The Quest

I've learned many lessons over the past year.... actually, "learned" may not not be the appropriate word... honestly, I've taken the opportunity to regain parts of myself which were lost or buried over the past decades.

I used to be brave. While I've always tried to find the positive in any situation, due to many years of emotional beat downs in life, I lost the ability to truly be brave in my own mind. Over the past few months I've refound that bravery. Call it inspiration, or simply the support of those who mean the most to me when needed, regardless of the reason, it's back. For that, I am grateful.

I used to be a dreamer. Those same emotional beat downs temporarily took that away from me ... no more!  I can again dream, I can again aspire, I again truly believe!

Not saying that there aren't challenges in life, there are every day. However, healing, no matter how slowly, causes the scars of past pains to eventually recede to the point of naked eye invisibility. The wearer knows they're there ... the beholder, not so much.

One year ago I was shrinking and terrified .. blockading the doors nightly to keep my children and myself safe.  I look back on that woman and would not wish those feelings or circumstances on my worst enemy. This past year's introspection & support have given way to a new woman. One who looks at her surroundings and actively determines what is best for her and her children's lives, not just "doormats" herself on the whims of unbeknownst untrustworthy others.

Most importantly, I've learned to forgive myself. Everyone makes mistakes. In judgement, in actions, and in life. None of us are perfect. To be able to forgive yourself, means the ability to move forward in your own life. Not an easy obstacle to overcome.

So on this, the eve of renewal, I salute that scared, downtrodden, terrified individual I was at this time last year. Thank you for the lessons. They are the best gift one could give themselves to move forward in life. Cheers!

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

Choices

"You never know how strong you are, until Strong is the only choice you have."

Life is a series of choices.  Whether we realize it or not, all situations, good and bad, are created of our own doing.  Simple things like choosing to run up the street to the grocery store when we're hungry, purchasing more than we actually need (hungry in the grocery store always seems to work out that way!), then receiving a notice that the account has been overdrawn by an online bill posting through later that day, is due (in part) to choosing to shop at the grocery hungry, not choosing to check the account before shopping, and choosing to ignore the date on the calendar for when the bill is going to be paid.  Choosing to play in a pick up game of a favorite sport after being told by one's doctor about a joint injury, subsequently causing the injury to become worse, resulting in a painful sleepless night, and being exhausted the following day, is a choice of our own doing resulting in, not just pain, but exhaustion, lack of mental alertness, and possible grumpiness.  On the flip side, choosing to find delight and joy in small moments of every day, like noticing a new flower in the yard, or enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on your face, or rejoicing in the triumph of someone close to you (or a small, daily triumph of your own!), can make any day a positive one simply by choosing to view it that way.  It's all about our personal choices on a minute by minute, hourly, and daily basis.

A friend of mine made the comment, "Life is a constant spiral upward or downward, but it's never stagnant."  How true!  When we choose to respect those around us & treat them with kindness, no matter if they are someone on the street, someone that we work with, someone we love, or even ourselves, our choice of using positivity in daily life will create a ripple effect of the same.  Not just in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.  Choosing to hold onto anger, hold onto fear, or hold onto negativity, and treat others, or ourselves, in that manner, results in what seems like a dark cloud around us that envelopes everyone else we come in contact with.  It's unfortunate, but true.  We all claim to try to make the best choices for our own lives, but do we really?  Blaming anyone or anything for our own actions and reactions is simply an attempt at putting our heads in the sand like an ostrich and refusing to see our own responsibility for the situation.  Life is constantly moving forward in one direction or another.  Which direction it moves is solely up to us.

So, choose Letting Go.  Choose Joy.  Choose Happiness.  Choose Respect.  Choose Responsibility for Your Own Life.  Let go of that which is negative.  You may just find more happiness and strength in each moment of every day than you ever knew possible.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Serenity of Gratefulness

The beginning of a new year tends to bring about reminiscences of the passing year's adventures had, triumphs won, and moments lost. It's difficult not to rejoice in the new year's upcoming possibilities without dwelling, at least momentarily, upon times past.

I had lunch with a sweet friend the other day. Both of us have experienced fairly major life changes over the past year. As we chatted and laughed, enjoying the few hours we had without worries or responsibilities, I felt a sense of carefree happiness, the likes of which I haven't felt in many months. It occurred to me, that being grateful for moments of that nature, is a much better use of my year-end reminiscing than worrying about the past, or the future. So, in an effort to pay homage to all forms of moments upcoming, and those gone but not forgotten, I've decided to write a Grateful List.

 

• Family - Through good and bad, exciting and mundane, happy and sad, they are and will always be a constant. There are times that their well-meaning assistance helps, and there are times that it has been known to drive us all a bit nuts, but family will always be a part of our lives. Our children and all the insightful, surprising lessons they teach us, just by being themselves, every day; our parents and family members with all of their well-meaning help and encouragement, even though they may frustrate us at times because their views and beliefs may not coincide with our own, from them we have the ability to learn so much about ourselves and the world around us. A living breathing reminder of who we are, where we've come from, and the manifestation of the hopes for generations to come. For that, I am Grateful.
• Relationships - No matter whether they're current or former, positive or negative, happy or painful, there is always something learned from each and every one. Some lessons are about how we perceive others, some are about how we view ourselves. As long as we pay attention and utilize the lessons that are there for us, no relationship is ever a waste of time. Even the ones that make us wonder how on earth we could have been that stupid hold valuable lessons for us to take forward in our lives. I am grateful for the lessons of past and present relationships.
• There are so many other things, big and small, that we might overlook in the hustle and bustle of daily life, that are cause for reflection and a moment of gratitude towards the universe. The smile of a child, the sight of a flower or beautiful sunset. The warmth of a hug, the kindness of a stranger, the sound of laughter with a friend. Random acts of kindness, or someone simply taking the time to listen and care. The warmth and scent of a roaring fire on a chilly evening, the caress of a cool breeze on a hot day, the pure joy of a pet's loving greeting upon your arrival home (even if you've only been gone for a few minutes!). A place to call home, the aroma of fresh baked goods, the sound of music on a starry night. For all of these things, and many more, I am truly grateful.

Take a moment, in the birth month of this new year, to stop, contemplate, and enjoy the immediate present. No matter what that immediate present may be, I bet you find a bit of happiness in it. All you have to do is stop, look, and be there.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Figurative and Literal Glitter of Rocky

The end of anything in life is a time of reflection. From jobs, to relationships, to school, to life experiences, it causes us to look back and reminisce, gain new insight, and, if we're lucky, gain additional insight into ourselves from that which we've now left behind. If we're really fortunate, we're able to look forward and see not only new possibilities born out of those lessons we garnered, but also to bring new friendships and newly learned talents and outlooks with us into our futures that stem directly from what's now over and done with.

Recently, I choreographed a local version of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". When I began this endeavor back in February, I was extremely excited about choreographing the show, but a bit nervous about the level of undertaking. If you've never seen "Rocky Horror", it's quite a large musical that employs a rather small cast. Lots of innuendo, lots of glitter, multiple characters that strongly develop from one extreme to the other, and a hard core dose of crazy. Kind of a sci-fi "Romeo and Juliette" meets "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" melded with a warped "Wizard of Oz". Intensely fun, but as a choreographer, daunting on a number of levels. I can honestly say that my fears were unfounded.

From day one of auditions, the director and I had shared visions of what the show should look like. From week one of rehearsals, the cast jelled like no other I've ever worked with. Even when bumps in the road occurred, everyone supported each other and picked up any slack. No matter whether it was rehearsals or shows or times in between, this group of individuals not only brought their talent to the table, but also their open mindedness and compassion on all fronts. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have been a part of this show experience.

So what did I learn? What did I take away? It's not only the choreography & its execution that I'm proud of regarding this show. I learned that leaning on the people around you every day when life gets rough, even if they're still new friends, is a positive thing. I learned that letting go and simply enjoying the exact moment that you're in brings incredible joy. Practically, I even re-learned to run a light board and realized that dabbling in set design is a really fun thing! Most importantly, I gained a group of friends that are some of the most giving, talented, incredible individuals that I've ever had the good fortune to work with.

Our run of "Rocky Horror" finished this past weekend, and while I hate to let go of what has been an amazing ride, I look forward to life knowing these new people I've grown to adore, and the new positive life outlooks I've learned because of them and this experience. I now move forward in my own life, a better, more glittery person for the experience.

"And crawling, on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, lost in space .. and meaning." - Narrator, The Rocky Horror Picture Show

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Of All The Relationships In The World ...

Relationship. The word elicits a slightly different emotion from everyone. Some people lean more towards the Hopeful spectrum, and some people lean more towards the Terrified spectrum. Some towards Excitement, some towards Fear, and some people fall into the Ambivalent sectors. If all of those spectrums of emotion, plus the infinite number of other emotional possibilities, were placed in a Venn diagram, it would probably look like a hot mess mosaic. Mainly, because we all have felt every one of these, and many other unnamed emotions, or a combination thereof, at some point in our lifetimes.

Relationships themselves come in a plethora of forms. Ones that every one of us experience in our daily lives. From the relationships with those that we adore as friends, to the relationships with those we don't trust but still tolerate, from business relationships, to personal relationships, to love relationships, to family relationships; the myriad is endless. Regardless of the type, all relationships have, in my humble opinion, a basic need for what I personally consider the Relationship Fab Five: respect, trust, forgiveness, communication, and joy. If none of these qualities are present, a person tends to fall squarely in the middle of everything negative that's in that aforementioned Venn diagram. If you consider it in terms of the intersecting circles, it's inevitable that we all move slowly through a variety of both the positive and negative intersections on a constant basis. Some periods of time are squarely within the positive sectors, while some periods of time pass through, or occasionally get stuck in, the negative ones. It truly is all fluid motion, thanks in part to basic human nature. That's where my theoretical "Fab Five" come into play. Holding steady in any negative sector pattern only causes stress, grief, and angst for those who are experiencing it, in addition to eventually causing the same for anyone who is around that person. Staying in that negative area too long results in forms of depression and paranoia in all of one's relationships, regardless of whether any of those particular relationships were initially involved with the negativity or not. Sometimes we can get so entrenched in the negative spectrum, that it becomes difficult to find a way out into any of the positive ones. What happens, though, when only one or two of those five attributes are missing?  What about three or four of them? Can the person experiencing this bring themselves out of it? Do that person's relationships stay intact regardless?

I know from personal experience that, for me, if communication is missing, the trust eventually goes down the drain. If the joy is missing, the communication ultimately dies off. If there's no trust, there's not much communication beyond the necessary superficial, which can lead to a lack of respect for both myself and others, which can make it difficult to forgive even the smallest faux pas, which causes the constantly growing perceived mountain of difficulties to eat away at my psyche, which definitely diminishes any joy and happiness. It becomes a horrible, vicious circle of upsetting occurrences both internally and externally. So how do we make it stop? How do we get our fluidity back so that we can move back into the positive sectors? Additionally, once we hit those lower than low places in our lives, we sometimes tend to become our own worst enemy. We lash out at those closest to us simply because they are the targets within the easiest reach. We isolate ourselves and end up berating ourselves internally, which creates a horrible vacuum of emptiness and negative feelings no matter how much effort anyone else in our lives makes to help us out of the abyss. Then what?

Honestly, upon much reflection, I believe the most important relationship we should actively attempt to keep the joy, communication, trust, and, most importantly, respect and forgiveness in, is the relationship with Ourselves. It is not easy. In fact, it is probably the most difficult of all relationships to maintain! In the end though, if we can pull it off, all the rest of our outside relationships will, most of the time, fall much more smoothly into place. I suppose the old adage is true ... "the best things in life don't come easy".

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

American Dream, or Nightmare?

Relationships. Webster defines a relationship as "the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other." That certainly leaves much to interpretation. Good or bad, positive or negative, caring or rude .... everyone we come in contact with is a form of "relationship" according to Webster! What about the relationships that mean the most to us? Our spouses or significant others, our family, our close friends ... how does that definition apply?

Theoretically we all strive to do right by those people in our lives we care about. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, family member, or coworker, I believe that if you see the good in someone else it brings out the good in yourself. We all have our "dark days". We all have our moments where we aren't at our best, but the Golden Rule of treating others as you would treat yourself absolutely applies. Essentially, if you truly care about someone, slips of attitude can always be forgiven in time. But what about the relationships that are without immediate human interaction? Dealings with landlords, banks, the decision makers in companies that one may never actually meet ... how do we keep those relationships positive when we have little to no interaction with anything but a slip of paper?

I recently watched a documentary entitled "American Winter". If you haven't seen it, you should. It pointed out the absolute obvious in our current economic climate. Over the past few years, the majority of us have gone through some form of economic hardship, but the major corporations have seen increased profits. Regardless of efforts by those people who are working multiple jobs and returning to school in an effort to better their opportunities, the companies who "hold the cards" like mortgage companies, landlords, and utilities providers, generally seem to refuse to give a benefit of the doubt and allow for a bit of altruism so that those people making an effort can get caught up from hardships and back on track. It would seem that they (the companies) are more interested in the short term rather than the benefits of what the long term will bring if only they treated clients with compassion and respect, instead of hard lining the immediate where money is concerned. It's no wonder the homeless rate has risen to ridiculous proportions and charitable organizations like food banks can no longer keep up with demand. While America is nowhere near the tragedies of the Great Depression, it would seem that FDR's New Deal enacted in the 1930's that got companies to raise the minimum wage while keeping costs of goods and services at the lowest possible rate should be seriously revisited if we are going to get the average American back on their feet without the need for federal or state assistance on a weekly and monthly basis. To quote from "American Winter", 'Right now, the American dream is to make it through tomorrow, and next week'. It's a sad state of affairs for a country that's supposed to be one of the richest in the world. To compound the issue, we seem to have reverted back to the days of Tammany Hall on a congressional level where there's more consideration for those who already hold wealth and power at the corporation level, than those who are desperately attempting to make ends meet at the family nucleus level. How many more lives will be destroyed before empathy is extended so that those who make the effort can get ahead without repercussions that only set them back again?

My hope for this new year is awareness that leads to empathy, that leads to action for the betterment of others. No one is entitled to a hand out without putting forth an honest effort, but those who put forth an honest effort should be allowed to not be knocked back down by the greed of others every time they do.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Sometimes "Everything" is an adage

As many of you who read my blogs may have noticed, I've had an emotional couple weeks. While yes, I do tend to write in generalities, I do actually write from life experiences ... mainly to refocus my brain in a more positive manner!

There are so many events and situations that have occurred over these past few weeks, I feel like I'm spinning in a never ending emotional tornado at times.

My boyfriend made a comment the other day regarding stresses of his own, "I know all of this is supposedly happening for a reason or lesson. How do I determine what that is?!" That, is the ultimate question for which there is no clear answer. Some people say "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Others say "it takes a truly strong person to cry, to let things out, and to attempt to move forward with life." Still others say "You're only as strong as you choose to allow yourself to be," and even other people say "you make the bed, you gotta lie in it!" After much thought, introspection, and consideration, I believe a combination of all these to be true. Allow me to explain ....

While everything we do in life is, in reality, an active choice we make at that time, and how we choose to handle the repercussions or glories of those choices are no one's responsibility but our own, there are many situations in life that occur completely out of our control. Some are great, some are horrid, some are euphoric, and some resemble the depths of hell. I said in a previous blog that it was told to me that our Feelings are never wrong, our Actions resulting from and our Reactions to those feelings are what make the difference.

Personally, I've made some really stupid, horrible decisions in life, but I've made some incredibly fantastic, fabulous ones too. We all have. At times we all feel hopeless or hopeful, like a failure or a complete success, sad or happy, elated and ambitious or in the depths of despair.  A person pointed out to me recently "I've watched you lose everything", yet I've gained so much!  I lost my job via illness and layoff, but gained my sanity and life direction. I lost my car, but gained freedom in so many ways including walking through a park daily to get home just because it's there and I don't have the transportation crutch of a car to keep me from choosing not to. If "losing everything " is mainly to do with the things that can be bought, well, they're worth losing to make room for better, more important things.

I choose to be a mom and do the best I can for my children daily. That may not always be monetary ability, but they talk to me, we have amazing times together by mutual choice, and I try to be there for them with an open ear and open mind no matter what. I choose to live with the man that I love and adore. Every day may not be perfect bliss, but we are each others' trust, rock, and absolutely the "yin to each other's yang". I choose to be a full time student, not only to ultimately have a true career in an area I'm interested in and passionate about, but also to set the example for my kids that it's never too late to go back and complete what was started in the first place or to be what you truly should and wanted to be in the first place. I live in a place and area of this city that I love, my partner is the love of my life, I'm fascinated by what I study in school, I get paid to choreograph, dance, act, and paint ... I simply don't see the aforementioned loss of "Everything".

Recently I watched my youngest child go through "graduation" ceremonies from elementary to middle school. I cried. Yep, I did. I cried with pride for all he's accomplished, and mommy worry over all that he has yet to experience that I'll not be able to protect him from. I felt nostalgia for those moments in his childhood when he would run immediately to me if anything scary in his life occurred. My hope for him is that he learns the lessons I've learned at an earlier age than I.

In response to the original adages, if you're not physically killed by it, can find a way to get whatever "it" is out of your system through cathartic and/or positive activities, push forward to better yourself in whatever way possible, admit your faults and pay your dues for those faults if needed, treat others in the same empathic manner in which you yourself would hope to be treated, and to simply put your feet on the ground to attempt to move forward daily, there's no way that those universal reasons won't reveal themselves in due time.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Unexpected of Life

One of my closest friends got married this past weekend.  It was a gorgeous, amazing, perfect, beautiful wedding.  The songs during the ceremony all had meaning to the two of them and their lives together thus far, the people they care about the most were there, both family and friends, the bride was breathtaking and the groom was dashing debonair .... as maid of honor I had the unique pleasure of being an integral part of the planning and festivities, and for that I am oh so incredibly thankful.  I love it when two people who are simply SUPPOSED to be together, are exactly that ... together.  It reminds me that some things in life actually do make sense.

Now, in the aftermath of getting back to real, regular life .... no emergency texts from the bride to be with pleas for assistance, no planning to be done, no huge shindig with its music and frivolity to look forward .... how does one find that innate ability to keep going with an upbeat attitude and positive outlook even though there's a bit of nostalgia for the loss of something so grand upcoming?  I'm willing to bet that this happens to everyone reading this.  Be it after a holiday, or a major event, the days following are a bit of a trudging through period attempting to lock into that next great thing upcoming.  It's not always easy, but it always happens.

What if every single day of life could be the next great thing to look forward to?  What if, despite the job stresses, and family stresses, and life stress in general that can't be controlled, what if every single day has something phenomenal in it that you simply have to keep your eyes open for so you don't miss it?  It could be as simple as a warm sunny spring day, or the sight of an unexpected beautiful flower, or a thank you hug from someone you made smile, or an extra 10 to 15 minutes you unexpectedly get to do whatever your heart desires with no regard for anyone else, or a fun note from a friend ..... there are so many positive things out there that can make each day a wonderful experience if only we actively choose to watch for them and appreciate them no matter how small.  Things that we can look forward to.  Every single day.  Even if we don't know what they are until they arrive.  Life's little gifts ..... look around today and take notice.  I bet you'll find something unexpected but wonderful if you try!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Intentions vs. Actions ... The Chicken or The Egg?

Intentions versus actions.  Both can be misconstrued or completely appreciated.  Both can be understood or misunderstood.  Both can be positive or negative.  Both have the power to lift others up into a happier place, or to bring others down into the depths of despair.  Is one more important than the other?

Our intentions tend to drive our actions.  What happens when the intentions don't match the actions in the eyes of others?  Does that mean that our intentions were impure?  The intention to create a surprise for someone we love that will make them happy after a tough day, but the action brings up unknown, unhappy memories from their past that only makes things worse ... the intention to help a friend, but the action causes unintentional grief ... the intention to guide a child in a positive direction, but the action causes them confusion and hurt in the aftermath.  What about the other side?  When someone intends to be hurtful or crass or just plain mean, but the actions only cause laughter and ego-bruising for the person intending to be hurtful ... what happens to intention versus action then?

It's almost a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" question.  The old adage is "actions speak louder than words", but what happens when the actions create an unintended result in either direction?  Should we place more importance on the intention with which the action was undertaken, or the resulting action regardless of the intention?  My personal opinion is that communication to understand the origin of the action is crucial.  It's understandable to feel hurt by an action, but that hurt can be assuaged, or at the least, lessened, by realizing and understanding the intention.  No one is perfect, so what seems to be a plausible action or reaction to one person, might seem unrealistic or inappropriate to another.  All relationships, from co-workers to friends to significant others to life partners, benefit from attempting to understand the intention behind another's actions.  Taking that minute or two to hear someone out instead of jumping to a possibly incorrect conclusion is a key component in any relationship.  I truly believe that.  We may not always understand each other immediately, but our relationships can ultimately stand the test of time with just a little open-mindedness and curiosity of understanding.

I suppose my point is that the intention can definitely be more important than the action taken.  If the intention was pure and positive, then to me, any unintentional, negative results from the actions are ultimately completely forgivable.  If the intentions were mean and horrid, then any unintentional positive results from the actions are ultimately a happy surprise.  Intentions versus Actions ... I don't know if one is truly more powerful than the other, but I'd rather focus on the intent.  To me, it seems an infinitely more important, more telling focus.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Continuation of the Wallet Lessons ....

Many of you know that my wallet was stolen about 2 weeks ago, and that I learned a number of life lessons from reflection upon the experience.  Those lessons have definitely continued!  Through the process of canceling and reordering or replacing all the elements of my life contained in that wallet, I have discovered the following ....

1. There are so many people out there who are wonderful and helpful and willing to empathize. At the grocery store when ID is needed to validate a purchase, but all you have is an expired one because your new one hasn't shown up yet after reordering, or bank customer service spending extra time making sure that the system recognizes your new joint account card, even though you have yet to receive your new passcode, or going to the pharmacy to refill a prescription and the pharmacy tech simply pulls your past information so that you don't have to worry about the insurance cards you haven't received replacement on yet .... restoration of faith in strangers.
2. I am with someone who completely supports, assists, and goes above and beyond even though it may disrupt his life.  The fact that we had to pre-plan so that he got cash out for me so that I could grocery shop or even just basic function for the week and he automatically did without thought, the fact that when my new debit card came in from the bank and wouldn't work correctly he left work to come meet me so that I wasn't stuck at the grocery store and unable to make rehearsal on time, which was his immediate reaction.  No repercussions, no issues, no annoyed sighs or exasperated glances.  Just automatic done.  He's a keeper on so many levels.
3. There are bigger problems in the world out there than searching for the downtrodden jerk who created this issue in the first place.  I watch the news and see people that have been shot, or fires that have been set, or children that have suffered abuse at the hands of those they trusted, or horrible occurrences happening throughout the world ... my issue, while sometimes all-encompassing and definitely stress-making in my life, is far less important in the grand scheme of things than any of these other things.  I have a police report, and, while everything was being reported, I had the total concentration of some really wonderful officers of the law who embodied everything that one would hope for during a time such as that.  Hopefully the person will be caught, but I would fully expect and rather that they focus on the larger problems of the world than my, by comparison, important to me but less important in the big picture issue.

There you are.  Just had to get that out.  Happy Monday to everyone!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Muddled Lessons and A Frog

I was asked to write a narrative about an experience in my life that had taught me an unexpected life lesson.  While the particular lesson in this story didn't truly become "learned" until I had kids of my own, I hope you enjoy the tale from my childhood ....

The life lessons that we teach our children are, sometimes, crystal clear for their meaning and worth, but sometimes those lessons come across about as clear as swamp water. We as parents attempt to teach these lessons purposefully through both words and examples in our own behaviors, we ultimately teach them unintentionally through that which we ourselves say and do on a daily basis, and, upon occasion, we impart lessons through sheer unadulterated accident. The “accidental” lessons tend to have the most muddled meaning to a child initially, even though we may have thought ourselves clear as day.
In the summer of 1976 I was a headstrong, precocious, tomboy of a five year old.  I was not a bad child, and I did listen to and respect my parents, but I had my own ideas about doing things and tended to be fiercely independent, which tended to drive my parents nuts.  At that time we lived in a quiet little neighborhood near the local college on a cul-de-sac street called Nottingham Drive. Things were not as they are today. It was normal to be outside playing with friends from sunup to sundown, and even at five, although I was not allowed to roam about completely alone, I could walk across the street or down the a few houses to a friend's home without worry. I had learned to look both ways, then look both ways again, before crossing the street. I knew that riding my bicycle on the side of the road was okay on our street, but that big wheels were only allowed to be ridden on the sidewalk, as cars will see bikes in their way but not necessarily a low-to-the-ground big wheel. Hopscotch was a favorite game, but the boards were only to be drawn on the sidewalks and driveways, never in the middle of the road. Playing games in the middle of the road was forbidden. I loved animals, but I should only pet and play with the domesticated ones that belonged to people as pets, not the wild birds, squirrels, racoons or rabbits that fascinated me completely, and under no circumstance was I ever to touch a dead wild animal. Period.
One morning I was playing with the twin boys that lived a couple doors down my street.  We had decided to go on a quest, and although I remember putting together a backpack and utilizing a walking stick I do not remember what we were looking for on our so-called quest that particular day.  What I do remember vividly is finding the frog.  It was a rather large frog that had, unfortunately, been flattened by some unsuspecting driver smack in the middle of the road between our houses.  Talk about a dilemma!  We discussed the grave situation at hand, and decided that the best thing to do would be to bury the frog right where it lay in the middle of the street. We were not allowed to touch it to move it, as touching dead animals was forbidden, and it was bigger than our sandbox shovels could handle picking up, even though initially we did attempt that option.  This was not playing in the road.  A proper burial for the poor animal was no game in our minds.  Many bucketfuls of sand from our sandboxes later, the frog was properly covered. That mound of sand that could have rivaled sacred Indian burial mounds. We stood around the grave site, solemnly holding stems of leaves, clover and honeysuckle so as to properly give the frog his final send off.  Just as we were beginning to place our offerings on the grave mound, I heard a yell that made me jump out of my skin. “Shannon Recole Wightman! Get out of that road and in this house NOW!”  Uh oh.  “Just wait till your father gets home!” Even worse. I searched my mind to attempt to figure out what I had done that was so wrong it would deserve the full name yell and the father threat, which filled me with dread as I hid in my room for the final hours until he arrived.
After what seemed like forever, my father opened the door to my room and sat down on my bed, belt in hand. “Do you understand why you're being punished?” he asked. “You're old enough to know better than to play in the middle of a street.”  I was playing?  No I was not. We were conducting a solemn ritual of death, not playing!  I my mind, I knew I was right and this punishment was grossly unfair.  As my father spanked me I began to cry, “But Daddy!  I didn't touch the dead animal!” He finished, hugged me with what I now know to be suppressed laughter that shook him, and walked out my bedroom door.
In the mind of a child, what is considered “playing”, and what is considered an important, solemn event tend to be very different than what constitutes these in the mind of a grown up. Many times when my children were young, I thought back to that episode in my own life in an effort to make the parallel lessons clear to them.  New lesson: if you can't dig a hole to place something in, it is not buried, therefore, do not conduct burials in the middle of a road, even though you may not have touched the dead frog.

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

A Ripple Effect of Choice

There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand.  Some are basic ... I do not understand calculus (nor do I want to), I do not understand the phenomenon that occurs when one straightens & cleans a room, only to turn around 20 minutes later to find it trashed again (this phenomenon generally occurs when children and/or puppy dogs are present, but we won't go there), I do not understand why when you take the time to wash and detail your vehicle, it seems to rain & get it all mucky again within the following 24 hours .... basic stuff.  One of the biggest things I have trouble with, however, is the existence and usage of hate.

Don't get me wrong, I've felt that horrible emotion.  More than once.  It will take you over, raise your blood pressure, and create thoughts in your head of terrible possibilities toward the offending entity that would make the coldest, hardest of criminals blush.  The emotion itself breeds a whole host of other responses that generally seem to include hurtful, damaging speech patterns at the least, and, moving further up the line, underhanded, sometimes clandestine actions, a general lack of thoughts and empathy for anyone or anything else in the world surrounding said entity, lashing out via any channel at one's disposal, and at worst, evil sorts of reactions that would only end up on the evening news or America's Most Wanted.  To embrace any form of this emotion and allow it to control even a portion of your life is something that is one of the most terrible things on earth.  Why would we do this to ourselves?  It doesn't make you feel any better.  In fact, it only makes you feel more stressed, more on edge, more hatred in every ounce of your being.  It's like it multiplies the more you utilize it.

There are people in this world who seem to live by nothing else.  Their actions and words do nothing but create grief and pain in the lives of everything around them, yet they continue to embrace this horrible, evil stance and outlook as if it's a life line that will save them from drowning.  It's so sad and unfortunate.  To spend your life wasting even an ounce of your energy on these negative endeavors ultimately only creates a gnawing, all-encompassing, empty, dark hopeless place within oneself that gets so ingrained it won't dissipate even with the happiest of moments or the brightest of sunshine.  There are wars being fought with hate at their root, simply because of people being narrow-minded in their belief systems & lashing out at those who believe differently.  There are legal battles that ensue, simply because one or both parties can't or won't let go of past hurtful moments between them and fully move forward with their lives.  There are children and spouses that are abused because the abuser has some form of hate inside them from past experience, regret, or fear that creates moments of physically lashing out due to their inability to let go of those past painful moments.  There are animals that are abused because that same hate has led to egotistical power trips in the minds of those doing the abusing. There are those with diseases like eating disorders and alcoholism who turn that hatred to an internal place and lash out at themselves.  It's a horrible, terrible, dark, lonely place to live.  Only when you begin to let go of the emotion, only when you allow yourself to realize that you are the only one in control of your actions and reactions, that you have the power to create happiness around you through positive words and actions instead of the negative ones, that the process of letting go of that all encompassing negativity and replacing it with empathy and kindness, will create an inner peace and light within yourself that can weather any storm or situation, and will transfer itself to everything and everyone around you so that they feel a bit less of that darkness within themselves, only then can you truly see the damage and darkness that hate can spawn like a ripple effect.

Hate.  It's defined in the dictionary as intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.  It ought to be the acronym for Horrible Actions Toward Everything.  Myself, I'm learning to let go of that emotion completely and refocus the intensity on more positive options.  If there's an intense dislike at base level, walking away and removing whatever or whomever it is from my life completely might be possible, or if that is not, then examining why I feel this way so that I might create a positive change for myself in my focus on the person, place, or thing creating the feeling.  Even if it's the actions of another human, do I really want to beat myself up and use every ounce of my energy on ultimately hurting myself with my thoughts, words, and reactions?  Or would my time be better served and my energy put to better use through focusing on positive things I can do, positive changes I can make, and empathy toward the offender who is only hurting themselves with their endeavors?  Instead of the dark, damaging ripple effect of hate, the calmer, brighter ripple effect of empathy, happiness, and peace.  It's not easy to choose the latter option, but I've learned it is worth the effort.  Which ripple effect will you choose?  Think about it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Ripple Effect of Focus

Negativity is defined by Webster as the following: a : lacking positive qualities; especially : disagreeable  b : marked by features of hostility, withdrawal, or pessimism that hinder or oppose constructive treatment or development .  Doesn't sound that great, does it?  Synonyms for the word are adversarial, antagonistic, inhospitable, hostile, unfriendly, & unsympathetic.  None of these sound, or are, pleasant or happy or like anything we would actively want to align ourselves with in any way.  Yet, all of this seems to exist as a main focus in our attitudes and the world around us on a regular basis.  The media tends to focus on anything that will raise a ruckus or cause people to go up in arms, politics are a major offender with every moment filled by partisanship and pointing fingers, many people seem to use social media, such as Facebook & Twitter, as their constant personal venting diary ... why is it that the negative occurrences, the hostile actions, the pessimistic attitudes, and the unsympathetic thoughts are focused on so much more than the positive, kind, friendly ones?

If the media took even one day and focused on only the good deeds of random strangers, the daily positive actions of educators and first responders, the happy dreams realized of anyone who achieves them, instead of giving validity through sensationalism to criminals and the corrupt, what would we think throughout that day?  How might we act and react in daily situations or occurrences?  What might we be inspired to do that day?

If politicians took one week to do nothing but get face to face with those who they represent, and regardless of party affiliation or income level, sat down and truly listened to what's occurring and what's needed in those areas by the people who voted them into office, if they completely ignored party lines or anything driven by monetary gain and simply talked with their constituents and each other, how much would be accomplished?  No campaigning, no promises, just listening and honest conversation.  Would better goals be set that would be more reflective of what's actually needed in our communities?  Would the intention to follow through with those goals be more concrete and the results of those intentions be more effective due to the open, honest communication that only focused on the needs of those represented, and not partisanship or finger pointing?

If everyone who uses social media of any form made a pact to only post positive thoughts, happy occurrences, and non-judgmental opinions for even a day or two, what would we learn about those around us?  What attributes might we glean about others that we'd never realized before?  Would it inspire us?  Make us laugh?  Allow us to feel a bit of happiness with regards to the good fortune of someone else?

The thing about it is this, most of us tend to focus so constantly on that which is wrong, or stressful, or irritating, or depressing, that we can't see, and many times forget, that around us which is Good.  The moment of calming silence after a long tiring day, the sheerly happy smile of a baby or small child, the stranger that immediately assists with picking up the papers someone accidentally dropped, or the phone call from a friend that occurs at the exact moment you needed a friendly voice.  The hug from someone who loves you, the frenzied thrilled greeting from a pet upon your arrival home, the beautiful flower that somehow grew in a not beautiful place, or the feel of your favorite fuzzy blanket wrapped around you on a chilly day.  Happy conversations with friends, a compliment from a coworker, a gesture of goodwill given without thought of returning the favor.  These are the things that our days are made up of.  Even in the middle of stressful situations surrounding work, or school, or homelife, these things exist.  If we focused mainly on them, as opposed to that which upsets or brings us down, would our relationships change?  Would our outlooks and attitudes change?  What about our communities as a whole?

Just thoughts.  It may sound a bit Utopian, but as I sit here this morning, with sleet coming down outside & my entire day annoyingly rerouted and rearranged due to the weather, I think that I shall focus on the fact that the cinnamon spice coffee I'm brewing makes my place smell yummy, and there's a list of things I've been procrastinating about that I can now get done instead of having to rush out, and that an evening snuggled in front of the fireplace watching movies that make me laugh is a splendid thing to look forward to.  Life.  It really can be so much happier if we simply do a bit of adjusting from concentrating on the negative moments, to focusing on the positive ones.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Musings From The Outside Looking In

Just read the most amazing book, "The Celestine Prophecy".  I love fiction that has enough truth in it that it makes you think, question, and reassess. This book did exactly that.

Life has so much constant competition in it. There's the obvious, like sports, and politics, and careers.  Then there's the not so obvious.  Relationships of every kind have their own forms of competition. The child that wants to create their own identity separate from their parents, and the parents that want to mold the child's future in the way they believe is best. The friends that secretly try to ensure they have the prettiest hair or the most fabulous outfit, while outwardly complimenting their counterparts.  The constant push for being heard and understood in a relationship, or simply the battle against unseen outside influences just to keep that relationship alive.  So many of these "competitions" leave us feeling drained, exhausted, and stressed, instead of the happy, fulfilled exuberance that we all ultimately would want out of life.  Why do we tend to push so hard, when those battles create feelings of the exact opposite nature than what we want?

Imagine what life would be like, how our relationships with others would be like, if we focused on empowering everyone around us.  If we strove to listen with both our ears and our eyes to truly comprehend the honest needs of all situations, and then followed through with our actions to compliment that comprehension. How might we act differently, or react differently in basic everyday situations?  Would our relationships with family, with friends, with coworkers, even with passing strangers, become calmer & more positive or productive?  If absolutely everyone operated that way, wouldn't everyone become stronger, feel better, be more empowered on all levels?

I do not subscribe to the idea of a Utopian society, nor do I think that the world is not made better without a variety of opinions and different ways of doing things.  It would be an excruciatingly boring existence if everyone thought and acted the exact same as everyone else.  But if there were less focus on judging, on rooting out the negative, on how "I'm right, so you must be wrong" ..... wouldn't basic daily life be ultimately easier, ultimately better for everyone, regardless of race, creed, or religion?  Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Blips On The Radar

I began writing a vent blog last night out of sheer frustration ... threw it out this morning.  The benefits from a solid night's sleep are amazing.  While the situation in question is still one of immense frustration and annoyance, looking at it through well rested eyes after a cup of great coffee allows me to put it in perspective.  Life's frustrations are simply blips on the radar.  To look at the big picture ... all the other good, positive things that are happening and I'm working on accomplishing, all of those in both the US and worldwide with major trauma and issues so infinitely greater than my own, well, those blips are just blips.  They're there, they're annoying, they can be blinding, and eventually they fade away into oblivion.  The only thing I can do is to focus on what's positive and what I can actually work toward achieving.  I am only responsible for my own actions and reactions ... how others choose to act and react is their own responsibility.  Onward and forward .. today is a fresh start for a new day!

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Daily Jumprope

"Life is like a box of chocolates"
Bullshit.  Life is more like trying to skip double jumprope.  Allow me to explain ....

This particular playground game requires a person on either end of the ropes, who must be able to turn the ropes in unison so that they essentially orbit each other while in motion.  The person, or persons, attempting to jump rope under such conditions must be able to gauge when to run into the center and jump as each rope circles under their feet and avoid hitting the top rope while jumping. Hmmm .... each position requires focus, control, cooperation, and a certain level of trust.  Otherwise, someone gets smacked in the head by a spinning rope ... or in the ankles ... or gets their arm torqued during rotation ..... lots of possible messed up scenarios that end in hurt feelings or injury.  But if everyone works together, if everyone utilizes a bit of focus and physically makes an effort, the game is successful and ultimately fun for all involved.  Sounds a lot like almost any situation in daily life to me!

Goal for each day: Jump, Spin, and Watch for Rogue Ropes  ;)

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Facets of Complication

Complicated.  The word encompasses so many areas of life.  From description of WHO we individually are, to HOW we individually act and react, to circumstances in general.  Looking inside yourself, however, is the most complicated thing of all.  Why do I do the things that I do?  Why do I make the decisions that I make?  Why do I react the way that I react?  Why do I act the way that I act?  Talk about complicated ...... the most complicated of all, however, seems to be the understanding and melding of different ideologies, actions, reactions, and ways of dealing with situations in a relationship.  Take two humans who share a romantic passionate connection, then attempt to achieve understanding from each to the other of how that person thinks, acts and reacts in any given situation, and have each accept the differences without getting their own feelings hurt in some way .... equals in complicated WORK from both parties.

Why are relationships so much work?

In truth, we can think that we are making every effort to be upfront, honest, flexible and understanding in any relationship, but if the other party communicates and/or thinks in a different way, they may not feel that we are putting forth any effort at all.  The delicate balance between what we think and feel we're putting forth regarding effort vs. what someone else thinks or feels we or they are putting forth, vs. the overarching looking at the equation from the outside .... well, things are never quite what they seem in our own heads.  While relationships of all types do require effort, I'm learning that the most important part of that is that all parties put in the effort and that it is recognized by all parties involved.  If it's not recognized that the effort is being made on all fronts ... well, let's just say that it's a recipe for hurt feelings and relationship disaster on every front.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Positive Notes from the Rollercoaster

Sometimes things turn out better than they would originally seem.  Sometimes, even when you feel like the entire world is a sad, lost cause & that the best parts of your life are railing against you, occasionally, things turn themselves around via efforts that you didn't realize were noticed, and become absolutely fabulous.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but let's just say that the past 48 hours have been quite the rollercoaster ride.  But just like a rollercoaster, with drops that take your heart and breath away, paired with climbs to heights that are breathtakingly beautiful, eventually the ride slows down so you can catch your breath, look at the person in the seat beside you, & achieve the realization that the calmness after the adrenaline rush is an unequivocally beautiful thing.  Right now, I'm sitting beside a beautiful fire by candlelight, after an almost perfect day of friends, family, children, happy wishes and notes from so many I care about, and magical moments with someone incredibly important and dear to me.  Life may not be easy, or perfect every moment, but its ups and downs that sometimes resemble that death defying rollercoaster, do make the moments that are happy and wonderful and fulfilling so much more beyond words gratifingly phenomenal.  Even the tearful moments create a deep appreciation for the happy possibilities when they occur. 
Sometimes things turn out better than they would originally seem.  I don't think I would change one thing.  :)

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Birthday to Me! :)
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Learning to Dance in the Rain

There's a saying that I've been thinking of lately: "Life isn't just about learning to weather the storms.  It's about learning to dance in the rain."  The more I think about that adage, the more it seems to make sense. The general advice given by well-meaning friends and family to someone going through rough times is to "stay strong", or "chin up", or "nothing lasts forever".  They want us to be the happy, positive person that they know we can be, as opposed to the sad, depressed, upset, wallowing mess that we become under intense circumstancial duress.

There's a scene in the movie Forrest Gump where the character Lieutenant Dan is in the crow's nest of the shrimp boat during a hurricane.  He's screaming at the storm, laughing at the storm, defying the intensity of the storm that would cause most of us to run for cover or cower in fear.  Now that may not be "dancing in the rain" ala Gene Kelly, but in my book it's similar.  Dancing seems to be a subjective verb that's open to interpretation.

Sometimes the "storms" in life aren't so much huge hurricanes that arrive, end, and leave us to make sense of the levels of perceived disaster left in their wake.  Sometimes the "storms" are seemingly constant squalls that feel like they're beginning to let up & give us some peace, but then another one hits, and another, and another, so that it doesn't ever seem that we're given a chance to truly breathe and move beyond the pain of the ones before.  To truly begin to enjoy that sunshine and calm that happens after an intense storm.  In the movie, Forrest and Lieutenant Dan are catapulted into a successful business thanks to that hurricane and their tenacity in not going back to port to hide from it.  It's not so simple to find the proverbial rainbow after the weathering of, or "dancing" in the rain of all of life's storms.  When it seems that everytime you find the strength to begin to get back up and put a smile on your face to handle life, another one hits to knock you back to your knees .... well, those rainbows don't appear through the clouds in a very apparent fashion. 

The thing about it is, all of those moments of circumstancial duress are not always random storms that appear and wreak havoc without our input.  Ultimately, our own decisions bring us to find almost every so-called storm.  Some of them are simply life passage storms, like the death of someone we chose to love, the breakup of a relationship we chose to be in, the leaving home of a child we chose to have.  Those seem intensely sad while going through, but the rainbows afterwards are easy to discern when we eventually look for them.  Some of them are more definitively our own doing in bringing the onset of, like financial issues or legal trouble.  Some of them, while ultimately tracing back to decisions we've made, aren't as easy to admit they're at least partially of our own making, like recovering from various diseases or addictions or injuries ..... so the "dancing" could really be confronting and embracing the pain in whatever form.  Not just cowering from it or attempting to ignore it until it's buried so deep it feels like it's gone, but truly facing it head on and embracing its existence so that it can ultimately be understood and moved beyond.  Dancing in the rain, embracing the rain, understanding the rain, accepting the rain ...... moving beyond the rain.  Synonyms?  Maybe if we didn't pigeonhole the verb dancing, the rainbows, or at least a bit of sunshine, would be easier to find in life.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress