneered the non-profit group Rachel's Challenge commented during the session, "If we focus too much on diversity, we create division, and if we focus too much on unity, we create compromise.  However, if we focus on Relatedness, and how we can relate with one another, we can celebrate diversity and we can see the unity take place.  The focus needs to be on how we connect."  When it comes to mental wellness I can only agree completely. The lack of knowledge and understanding by the general population of anything that falls under the heading of "mental illness" or any other stigma that is not considered "normal" in our society is abysmal.  This needs to change.  Regardless, anyone who attempts to end their life, or puts live wishes to do so on social media, at the very least, should not be legally allowed to own or utilize a firearm of any kind, much less an assault weapon.  Quite honestly, I cannot image why the NRA would not back a platform of this nature.  No one is saying not to own a gun.  They are simply saying that those who are mentally unstable and more likely to cause harm to themselves or others should not be able to purchase one. The NRA has always put forth the mantra that it is people that kill people, not the gun  ....  in that vein of belief I can only assume that they would Fully back an amendment that is not a rights violation, but a safeguard for those who need safety! Suicide is currently the number 2 killer of our kids in the USA.  Knowledge is definitely prevention.

To my way of thinking, all of this is a ripple effect.  The #MeToo movement was due to forms of abuse that grew to refuse to be silent.  Abuse takes many forms, including violent ones, in every area of all our lives.  From school shootings, to adolescent and teen suicide, to domestic violence (of which I know too well), to drive by shootings of innocent bystanders, a change in all gun laws to protect the innocent and derail the ability of those not worthy or capable of respecting the weapon is crucial!  Changes in background checks & age limitations, changes in state laws, awareness, and, not just responsibility but Accountability, all are key in proactively creating a world where this type of tragedy Never Happens Again. 

#PresidentTrump, you campaigned on "Make America Great Again" ... here's your chance.  Proactively do it!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

#parklandstudentsspeak  #enoughisenough  #itsnotaboutpolitics  #studentsstandup #stoptheviolence

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

In The Aftermath of Beloved Loss ... What Can We Learn?

Robin Williams died today.  Not via some physically degenerating disease, or by someone else's hand, his demise was to succumb to suicide after a long, difficult battle with depression.  The ripple effect created by anyone's suicide is enormous and debilitating for those left behind in its wake.  No tidal wave or tsunami on this planet can wreak the level of havoc that is felt emotionally by those affected, especially the ones closest to the suicide victim.  

Yes, victim.  I use the word victim because even though the person may have taken their life by their own hand, the weeks, the days, the moments leading up to such a final decision are as excruciating and painful as any physical disease could possibly be.  We've all seen that commercial with the phrase "depression hurts", but unless you've been in the depths of despair that true, deep depression creates, you have no idea of how it affects one's mind, one's outlook, one's self-perception.  While we, as an audience, adored, appreciated, and admired Robin Williams for many years as an actor and comedian, and we, as an audience, feel deep sorrowful loss over his death, he may have never realized how far reaching our true appreciation of him and his craft continued to be.  Depression is a disease that plays horrible tricks on your psyche, and, left untreated or not properly and effectively treated, can ultimately kill you just as easily as any brain tumor.  It can cripple a person of its own accord, or in conjunction with a variety of other emotional or mental issues such as bi-polar disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, eating disorders ..... the list is endless.

I can only imagine the intense pain, grief, and moments of "what if" that his family and closest friends are experiencing right now.  I myself have been on both sides of that kind of grief and pain.  From losing close friends to suicide at a young age and dealing with the "what if" guilt, to being in the depths of depression so severe that I contemplated, and at one point actually planned, the same suicidal demise for myself.  Both sides are horrible places to be, but for those left behind, the horror is infinitely longer lasting and can affect your countenance, your emotions, and your decision processes with regards to relationships for the rest of your life.

My heart goes out to his family and friends, and I sincerely hope that they ultimately receive the counselling so integral to not allowing his death to take over the remainder of their lives.  For anyone who is contemplating the same fate, don't.  No matter how dark and filled with a black void the future seems, it truly is not.  Get help.  And if you know someone who seems to be going down that dark path of severe depression, reach out.  If I hadn't had a friend reach out to me many years ago under those same circumstances, I wouldn't be here today writing this blog you're reading!  Above all, never forget that no matter how bleak or desperate life seems at the moment, or has seemed over however long a period of time, there is always good, there are always those who care whether you realize it or not, and there is always HOPE ... no matter how far-fetched it may seem at the current moment.  

Robin Williams may have died, but don't allow his death to be a blotch on the psyche of society, allow it to raise awareness for the severity and consequences that mental illness and depression can create.  He brought joy to so many through the last few decades.  Maybe his death can raise awareness to the point that others who may not have sought help before, learn to find joy within themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Help For and Information About Depression:

• http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/help-for-depression#TreatmentFacts1
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
• http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/18/9-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/

Suicide Assistance:

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
• http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
• http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

There's No One Perfect Answer

Today a friend confided horrid news that's left her feeling broken and embarrassed and depressed. Same thing happened with another friend a few days ago, something happened that left her feeling hurt and helpless and worried. While the situations are different, the results are similar. It happens to all of us at some point. Something unfortunate or horrible happens due to the actions of others, and we're left to muddle through a myriad of terrible, self-recriminating emotions. Why do we ultimately allow others, no matter how close, to have such control over how we feel about ourselves?

I am one of the world's worst about this. I tend to turn around negative situations and blame myself immediately. I try not to, I attempt to think it through logically, reminding myself that I cannot control the actions of others, but it's just not that easy to move beyond the depression and self-hatred sometimes.

A wise person once told me that our Feelings in reaction to any situation are Never wrong. It's what we Do with those feelings, our Actions in response to them, that can be appropriate or inappropriate. I find that somehow comforting. It's okay to feel these horrible, uncomfortable emotions, but as long as we find a way to actively release them that works for us and doesn't cause additional stress to any innocent bystanders in the process, then there's no wrong way to go about it. Be it confiding in a friend who has a great shoulder to cry on, be it joining a support group or talking to a professional, be it painting, or exercise, or long walks, or rearranging the furniture in every room of the house .... there's no one correct way to release and move forward. It's whatever works for each individual.

I suppose it's all ultimately a healing process. Our feelings towards ourselves, our feelings towards those who caused our pain, how we ultimately find the strength, courage, fortitude, and forgiveness to move forward with our lives in a new direction that we might never have planned for. The point is, that we Move Forward. Some of the most beautiful things in life can eventually grow out of the muck, if we only allow them to do so.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Family ... In Every Form

Family. Amost everyone has one in some form. Be it by blood, or by marriage, or by choice, they exist in all of our lives. They're wonderful yet irking, supportive yet judging, have the ability to induce happiness yet can be completely maddening, all at the same time. It's quite the dichotomy.

I'm fortunate. I have a "blood family" that may drive me crazy upon occasion, but is ultimately truly wonderful, loving, and caring. Who may not always understand or agree, but does in fact accept me for the awkward enigma that I am. I also am lucky enough to to have a "chosen family" of friends so close that they can actually read my facial expressions and know me well enough to sense when I'm attempting to fake off negative emotions or reactions to life events.

Not everyone is as fortunate as I am. I have friends and acquaintances whose "blood family" is so different minded from them that an impass has been reached & they no longer speak or acknowledge each other. There are others whose families do not respect their family members' life choices to the point that they refuse to interact with them, unless those they disagree with develop the same mindset as those people precipitating the judging. There are some people out there with no family to speak of, that isolate themselves and attempt to navigate life on their own without physical or emotional support. Those are sad, unfortunate circumstances.

Which brings me to my point .... if we don't support those we're supposed to love or are destined to care for, how can we lead happy lives? Why is it so necessary that everyone live their life & think exactly alike? If Einstein or Monet or Edison or Gandhi had succumbed to the pressure of what everyone else thought, would the world be a better place today? Or would we stilll be living in medieval style times where the earth was considered flat and our planet was the center of the universe? Is it so farfetched to think or hope & expect that keeping an open mind, an open heart, and allowing others to be exactly who they are is a bad thing? Wasn't it one of the few major non secular, prophetic entities, who happens to be recognized by almost every major religion on this planet, that said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,"?

Family. Whether you believe in evolution or religious beginnings or a combination of the two, we are All ultimately Family. Accept. Respect. Honor. Love. Tolerate. Appreciate. You just might look back and regret it if you don't.  Just my two cents.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Love, Empathy, and Clouds

What do you do when someone you love is going through a horribly difficult time that stresses out every ounce of their being? It's actually a pretty difficult question. Being there for them ... being truly present & listening is always an option, but sometimes talking it out only makes things worse for the one that's hurting. Hugs are always good ... the kind that are warm, & caring, & completely enveloping, but once the hug is released, the pain is still there. Gifts are only a temporary smile, and activities designed to redirect their mind only work while the activity is occurring ... then their mind reverts again. It truly is a dilemma.

How do you help someone you deeply care for feel more positive when they can't find positive on their own?

I know, from personal experience, that being in the depths of despair is impossible to climb out of other than momentarily. There's no amount of frivolity, or laughter, or hugs, or sunshine that can keep the annoying little dark thunder cloud from following you about. Those things may disperse it for a short while, but ultimately it storms back up again, directly overhead. The good fortune of others, while you desperately want to feel happiness for them, only reiterates the horrid thoughts about yourself in your own mind. I think that it's actually what the British mean by the term "sticky wicket"!

I have also learned that the only way to truly bring yourself out of a horrible, ultimate funk, is to actively do something about it. I tend to paint and mosaic, as it helps me feel that I'm purposefully creating positive change out of that which was bland & negative before. Everyone is different, so each individual has to find their own niche of creating positive in their surroundings. Burying one's head may quell the pain temporarily, but actively Allowing yourself to create it out, cry it out, exercise it out, work it out, Get It Out is the only way to truly dissipate that dark cloud. Those around you who love & care can & will assist & support, but the only person with the power to make the dark cloud truly leave is the person to whom that cloud belongs.

I suppose that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how deeply you care, or how strongly you support them, the choice is ultimately theirs. You can point out the sunshine that lies beyond the clouds in every way possible, but it's up to them to push through the storm to the happiness beyond the clouds in the end.

I shall now end with a favorite Dr. Seuss quote that I hope inspires: "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind, some come from ahead, some come from behind, but I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see, Now My Troubles Are Going To Have Troubles With Me!"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Intentions vs. Actions ... The Chicken or The Egg?

Intentions versus actions.  Both can be misconstrued or completely appreciated.  Both can be understood or misunderstood.  Both can be positive or negative.  Both have the power to lift others up into a happier place, or to bring others down into the depths of despair.  Is one more important than the other?

Our intentions tend to drive our actions.  What happens when the intentions don't match the actions in the eyes of others?  Does that mean that our intentions were impure?  The intention to create a surprise for someone we love that will make them happy after a tough day, but the action brings up unknown, unhappy memories from their past that only makes things worse ... the intention to help a friend, but the action causes unintentional grief ... the intention to guide a child in a positive direction, but the action causes them confusion and hurt in the aftermath.  What about the other side?  When someone intends to be hurtful or crass or just plain mean, but the actions only cause laughter and ego-bruising for the person intending to be hurtful ... what happens to intention versus action then?

It's almost a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" question.  The old adage is "actions speak louder than words", but what happens when the actions create an unintended result in either direction?  Should we place more importance on the intention with which the action was undertaken, or the resulting action regardless of the intention?  My personal opinion is that communication to understand the origin of the action is crucial.  It's understandable to feel hurt by an action, but that hurt can be assuaged, or at the least, lessened, by realizing and understanding the intention.  No one is perfect, so what seems to be a plausible action or reaction to one person, might seem unrealistic or inappropriate to another.  All relationships, from co-workers to friends to significant others to life partners, benefit from attempting to understand the intention behind another's actions.  Taking that minute or two to hear someone out instead of jumping to a possibly incorrect conclusion is a key component in any relationship.  I truly believe that.  We may not always understand each other immediately, but our relationships can ultimately stand the test of time with just a little open-mindedness and curiosity of understanding.

I suppose my point is that the intention can definitely be more important than the action taken.  If the intention was pure and positive, then to me, any unintentional, negative results from the actions are ultimately completely forgivable.  If the intentions were mean and horrid, then any unintentional positive results from the actions are ultimately a happy surprise.  Intentions versus Actions ... I don't know if one is truly more powerful than the other, but I'd rather focus on the intent.  To me, it seems an infinitely more important, more telling focus.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Output of Fire

Fire is one of the most therapeutic, fantastic, inspiring elements on the planet (to me).  It provides warmth, light, positiveness, and burns away that which we choose to no longer hold onto.  How awesome is that?!

We sat out by our fire-pit for a couple hours tonight ... so relaxing and lovely.  There is truly something about sitting beside a live fire (not the "fake" gas enabled ones) that simply calms one's senses,  The warmth, the solidness of the logs, the disintegration of anything you happen to throw into it, the beauty of the flames and the glowing embers.  It is truly an organic beauty of an experience.

In work, in school, in family dynamics, in life, are we not similar to the embers and the flames?  There are many moments that any of us is "smoldering" ... figuring things out but not yet ready to let loose.  Then there's the "glowing". So many people "glow" in society but may not realize that they are "warming" those around them.  How unfortunate that they don't realize their worth with regards to everyone they encounter.

The loveliness of the fire and the logs, the dancing flames randomly working themselves through the barriers that might otherwise keep them from the air, which makes those flames further reaching.  How many of us are filled with "fire" to accomplish something, be it a task or job or goal, but in order to achieve that which we desire we must randomly work our way through multiple barriers?  I know it happens to me.  I also know that those dancing, frolicking, colorful flames are similar to the alternative arenas in which I tend to look for "the way through" .... is that true for anyone else?  Is how we look to find a way through situations that may challenge us or stress us indicative of our own colorful personalities?

What about the smoke that rises like ghosts out of what is being disintegrated from something like a fire-pit? What if we took the potential energy of the embers and combined it with the expending energy of the smoke ghosts?  Would it create something unworldly in our minds or imaginations?  Would any of us have the courage to act upon it?

As far as I can see, it's all subjective. Everything in this world is how one actively chooses to view things.  A rainy day can be viewed as a deterrent, or an opportunity to meander in the rain while playing like a happy child in the puddles ... a social media comment that denotes something that goes completely against everything you hold dear can be viewed as a depressant that keeps you up all night, or a challenge to be the better person that helps you look yourself in the mirror each morning ... a voice mail or text or letter that says derogatory things can either cause you to believe you're not good enough, or something that lights those embers underneath you to start a fire flame that simply burns with warmth toward humankind and refuses to put forth ghosts of smoke to blind others in its path.

Isn't it, essentially, up to each and every one of us to determine our reactions to every situation?

Simply my thoughts as I stare at the lovely, warm disintegrating embers of this fire that I enjoyed for most of the evening.  Feel free to come to your own conclusions.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Complexity of Forgive

"Forgive & Forget". Such a difficult concept for so many, both in separate parts, and as a unit together.  The words "I forgive you" can be used and truly meant, but if the action or actions that were forgiven stay in our minds, or are brought up as examples in later discussions or arguments, were they really forgiven? Is true human forgiveness possible when we can't delete the memories from our heads?  Do we, as humans, honestly have the ability to completely forgive & forget all transgressions?

I do believe, have to believe, that in many ways it is possible.  I also believe that it depends upon the person.  There are those out there with an ego that is so self-righteous, for whatever reason, that they simply do not possess this empathetic capability, are doomed to judge everyone on their own personal terms, and will never let things from the past go. I pity them.

The harshest, most difficult "forgive & forget" I have found, however, is towards ourselves. Personally, I struggle with that one, even regarding the smallest of mistakes, every day. Again, even if you "forgive" yourself, is it possible to achieve the level of "forget" to where one does not berate themselves in their mind by past comparison? Difficult personal lessons ... I hope one day to learn them fully.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Ego versus Empathy

"Everybody's got the right to be, happy. Everybody's got the right to feel free! Rich man, poor man, black or white, grab the apple, take a bite! Everybody's got the right to their dreams!"

Lyrics. I'm currently choreographing a musical theater show titled "Assassins". It's a poignant dark comedy, but those lyrics seem to hit home in so many other areas.

Why is it that some people feel it is their right to attempt to take away the rights & dreams & happiness of others?  From something global like the former Apartheid or the current Middle East jihad unrest, to something national like Gay Marriage Rights, or something more personal like nasty divorces or custody battles. In every single case, it ultimately boils down to the views & values & beliefs of one person versus that of another. While basic laws must be in place for a civilized society to exist, who is anyone of us on this planet to judge what makes another happy or what their dreams & path in life should be?  Who among those of us that walk this earth are so perfect, They should be given the right to pass that judgment? 

Civil wars throughout the world, opposing political party viewpoints, children being denied one parent simply due to the views of another ..... all of these are tragedies that occur when one human takes it upon themselves to stand on a soapbox & proclaim that their way of doing things is the only one that is correct.  It's sad.  It's egotistical.  It's just plain demented.

Last I checked, no matter what your theological beliefs or moral value systems are, the Constitution of the United States of America proclaims that All are Equal. If that truly is the case, then who is any of us to judge the thoughts, feelings, belief systems, & lifestyle choices of anyone except holding our own selves accountable?

So you're religious? Why can someone else's religious beliefs not be as equally valuable to them as yours are to you? 

So you're straight? Why can someone else's gender preferences not be as equally viable to them as yours are to you? 

So you're divorced? Well you obviously had differences of opinion to begin with or you wouldn't be divorced.  Why then must your children suffer because you personally disagree with lifestyle choices your ex is making, as long as the children are loved & cared for by both sides?

Unfortunately, thanks to the overinflated egos of many humans out there, a utopian society of true empathy, compassion, & understanding will never truly exist.  However, if my thoughts cause you to take a tiny step back & reassess what the overarching good of a possibly tumultuous situation might be the next time you encounter such a thing ...... Just saying ......

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress