The Awe of Glittering Snow

It snowed all over North Carolina in December this year. Not just flurries and a bit of sugar dusting on the grassy areas, but real, actual snow accumulation. Not the norm in this area of the U.S. This impromptu storm (named Diego ... when did snowstorms start getting names?!) brought about government and school closings, treacherous roadways, and power outages. It also brought about community bonding, random assistance from neighbors and strangers, and the pure joyfulness of children's laughter ringing through the air as they took part in winter activities that normally never have a chance of occurring in the south. Positive light born from what could be viewed as catastrophe.

No matter where you live, there is something completely magical about watching snow fall. Its incredible asymmetry is breathtaking. There's a majestic quiet that's completely inspiring as millions of snowflakes drift to the ground and cover every inch in a chilly, sparkling white cloud. What before was browns and greens, with areas of dirt or litter, instantly becomes a purified vision of beauty. Eventually though, temperatures rise and the glittering snow begins to melt away. Slowly the blades of grass and areas of dirt and concrete begin to show through the purification of white. Eventually, no trace of the pristine gorgeousness remains, save our photos and memories.

Politics and humanity are similar in this phenomenon. A crisis, a catastrophe, a hardcore event occurs and the positive side of humanity is brought out. Communities worldwide bond, strangers assist those in need, and even children rejoice and take part in the positive that is born from the negative. Eventually though, recognition of the issue dies down, neighbors and strangers go back to their own sequestered lives and again turn a blind eye to injustices that occur daily, and the sense of hope and humanity that thrived during the the crisis begins to subside. But does it have to?

Just like those last sugar dustings of snow that refuse to melt away, so should our hopes, senses of empathy, and gifts of giving wholeheartedly to those who need our help. Just because the blinding, adrenaline-laced sparkle of catastrophic need eventually melts away doesn't mean that the requirement is not still there. That litter on the ground, like the needs of humanity, that was hidden by the previous glittering blanket of snow still needs to be cleaned up, to be assisted in becoming the epitome of quiet beauty and peace that only previously existed under a glittering blanket of snowflakes.

Maybe we could all strive to hang on to those charitable, giving ideals year-round. Not just during this, the season of giving, but throughout every season. Just like those final little patches of snow that refuse to melt, we too have the ability to create a glittering world of quiet beauty in someone else's life, if only we make sure those magic qualities of empathy and giving stay alive all year long.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

"Wrinkles" In Politics and Humanity

Recently, I finally got the chance to watch A Wrinkle In Time.  Don't judge.  It was one of my favorite books when I was a pre-teen.  I remember sitting in the school library, immersed in that book, thinking to myself, 'if Meg can do it, so can I!'  That book gave me confidence, courage, and hope during an extremely difficult time in my childhood.  Watching that movie brought back memories .. not all of them wonderful.  However, it also brought to light parts of the story that I had forgotten, or maybe just not understood due to my youth. Parts of the story that, I feel, are truly relevant to life and the current political climate.

For those of you unfamiliar with the basis of the story, Meg is the preteen, self-doubting heroine that travels through space and time with her genius preschool brother, and their neighborhood friend, to save their scientist father who has been missing for many years.  The pretense is that travel between far areas of the universe is, in fact, able to be done by tesseract (which is a sort of bending of time by specific vibration).  Meg's father had discovered this and accidentally gotten trapped on a dark planet, created by an evil force called 'The IT', from whence there was no seemable escape ... until his children come to save him.  Obviously, there are many more intricacies that are too numerous to go into in this blog .. (go watch the movie!) .. however, the manner in which the screenplay depicted the three muses, and their assistance tactics within the children's quest was wonderfully hopeful and enlightening for our current world.

I find it intrinsically fascinating that the name of the 'planet' created by 'The IT', is 'Camazotz'.  The planet Camazotz initially appears in the movie with a menacing growl and the far off appearance of a cancerous tumor spreading its tentacles. Interestingly enough, the name 'Camazotz' is the name of the Mayan bat god associated with darkness, death, and sacrifice.  How apropos that the core of the evil force in this tale should be named after that. 
One of the muses in A Wrinkle In Time, Mrs. Which, counsels Meg that "The only thing in the universe that travels faster than light is darkness.  It invades the place inside of us where hope and joy lives and replaces it with jealousy, judgement, pain and despair."  Additionally, she notes that, "The IT does this one person at a time .. fear takes over, fear leads to rage, then rage leads to violence."  So jealousy, judgement, pain, and despair lead to fear, which then lead to rage, which then lead to violence.  Somehow I can only think of the current political climate.  A state where currently, we have a U.S. President that espouses fear and hatred far more than empathy and understanding.  As one BBC article recently put it "Donald Trump does politics with one crucial psychological insight. Rage is an emotion that sticks around a lot longer than hope." (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46099744)  How is this a positive thing for the U.S. or the world in general?  Day after day, we fight against the rage and hatred of religious sects and fringe groups that espouse nothing but bigoted disgust and disdain for those different from them. We fight them in the hope that the positive, shining light of democracy will win out. Yet the U.S. President takes joy in rallying the evil troops?

The henchman for 'The IT' in A Wrinkle In Time, is ultimately shown to be a marionette of the entity.  Prior to revealing this, he tells the children "Everything is taken care of in total without options or alternatives."  What a chilling statement.  Almost as chilling as the scene where all the houses on the cul-de-sac are exactly the same, with a single child in each driveway bouncing a ball in absolute unison.  It's a visual statement that leans towards the mindless flock of sheep mentality, which currently seems to be permeating the nation.  However, there are rays of hope.  Not everyone views the world through the same hue of glasses.  Once Meg puts on the prism glasses given to her by the muses when they leave the children on Camazotz, she is able to see that things are not as they seem.  The area is not enclosed, her father is actually held captive there, and she can, in fact, reach him.  I suppose our world is a lot like that.  Sometimes you just need to look through a different set of glasses to find the real answers.

I think that the most poignant moment for me in this movie, stems from another quote from Mrs. Which, "Do you realize how many events and choices had to occur, since the birth of the universe, to lead to the making of you, just exactly as you are?"  

There are times in life when we all feel down, feel depressed, doubt our choices, even doubt ourselves and question our own self-worth.  It happens to everyone.  It's human nature.  It's also a natural part of growing up.  Having those feelings and thoughts, however, does not make them a true reflection of who we are.  Our lives are essentially mirrors.  Mirrors of our thoughts, mirrors of our actions, and most importantly, mirrors of those surrounding us.  Whom we choose to closely surround ourselves with has the ability to, many times, show us the clearest reflection of ourselves, but only if we are willing to look. 

It is easy to get bogged down in the minutiae of societal expectations, political rhetoric, and judgement, but, if we allow ourselves to truly see what those closest to us see in our hearts and minds, we can then begin to embrace and live up to the amazing people we actually have the potential to be, regardless of society's chain gang mentality.  As we learned in Wrinkle, love is the only force that can destroy the darkness of 'The IT'.  Love ultimately destroys jealousy, love destroys judgement, love destroys pain and despair.  How we treat others, how we speak to others, how we respect those who think differently than us, is the truest measure of humanity. That's definitely something that the President, and all of those running for office, should remember every time they open their mouths.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Serenity of Gratefulness

The beginning of a new year tends to bring about reminiscences of the passing year's adventures had, triumphs won, and moments lost. It's difficult not to rejoice in the new year's upcoming possibilities without dwelling, at least momentarily, upon times past.

I had lunch with a sweet friend the other day. Both of us have experienced fairly major life changes over the past year. As we chatted and laughed, enjoying the few hours we had without worries or responsibilities, I felt a sense of carefree happiness, the likes of which I haven't felt in many months. It occurred to me, that being grateful for moments of that nature, is a much better use of my year-end reminiscing than worrying about the past, or the future. So, in an effort to pay homage to all forms of moments upcoming, and those gone but not forgotten, I've decided to write a Grateful List.

 

• Family - Through good and bad, exciting and mundane, happy and sad, they are and will always be a constant. There are times that their well-meaning assistance helps, and there are times that it has been known to drive us all a bit nuts, but family will always be a part of our lives. Our children and all the insightful, surprising lessons they teach us, just by being themselves, every day; our parents and family members with all of their well-meaning help and encouragement, even though they may frustrate us at times because their views and beliefs may not coincide with our own, from them we have the ability to learn so much about ourselves and the world around us. A living breathing reminder of who we are, where we've come from, and the manifestation of the hopes for generations to come. For that, I am Grateful.
• Relationships - No matter whether they're current or former, positive or negative, happy or painful, there is always something learned from each and every one. Some lessons are about how we perceive others, some are about how we view ourselves. As long as we pay attention and utilize the lessons that are there for us, no relationship is ever a waste of time. Even the ones that make us wonder how on earth we could have been that stupid hold valuable lessons for us to take forward in our lives. I am grateful for the lessons of past and present relationships.
• There are so many other things, big and small, that we might overlook in the hustle and bustle of daily life, that are cause for reflection and a moment of gratitude towards the universe. The smile of a child, the sight of a flower or beautiful sunset. The warmth of a hug, the kindness of a stranger, the sound of laughter with a friend. Random acts of kindness, or someone simply taking the time to listen and care. The warmth and scent of a roaring fire on a chilly evening, the caress of a cool breeze on a hot day, the pure joy of a pet's loving greeting upon your arrival home (even if you've only been gone for a few minutes!). A place to call home, the aroma of fresh baked goods, the sound of music on a starry night. For all of these things, and many more, I am truly grateful.

Take a moment, in the birth month of this new year, to stop, contemplate, and enjoy the immediate present. No matter what that immediate present may be, I bet you find a bit of happiness in it. All you have to do is stop, look, and be there.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Magical Dragonflies ...

This morning, while drinking coffee, I was greeted by a swarm of dragonflies. I can't think of anything more poetic. So many positive things have been happening in my life as of late, that it has caused me to second guess myself upon recent occasion. That bevy of dragonfly positivity brought me back to the realm of "I Can".

Dragonflies are born in water, then mature into air. They represent strength, perseverance, and metamorphosis. Things we all strive for in some form. We all want to be the best person we can become, we all want to morph into what is better than we began as, we all want to be stronger than the adversity that we encounter on a daily basis. It's intrinsically important to our psyche.

Lately, there have been a number of trying times that have caused me to forget that lesson. Today I remembered it. Funny how sometimes it only takes opening your eyes to see the beautiful moment that's in front of you to realize what you knew deep down inside all along.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Waiting For Sunrise

"It's always darkest before the dawn."  I've always been drawn to that phrase. It gives me hope whenever things seem negative and hopeless in life. As if no matter how dark or depressing anything feels, the experience is there for the purpose of allowing me to appreciate the beauty of the more positive things that are sure to follow it. Sometimes, though, our periods of darkness in life can be so pitch black, and seem to last so long, that it becomes increasingly difficult to remember that a period of light is sure to follow.

Everyone deals with tough times differently. Some bury themselves in work or hobbies, some isolate themselves in misery to shut out the world, some become any and every crazy version of social simply to numb the pain, some even lash out at absolutely everything and everyone in a vain attempt to destroy the painful world they feel is surrounding them. The unfortunate fact is, no matter what anyone does, the only thing that will break through the darkness and alleviate the pain, is Time. It takes time for situations to run their course, time for darkness to fade into light, time for emotions to calm into peacefulness, time for storms to subside. The world doesn't stop revolving for anyone's heartache or hardships, but even that stark fact can bring hope, as it means that the sun will always rise again. All of it simply takes time, and no amount of seeking vengeance, or angry outbursts, or even burying one's head in the sand in an effort to ignore or hide, will make things right again any faster. Honestly, none of us feels like playing Pollyanna during difficult times in our lives, but are the repercussions of self-destruction, or the accidental collateral damages, worth the possible additional angst?

I honestly believe that we are all on this earth to learn positive lessons, and that each life is meant to learn specific ones. As humans, we, many times, only seem to pay attention and truly learn life's lessons when the universe unceremoniously smacks us down with them. Maybe that's why it's always darkest before dawn. To truly learn something new, and to appreciate it and the wonderful things that already surround us that we may not have noticed previously, we have to proceed blindly forward for a while. It doesn't mean that we don't fight to get through the tough times, the point, I suppose, is to make yourself keep moving forward.

I'll leave you with my favorite quote (from the immortal Dr Seuss) to mull over ... just in case you need to borrow it for a dark time in life.  "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat! I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me!"

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

What Would You Take?

In the movie "Leap Year", the question is asked, "If your house caught on fire and you only had 10 seconds to grab what's most important to you and get out safely, what would you take?" Think about it. What would you take? In this world that we live in, where possessions sometimes seem to be our most important assets, what would you grab in those 10 seconds? If your brain starts to sift through photos, memorabilia, and heirloom baubles, stop and ponder .... why is your first thought not living creatures? Have we as a society become so attached to what can be purchased, that we've lost track of the importance of humankind? Is the possession of "things" really that important?

No matter what the item, whether it's technology, favorite photos, books, or furniture, a handed-down heirloom, or one-of-a-kind memorabilia, it is, at base level, a Thing. A possession. An inanimate object that could ultimately be bought in some form. While we may have emotional attachments to some of these objects, they are still, in fact, objects that will reside in our memories whether they are next to us or not. Why do we put so much stock into these possessions that our mind would go to those things first in a "grab and get out" situation? At what point did we, as a society, become so brainwashed, that our immediate thoughts would go to saving objects first?

Life. Love. Friendship. Laughter. None of these can be a two-way relationship with an object. A shoulder to lean on. An ear to listen to your worries and triumphs. A source of pride in another's achievements. None of these happen with an inanimate object either. All of these only exist with living, breathing, people. Family, friends, pets (they're family too!) .... shouldn't they be first on the "grab list"?

For me personally, my two children, the love of my life, and our dog & cat are the first and foremost to save. Yes, there are objects in our home that hold a special place in my heart, but they're just objects that can be replaced in some way ..... to me, the living creatures cannot.

Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Humanity At Its Most Fascinating

Yard Sales. Whether you call them "yard" or "garage" or "estate" sales, they're all ultimately the opportunity for "one man's trash" to become "someone else's treasure". There can be so much more than just selling off possessions to those yard / garage / estate sales, though!

We had a "yard sale" this past weekend. I say "weekend", because what was supposed to be just all day Saturday, ended up being both Saturday and Sunday. People who found furniture that they wanted on Saturday, couldn't pick it up till Sunday, so we simply continued the sale through Sunday. It made logical sense to us at the time, so why not? Over the course of those two days we met many neighbors, some awesome couples and families, and a number of random interesting people that we might not have had the opportunity to meet had we not decided to delve into such an adventure. To me, that's always fun, and never a bad thing. Personally, I did learn some valuable humanistic lessons, so I'd like to share my Top Five.....

Lesson 5: That old adage that talks about "Momma is always right", is true no matter what the relationship. From every form of couples that meandered through, to groups of people who "checked with their significant other" before purchasing, if SHE has her mind set on having whatever "It" is, then she shall ultimately have it.  I actually had one guy text me via his wife to say that the pictures looked great, but it didn't matter what he thought anyways as he really didn't get a vote! (I found that hysterical)

Lesson 4: Just because you list a time frame on the sale does not mean people will pay attention to it. Granted, knowing that hard core Saturday yard sale fanatics will show up early, we were ready at 6:00am, which at this time of year, was before sunrise. We had people actually show up, and purchase, via flashlight, before the sun rose that morning! Go figure!! Seeing as there's a whole demographic of people who are night owls, I'm wondering if we should hold the next one beginning at dusk!

Lesson 3: Just because someone appears to be "browsing", doesn't mean they won't buy something. This is where the getting to know others part comes into play. Striking up conversation & finding common ground creates a friendly trust of sorts, which creates bargaining, which leads to sales. Don't knock it till you've tried it!

Lesson 2: Chatting with neighbors that you've never met is a positive thing (regardless of what other neighbors have said about them previously!). Not only can sales end up happening, but it also creates a safer feeling of the neighborhood atmosphere as you end up getting to know each other. That, and just because someone may have a "reputation" in the neighborhood, doesn't mean you can't get to know a different side of them .. which is not a bad thing!

Lesson 1: There are some seriously interesting humans that attend yard sales. From the elderly woman speaking Creole that couldn't count without assistance, to the couple in their 20's who bought a set of luggage ala 1980 that they swore was "vintage", to the 7 year old kid that borrowed money from his buddy's foster mom to purchase a video game (He was too excited and adorable, so I gave him a discount) .... there are monumentally fascinating people all around you that, if you simply take the time to talk with them instead of wandering away because they're not whom you'd normally chat with, become even more monumentally fascinating. I love that! Goes back to the old saying "don't judge a book by its cover". Just because someone doesn't appear to be who you'd want to talk to, doesn't mean they aren't!

To sum it up, the yard sale weekend went great, and what was left over we've sold almost all of on Craigslist or donated to Salvation Army.  In many ways, getting rid of the unused stuff was way less exciting than the getting to know the mass variety of people who came through. And, while the accidental upper body workout via the entire process had me feeling like I would never be able to use my arms again for 24 hours afterwards, I look forward to the next opportunity to do something similar. People in general are so incredibly fascinating!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Opinion or Judgement .. who decides?

The world is an opinionated, judgemental place. Some of this is in good fun, like friends getting together, sharing stories, & ribbing each other good-naturedly. Unfortunately, much of it is not that way. From political ads on television slamming the opponent for views of opposition, to "talking trash" about the beliefs, actions, attire, and/or life choices of others, to simply sharing unasked for and unnecessary opinions that smack of negativity .... are we so egotistical as a society,  that constantly playing the eternal judge & jury of others' choices is a necessary component of living?
Opinions are a fact of life. We all have them, we all share them via conversation, or social media, or electronic communications. We are all entitled to our opinions, whether others agree with them or not .... hence the rights of a "free society". Where, though, does the line begin between what is an Opinion & what is a Judgement? When does an opinion become a judgement?
To my personal understanding, an opinion is something that is important to someone for their own reasons, and, if shared with others, is shared on the level of discussion that incorporates give and take with those others.
There seems to be a lot of "opinions" out there being shared that are put forth more so as "judgments". Not open for discussion or exchange of ideas, just a pure, hard-headed way of looking at any situation without room for other viewpoints .. aka  Judgements. Do people not understand that this tactic only brings about negative feelings and harsh replies to the sayer? The most brilliant minds over the past two-hundred years in our societies had many opinions that they put forth as discussion points .. because of this we now have a better understanding of the human mind & body, the Earth, and the universe as a whole. In my humble opinion, that should be taken into consideration with our communication on a daily basis.
No two people have the exact same beliefs, opinions, and/or viewpoints on any level or subject. To put an opinion out into whatever form of the universe that one chooses, in an effort to foster communication, is a wonderful thing that should be done. To judge without the consideration of all the facts or a lack of knowledge of the other parties involved is simply rude.
Imagine hanging out at any establishment and seeing a person who has an unfortunate case of alopecia. Have you talked with them & realized that they're going through chemotherapy, or genetically they have a predisposition to this,  or do you just laugh at them behind their back?
Imagine hanging out at that same establishment and seeing a person who is clinically obese or, on the flip side, skeleton thin. Do you chat with them and get to know them as a person? Maybe they have a glandular disorder. Maybe they have an eating disorder. Maybe they've been going through an immensely emotional trauma that has caused one of those extremes to occur. Do you take that into consideration before making snide comments?
Imagine seeing a photo on social media that isn't the most flattering of someone. Do you automatically assume they're being stupid or totally trashed? Or do you give them the benefit of the doubt that not all photos are flattering?
Opinions versus Judgements. The line is thin and gray at times, but in the interest of a society that works together, should we not think it through before speaking in any form? Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life as a Philosophical Seussism

Dr. Seuss was a Master Philosopher.  I firmly believe this.  All you have to do is read even slightly between the lines of his, on the surface, nonsensical writing style, or take a look at any of his many famous quotes, and the truth is absolutely there.

Consider the quote, "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  While I feel like I need to write this as a reminder at the top of every physics exam page, it is also quite true for most of life.  We overthink, and stress about, and complicate so much of our daily occurrences. If we were to, instead, take a deep breath, step back, and truly look at the entire picture, then focus on the solution, might not the best answer be the simplist one possible?

What about the phrase from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish? "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"  No.  Joke.  From children, to pets, to random humans in the grocery or on the street, to the silly stupid jokes shared with those closest to you, there is almost always something out there to laugh at .... including yourself!

Another, would be from The Lorax, "It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become."  This one I believe to be true for both good and bad, positive and negative, truths and lies, and everything in-between.  Think about it.  All things are what they are, and are exactly what they are in the way that one sees, interprets, and applies them.  They begin as they exactly are, and become whatever we turn them into.  Ponder that one.

The quote that I deep down believe was a political statement (well hidden) is from The Cat In The Hat.  "And this mess is so big, and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up, there is no way at all!"  That one, politically, speaks for itself (in my opinion).

My personal favorite, that I tend to revert to like a mantra whenever I'm stressed out or hurt by other people in life is a quote that's not from one of his books.  It goes like this, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see.  Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"  Best.  Empowering.  Quote.  Ever.

There are literally THOUSANDS of quotes and passages from Dr. Suess's books and lifetime that would apply to my life, your life, and the life of everyone and everything on this planet in almost any situation or scenario.  Here is a link if you want to look at more of them: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/61105.Dr_Seuss

Until next time, try to remember as you go forward in your day the immortal, philosophical words "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)"


~ The Girl In The LIttle Black Dress (with assistance from Dr. Seuss)

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Demise of Self-Doubt?

There comes a time in life when standing up for yourself is the only option. Actually, there's probably many times in life of this nature, but for some reason many of us seem to skirt the issue and try to placate or "make nice" instead of meeting it head on. Meeting such issues head on can be extremely daunting. Even the thought of doing so can bring up feelings of guilt from concern for other's feelings, self-doubt from actually standing up for yourself if you're not the type of person that does such a thing very often, worry for the ripple effect of ramifications that might occur .... in essence, over thinking every nuance instead of just taking a deep breath and announcing "I will not be bullied any longer!" If you're dealing with an ex or a family member, the second guessing of yourself can become extremely harsh. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we acquiesce to what we know is not right for us, just to keep the peace? What is it that causes us to not only be our own worst critic, but to take those internal criticisms so to heart, that we freeze instead of standing up to the people in our lives who attempt to judge, control, and overtake it for their own agenda? Why does being our own worst critic seem to culminate in the creation of ourselves as our own worst enemy?

Personally, I've had multiple opportunities to stand up for myself in my life. Many, I didn't take advantage of simply out of fear for one reason or another. Lately, when those opportunities have presented themselves, I have taken advantage of them. Stood up for myself, and my beliefs. Then, unfortunately, I end up with more fear, feelings of guilt for possibly making a situation more volitile (even though that may not be the case), worry and dread over the possible responses or repercussions ... but somewhere, deep down inside, is a small, glimmering light of pride and hope. Actually being proud of myself for not allowing someone to push me around, and hope that my words and actions will result in something better going forward. The fear is larger and stronger than that small, glimmering light, but using every ounce of my being to focus on that little light instead of the fear, helps me to realize that there is, in fact, hope for a better day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day with endless possibilities. Don't let today's issues cause you to miss out on it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life Learned From Art

Show closings are always bittersweet.  The show that I've been performing in closed last night. It has been an absolutely fantastic run. Great, productive rehearsals with just enough goofing off and laughing at each other, sold out shows, constant adrenaline highs from enthusiastic audiences, stellar reviews, laughter & inside jokes backstage with the cast, and the thrill of being cast with and getting to perform as a couple with my "significant other" .... after the final curtain closes and the final bows are taken it's both disconcerting & somehow a bit sad.

No more show calls, no more rehearsals, no more adjusting schedules to make sure one is where one needs to be with time to get into character, and, if it's a show night, transform yourself physically into whatever character you're portraying. Initially, it feels confusing & weird.  Like, what do people do when they have free time??

Every show I perform in, I somehow seem to learn a lesson or two of some sort. It may be because of the direction, or the interaction with the cast, or the character I'm portraying herself, but there always seems to be at least one life lesson there.

This show in particular, I played a narcissistic, sexually independent woman who happens to be having a "fling" with a mafia hitman .... who just happens to be her therapist's brother. Needless to say, that is not where my lessons occurred ... other than possibly learning my character's ability to completely let go and be exactly who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks .. which is not necessarily a bad lesson for my life!

This show, however, taught me Perseverance. No matter what else is happening in your life or how stressful it may be, persevere to be prepared, know your lines, understand your character, interact with and actively listen to what's going on around you, and above all, leave your personal issues outside the stage door. Step away from the malarkey of daily life and honestly become a completely different person (in the eyes of the audience) for a few hours a night. That truly is one of the beauties (and benefits!) of acting. The ability to step out of your own life for a few hours a day. It is a lesson, however, that can be applied under normal circumstances.

There will always be things both small and large in our lives that will cause stress, cause pain, cause anguish, or simply create complete befuddlement of our brains. The ability to step away, let go, and focus on what's directly in front of you that needs your attention at the time, to persevere no matter what else is happening around you is an attribute that we all should strive for. Without it, we allow the negative and mundane to take over our lives, and we risk missing out on the fabulous moments that we could achieve if only we continued to focus & persevere.

Life is a marathon. Don't give up just before the final mile is finished. There just might be something fantastic around that final corner.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Valuable Commodity of Trust

There are moments in life that occur on a regular and/or semi-regular basis, that you want to share with your friends ... Especially those specific friends who get what you're going through, or talking about. The ones who have similar life experiences. The ones that you implicitly trust. What happens, though, when those people no longer exist in your life?

Friendship break ups are similar to lover break ups, but somehow worse. There's always those small things that you associate with a particular person that makes you miss them. Situations or occurrences that bring up memories of good times, of shared experiences, but none of those instances make you okay with allowing that person back into your life. You might want to share with them despite the circumstances, but the thought of any form of contact makes you feel timid, insecure, and without trust for any conversation or revelations that would come of such contact. There is no way possible that you can imagine doing so without causing horrible anguish to yourself and your psyche. 

Why is that? Why do we have difficulty trusting our own judgment in the after effect of removing those who are toxic for us, or simply not good for us to associate with, from our lives?

Unfortunately, it's even worse when a group of friends break up (so to speak). There's second guessing,  mistrust, variance in alliances,  & worry that what one might say in confidence to another, may be retold incorrectly and judged unfairly by those whom you've cut ties with. It sucks.

Which leads me to my point .... why can't we live a life, with those who we deem closest to us, Without Judgment? Why can't we accept those we choose to love and trust for who they are, resist the tendency to jump to conclusions, ask them directly if we don't understand, and support them in the decisions that they make for their own lives, which might be different than what we may ultimately choose for our own?

There's always that one friend who, you may not agree with their life decisions, but you support them in what they feel is best for themselves,  regardless of whether or not it's best for you. There's always that friend who, at times, you become concerned about, but because you value and cherish the friendship, you talk through your concerns, even though you may want to jump to conclusions via gossip heard.

Is friendship truly trustworthy? Is it ok to share your deepest, darkest secrets with someone that you have no guarantee may turn on you at a critical moment?  It makes you wonder ... and, unfortunately, question your own judgment of the trustworthiness of those who are closest to you.

Still wondering. Trust is a valuable,  fragile commodity that, when broken, is truly difficult to earn back.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Humanity of Give Versus Take

A neighbor of mine said the other day, "there are givers and takers in this world ... unfortunately, the givers usually end up getting screwed,"  I agree with him .. for the most part.

Those who are the "takers" spend their lives expecting everyone to do what they want, give in to their needs ... essentially bow to them and their every whim. They use multiple forms of persuasion, tactics that smack of under-handedness, and any con artist move they can, legal or non, to achieve whatever their ultimate goal is. It's actually a truly pitiful existence. To only be able to take without experiencing the joy of giving.

Those who are "givers" get the opportunity to experience and appreciate the smiles and pure joy on someone's face when they create a token of words or gifts or actions that require no return of actions or strings attached. They feel happy by doing such things. They don't need hurrahs or accolades, they just do these things for others because it should be done out of pure respect for humanity. They're content to do so, and don't think about "what's in it for them" in the process.

The "givers" versus the "takers". Most of us have a little of both in us.  While I truly believe that both Yin and Yang, light and darkness, is in each of us, and that one cannot exist without the other, I also believe that the "givers", regardless of getting trod upon, live happier lives than the "takers". While unfair pain may be experienced at times, the reward of life's little things, like a child's smile, a friend in need's hug, a loved one's kiss, the total body wagging of a pet greeting you just because you showed up, unexpected laughter, ultimate trust ... these are things that can never be truly known or appreciated by the "takers".

It's to be pitied, actually. The sad fact is that there are people out there who view themselves as so entitled, so above the echelon, so above reproach, that in their quest for the perfect life they end up living the lives that are more miserable than most. How sad is that?!

Gandhi said that "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean become dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Well said, Sir!  I pity those that can only take and not give, can only hurt and not help, can only think of themselves and not others. I truly believe, though, that that Yin, that light as opposed to dark is somewhere deep in all of us. Hopefully someday those people will find it in themselves and no longer wreak the havoc that creates a negative ripple effect doomed to surround them. Poor, misguided humans.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

6 Things Someone Should Never Say To A Person With An Eating Disorder

I read an absolutely wonderful article by Anna Breslaw entitled "10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression". ( http://www.cosmopolitan.com/_mobile/sex-love/advice/things-not-to-say-depression ) It was dead on, and quite fantastic. As I myself was diagnosed with depression in conjuction with my eating disorder, I felt inspired to write a similar version for eating disorders themselves ... here goes .......

1. Just EAT. It's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it IS that big of a deal. As someone with an eating disorder (Anorexia / Bulimia in my case), I am usually either freaked out by eating in the first place, terrified (illogically, i realize) of looking and feeling like a beached whale if I do so, worried that if I eat anything at all I may not win the battle of keeping it down, and paranoid about eating anything in front of someone else, especially someone who would make that statement.  Most people who suffer from eating disorders feel some or all of these things too. To a "normal" person, munching down on a burger and fries, or a slice of pizza when hunger occurs is no big deal. To someone suffering from an ED, it's not only a huge deal, it messes with your mind and can freak you out for an entire evening. Don't assume or act like it's an attitude issue.

2. You look so healthy!
Obviously, whomever says this is attempting a compliment, but to someone with an eating disorder, compliments that focus on the physical get warped in our heads. The word "healthy" is worst of all. In this age of the media driven American Obesity Epidemic, the word "healthy" becomes "huge", or "humongous", or "hefty", or any other adjective that begins with the letter H and is defined as Large. It may not make sense, but that's what happens. Compliment our shoes, clothes, hair, or new mani pedi, and we'll be just fine. Compliment our physicality, especially with the word "healthy", and you run the risk of us obsessing over and mentally picking apart every flaw we perceive in every body part we possess for at least the next 5+ hours.

3. Do you know how many fat grams are in that?!
Why yes, we do. We probably also know the calorie count, exact serving size, sodium, and carb counts, and may have even memorized the entire nutrition label. Don't go there.

4. I'm on this new diet /exercise program that's fantastic! You should try it!
Good job. The person saying this has now basically (to our way of thinking), said that we are fat, ugly, or need physical improvement in some form. While many times a statement of this form is simply someone who's excited about what they're doing in their own life and wants to share it conversationally, to someone with an ED it registers as a big put-down.  Most people don't mean it that way, but that's how we process it in our heads. Additionally, if whomever is saying something like that is already aware the person they're talking to has an eating disorder .... well that's either just plain mean, or a show of stupidity, or both.

5. You don't have enough food on your plate! .. or .. You should really eat more.
Most of the time, this one is said by a well-meaning family member who is offering their opinion with zero malice whatsoever. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us any less self-conscious or uncomfortable. Here's the truth. If we're actually attempting to eat, don't give us a hard time about it. Better yet, ignore the fact that we're eating completely. Just because we may carefully measure out, or even weigh out our portions does not mean that we "need more", it means we're trying to get normal and healthy with our eating.

6. You don't Look like you have an eating disorder!

There is no "look" that is universal for an eating disorder. Period. Even if we're 5'6" and weigh 98 pounds soaking wet, we still view ourselves as imperfect or fat. EDs come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and nationalities.  Don't assume. Things are not always what they appear to be.

I'm only going to go as far as "The Top Six", because there are so many facets to various forms of Eating Disorders that it would end up being a "Top 100" if I were to try to hit all of them. The bottom line is this; eating disorders are a documented disease. They begin because of many possible entities, some more tragic and damaging than others, and morph into every possible form of mental anguish as the person suffering attempts to control them .. because in reality, we are controlled by them in almost every way imaginable.  They create intense personal, mental, and self-esteem issues, distort our thought processes, are a cause of many relationship issues, and are a catalyst for health problems that can ultimately kill you. They require long-term therapy and medical oversight, major support, and love without judgment to overcome. As with many healing processes, things can and will get worse before they get better if the person is trying to fight to get well ... kind of like cleaning out a closet.

The best path to take, if you love someone who deals with an ED, is to daily hug, love, be open-minded (regardless of your understanding or lack thereof), and simply say "I'm here for you ... no judgment". Honestly though, don't we All want that from those around us anyway?

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Myth Of Perfection

Perfection. The ultimate, always desired, unattainable goal. We all want it in some form. Rarely does one hear someone say "I'm striving for average." Yet what is perfection? Is it a universal entity, or something that is completely subjective to each individual? Why does it stress us out so badly when it's supposed to be (theoretically) what will cause the greatest happiness? If someone puts forth their best effort possible under their particular circumstances, but can't quite achieve what others view as the best possible outcome, does that mean that person is doomed to live a life of disappointment?  A life in which they'll never measure up? Why is it so important to so many of us to be the best and most successful according to other's perceptions?

We're bombarded with it daily. Every time we turn on a television and see a commercial, every time we open a magazine, every time someone tells us we can do or be better, every time we look in the mirror and see even a minute flaw that others may not even notice. It's always there. Haunting us. Telling us subconsciously that we don't measure up. Reminding us that we are not everything that "should" be or that we try to be. Why? If you don't look like "this", or live your life like "this", or dress a certain way, or follow a certain thought process, or make straight A's, or achieve a certain level of financial success .... the list goes on and on. It's exhausting.

Perfection is a myth. A horrible, demeaning myth designed by those who probably are in some way dissatisfied or disappointed with their own lives and wish for others to be as dissatisfied and disappointed as they are. No one is perfect in every facet of their life and being. No one goes through their days on this earth without making a single mistake. We all have our great moments, our screw-up moments, and even our awkward moments. It's called being Human.

Personally, I beat myself up constantly over mistakes and "imperfections" of every kind. I'm learning to work on that. To attempt to ignore the voices in every direction around me and work towards what's the best I can be. It isn't easy, but I'm sure it will ultimately be worth it once I get there. Maybe that's what perfection really is. The ability to recognize the naysayers and societal pressure, then simply put forth your best efforts and do what's best for your own life in the end. Thoughts to ponder.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

There's No One Perfect Answer

Today a friend confided horrid news that's left her feeling broken and embarrassed and depressed. Same thing happened with another friend a few days ago, something happened that left her feeling hurt and helpless and worried. While the situations are different, the results are similar. It happens to all of us at some point. Something unfortunate or horrible happens due to the actions of others, and we're left to muddle through a myriad of terrible, self-recriminating emotions. Why do we ultimately allow others, no matter how close, to have such control over how we feel about ourselves?

I am one of the world's worst about this. I tend to turn around negative situations and blame myself immediately. I try not to, I attempt to think it through logically, reminding myself that I cannot control the actions of others, but it's just not that easy to move beyond the depression and self-hatred sometimes.

A wise person once told me that our Feelings in reaction to any situation are Never wrong. It's what we Do with those feelings, our Actions in response to them, that can be appropriate or inappropriate. I find that somehow comforting. It's okay to feel these horrible, uncomfortable emotions, but as long as we find a way to actively release them that works for us and doesn't cause additional stress to any innocent bystanders in the process, then there's no wrong way to go about it. Be it confiding in a friend who has a great shoulder to cry on, be it joining a support group or talking to a professional, be it painting, or exercise, or long walks, or rearranging the furniture in every room of the house .... there's no one correct way to release and move forward. It's whatever works for each individual.

I suppose it's all ultimately a healing process. Our feelings towards ourselves, our feelings towards those who caused our pain, how we ultimately find the strength, courage, fortitude, and forgiveness to move forward with our lives in a new direction that we might never have planned for. The point is, that we Move Forward. Some of the most beautiful things in life can eventually grow out of the muck, if we only allow them to do so.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress