Lessons of Life, Learned From Our Children

Today was National Daughter's Day. That which we learn from our children is so much more than anything we learn about life in any other fashion, so I thought I'd list a Top 6 Life Lessons that my daughter has taught me.

1. Living isn't about you.
From the moment she was born, life and its daily living has been about many other entities than other than myself. From her, to her friends & activities, to simply developing a higher level of empathy for the world surrounding us ... what's important in the world is way more than the space we ourselves exist in.

2. The little stuff matters most.
From crayon drawings, to noticing birds & butterflies, to the interesting shapes that clouds become, the little things in life have the ability to bring the utmost wonder and joy. Appreciation of them makes every day better.

3. Find happiness in the mundane.
As adults, we don't think of our jobs or daily chores as something to rejoice over. Yet, in the eyes of a child, that copier with all the bells and whistles, or the class that you're teaching, or the aura of watching a show you're working on from the stage wings, are the coolest, most incredible smiling moments of the day. Embrace and find awe in what we, as grown ups, find the most normal and boring.

4. Accept everyone.
Kids are colorblind, gender blind, and generally accepting of everyone regardless of race, gender, or creed. I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten, she came home to inform me that she had a new friend. I asked her what her friend was like. She responded that she was fun, funny, intelligent, had black hair, & brown skin. If we all looked at personality traits first, then attributed physical traits to the colors in the crayon box, we might all be a lot less pre-judgemental and a lot more accepting.

5. Physical capabilities have no bearing on the awesomeness of the person.
My daughter became heavily involved in volunteering with special needs children while in middle school. Seeing her work with them, and watching the joy and growth that they achieved just by being allowed to be themselves without judgement or preconceived notions was awe inspiring. The simple act of treating every person, no matter who they are, as an equal brings out the best in everyone.

6. The unknown can be better than anything you dreamed up previously.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was on track to begin a dance career with Paramount. I have never once regretted changing course. The precious moments I've experienced, and the things that I've learned with her, are worth multiple lifetimes of anything I could have done on my own otherwise. Period.

If you have kids, love, adore, appreciate, and learn from them everyday. They truly are a blessing and gift from the greatest of higher powers. If you don't have them, know that if and when you do, your life will irrevocably change for the better. Even if they're someone else's children that you simply are a caregiver for, or mentor to, the daily moments and lessons are the most fantastic you'll ever have the good fortune to learn. Embrace it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Polite Bully

Do you ever feel invisible? Not literally, of course, but as if the only way that you can be seen by the world is by morphing yourself, your actions, and your attitude, into whatever those around you need in that particular moment, or, only seen as the person that you acted like prior to any level of personal growth? It's maddening, it's frustrating, and it can make you want to shriek, or go crazy in some way, or sink into any form of depression, or all of the above.

I think back to when I was a kid, attempting to determine my place in the world around me. Keep in mind, that I was raised as a Southern girl, which essentially means that I learned how to make someone feel like they were being complimented and cared for while I was telling them off, at a fairly young age. If that sounds wrong or confusing, don't worry, it is for those of us that were raised that way too! Always smile, always be pleasant, whether you're shaking someone's hand, or cursing them out. No wonder therapists have such a solid business ... instead of saying what we truly think and acting in the manner that corresponds, we've been trained to articulate and act in ways that are opposite to what we really think and feel!

Which brings me to my point, we preach to kids to "stop the bullying", but as adults, we engage in exactly that, on a daily basis. Lawyers push their clients and badger their opponents, bankers do the same with finances, salespeople do it with whomever steps into their establishment and looks mildly interested, teachers do so upon occasion in an effort to meld the minds of their students, even as parents we tend to engage in those same narrow-minded tactics to attempt to ensure our children grow up with a similar mindset to ours ... all in the name of "what's right" or "what's best". Why? What's so wrong with people growing, changing, learning, morphing, becoming their own individualistic persons with their own individualistic thoughts and feelings, and having the ability to show those feelings in a way that corresponds appropriately to their verbalization of them? What's wrong with not just giving speaking time to the adage "people change", but actively accepting that they do and letting what is in the past stay in the past, not using it as a judgement tactic in the present? What's wrong with allowing everyone to be exactly who they are and to feel whatever they feel in the immediate moment that it occurs? No judgment, no recriminations, no preconceptions, simply acceptance and a knowledge that even if we don't truly understand or agree, that we can appreciate and empathize with their feelings and points of view.

Honestly, as far as I can tell, the only way that bullying with children will completely cease, is if the adults stop doing it to each other, and ourselves, first.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Continuation of the Wallet Lessons ....

Many of you know that my wallet was stolen about 2 weeks ago, and that I learned a number of life lessons from reflection upon the experience.  Those lessons have definitely continued!  Through the process of canceling and reordering or replacing all the elements of my life contained in that wallet, I have discovered the following ....

1. There are so many people out there who are wonderful and helpful and willing to empathize. At the grocery store when ID is needed to validate a purchase, but all you have is an expired one because your new one hasn't shown up yet after reordering, or bank customer service spending extra time making sure that the system recognizes your new joint account card, even though you have yet to receive your new passcode, or going to the pharmacy to refill a prescription and the pharmacy tech simply pulls your past information so that you don't have to worry about the insurance cards you haven't received replacement on yet .... restoration of faith in strangers.
2. I am with someone who completely supports, assists, and goes above and beyond even though it may disrupt his life.  The fact that we had to pre-plan so that he got cash out for me so that I could grocery shop or even just basic function for the week and he automatically did without thought, the fact that when my new debit card came in from the bank and wouldn't work correctly he left work to come meet me so that I wasn't stuck at the grocery store and unable to make rehearsal on time, which was his immediate reaction.  No repercussions, no issues, no annoyed sighs or exasperated glances.  Just automatic done.  He's a keeper on so many levels.
3. There are bigger problems in the world out there than searching for the downtrodden jerk who created this issue in the first place.  I watch the news and see people that have been shot, or fires that have been set, or children that have suffered abuse at the hands of those they trusted, or horrible occurrences happening throughout the world ... my issue, while sometimes all-encompassing and definitely stress-making in my life, is far less important in the grand scheme of things than any of these other things.  I have a police report, and, while everything was being reported, I had the total concentration of some really wonderful officers of the law who embodied everything that one would hope for during a time such as that.  Hopefully the person will be caught, but I would fully expect and rather that they focus on the larger problems of the world than my, by comparison, important to me but less important in the big picture issue.

There you are.  Just had to get that out.  Happy Monday to everyone!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Muddled Lessons and A Frog

I was asked to write a narrative about an experience in my life that had taught me an unexpected life lesson.  While the particular lesson in this story didn't truly become "learned" until I had kids of my own, I hope you enjoy the tale from my childhood ....

The life lessons that we teach our children are, sometimes, crystal clear for their meaning and worth, but sometimes those lessons come across about as clear as swamp water. We as parents attempt to teach these lessons purposefully through both words and examples in our own behaviors, we ultimately teach them unintentionally through that which we ourselves say and do on a daily basis, and, upon occasion, we impart lessons through sheer unadulterated accident. The “accidental” lessons tend to have the most muddled meaning to a child initially, even though we may have thought ourselves clear as day.
In the summer of 1976 I was a headstrong, precocious, tomboy of a five year old.  I was not a bad child, and I did listen to and respect my parents, but I had my own ideas about doing things and tended to be fiercely independent, which tended to drive my parents nuts.  At that time we lived in a quiet little neighborhood near the local college on a cul-de-sac street called Nottingham Drive. Things were not as they are today. It was normal to be outside playing with friends from sunup to sundown, and even at five, although I was not allowed to roam about completely alone, I could walk across the street or down the a few houses to a friend's home without worry. I had learned to look both ways, then look both ways again, before crossing the street. I knew that riding my bicycle on the side of the road was okay on our street, but that big wheels were only allowed to be ridden on the sidewalk, as cars will see bikes in their way but not necessarily a low-to-the-ground big wheel. Hopscotch was a favorite game, but the boards were only to be drawn on the sidewalks and driveways, never in the middle of the road. Playing games in the middle of the road was forbidden. I loved animals, but I should only pet and play with the domesticated ones that belonged to people as pets, not the wild birds, squirrels, racoons or rabbits that fascinated me completely, and under no circumstance was I ever to touch a dead wild animal. Period.
One morning I was playing with the twin boys that lived a couple doors down my street.  We had decided to go on a quest, and although I remember putting together a backpack and utilizing a walking stick I do not remember what we were looking for on our so-called quest that particular day.  What I do remember vividly is finding the frog.  It was a rather large frog that had, unfortunately, been flattened by some unsuspecting driver smack in the middle of the road between our houses.  Talk about a dilemma!  We discussed the grave situation at hand, and decided that the best thing to do would be to bury the frog right where it lay in the middle of the street. We were not allowed to touch it to move it, as touching dead animals was forbidden, and it was bigger than our sandbox shovels could handle picking up, even though initially we did attempt that option.  This was not playing in the road.  A proper burial for the poor animal was no game in our minds.  Many bucketfuls of sand from our sandboxes later, the frog was properly covered. That mound of sand that could have rivaled sacred Indian burial mounds. We stood around the grave site, solemnly holding stems of leaves, clover and honeysuckle so as to properly give the frog his final send off.  Just as we were beginning to place our offerings on the grave mound, I heard a yell that made me jump out of my skin. “Shannon Recole Wightman! Get out of that road and in this house NOW!”  Uh oh.  “Just wait till your father gets home!” Even worse. I searched my mind to attempt to figure out what I had done that was so wrong it would deserve the full name yell and the father threat, which filled me with dread as I hid in my room for the final hours until he arrived.
After what seemed like forever, my father opened the door to my room and sat down on my bed, belt in hand. “Do you understand why you're being punished?” he asked. “You're old enough to know better than to play in the middle of a street.”  I was playing?  No I was not. We were conducting a solemn ritual of death, not playing!  I my mind, I knew I was right and this punishment was grossly unfair.  As my father spanked me I began to cry, “But Daddy!  I didn't touch the dead animal!” He finished, hugged me with what I now know to be suppressed laughter that shook him, and walked out my bedroom door.
In the mind of a child, what is considered “playing”, and what is considered an important, solemn event tend to be very different than what constitutes these in the mind of a grown up. Many times when my children were young, I thought back to that episode in my own life in an effort to make the parallel lessons clear to them.  New lesson: if you can't dig a hole to place something in, it is not buried, therefore, do not conduct burials in the middle of a road, even though you may not have touched the dead frog.

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

Bullying By Example

Bullying.  There's a large movement to increase awareness & prevent bullying with kids & adolescents. I agree with it wholeheartedly. Children, however, tend to learn most effectively by example.  Let's face it.  The examples being set by the grownups in society are not exactly stellar in the effort against bullying. Give those tactics a different name, & all of a sudden it's okay & accepted. Not exactly conducive to learning by example.

Many managers & executives in the business arena govern their employees with threats, ultimatums, & constant micromanagement fear of pay cuts or job loss. This is usually known as "management styles" or "business tactics". 
Some lawyers, aka "Ambulance Chasers", make their living seeking out clients for lawsuits of any kind in an effort to exhort money, create mistrust, & dissolve relationships, while divorcing spouses & their lawyers use everything from past settled arguments to threats of withholding property and, at most damaging, the children themselves, in an attempt to achieve each of their outcomes, without thought for the cost to others involved.  This tends to be referred to as "the Justice System". 
The salesman that pressures customers to purchase that which they may not really need or want (Sales Tactics).  The governments that sanction or retaliate against other governments for not operating the same as their own (International Policy).  The religious groups that condone violence against others due to a difference in beliefs or ways of living (Religious Right).  No matter how it's spun, these are examples of bullying at the grownup level.

Now think about how all of the aforementioned appears to a child. If the supposed adults in charge use pressure, coercion, & threats in a variety of forms to achieve their goals daily, what should we really expect them to take away from those examples?  What are they truly learning by example? It would seem, until the grownups figure out how to conduct themselves in a more accepting, empathetic, less subversive manner, the problem of childhood bullying will continue to be an issue across the board.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress