Cha-cha-cha-Changes

Life is a myriad of colors, shapes, situations, and perceptions.  At the risk of sounding totally "new age", like the ocean tides that constantly ebb and flow, the only thing we can truly count on is constant change, and the only thing that we can truly control is our actions and reactions with regards to it.

Change is not necessarily a bad thing.  The layoff from a job that's a hardcore stress point for the person offers the opportunity to find a career that's more fulfilling, the breakup of a relationship that's a negative influence in someone's life offers the opportunity to learn oneself and open themselves up to a supportive, positive relationship, the growth and flight forward into adulthood of a child from the nest of the home that has nurtured them through childhood offers them the opportunity to grow towards every ounce of potential that child has in themselves .. all of these changes, while initially scary for the individual experiencing them, have the potential to be positive ones. 

To be honest, regardless of potential, change is always unnerving.  Sometimes it's titillatingly scary, sometimes it's just plain nightmare level terrifying, but it's always some level of life driven scare tactic.  Over the past year I personally have gone through life changes on multiple levels.  From engaged and living with my fiancée to single and living alone, from in a relationship and stressed out to single and happy, from feeling secure about life to feeling secure about nothing.  The old adage is that whatever higher power you believe in doesn't give you anything you can't actually handle.  Malarky.  That may ultimately be true, but to be honest, I've had multiple moments over the past year of not feeling like I can handle getting out of bed to handle anything, much less what some omnipotent being thinks I can pull off! 

Change in general tends to bring about a combination of fear, excitement, misgiving, self-doubt, worry, anticipation, happiness, terror, nostalgia, melancholy, and exhilaration.  It's kind of like what Ron says in "Order of the Phoenix", "one person can't feel all of that .. they'd explode!"  Yet we don't explode.  We somehow plod through.  I suppose my point is this.  While I truly believe that each of us is put on this earth to learn specific lessons and to live our lives for a specific purpose, most of us (me included) are generally so busy focusing on daily minutia that we forget to pay attention to all of that. All we really tend to pay attention to are the situations occurring immediately in front of us, when what we really need to pay attention to, are the ramifications of those same situations and how we could use those moments to move forward in a positive manner.

A friend of mine recently told me that he wakes up each day with the goal to accomplish something, laugh at something, and learn something.  At base level for daily life, shouldn't that be the goal of all of us, regardless of whatever changes life throws our way?  A positive mantra to utilize for your next waking moment.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life as a Philosophical Seussism

Dr. Seuss was a Master Philosopher.  I firmly believe this.  All you have to do is read even slightly between the lines of his, on the surface, nonsensical writing style, or take a look at any of his many famous quotes, and the truth is absolutely there.

Consider the quote, "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."  While I feel like I need to write this as a reminder at the top of every physics exam page, it is also quite true for most of life.  We overthink, and stress about, and complicate so much of our daily occurrences. If we were to, instead, take a deep breath, step back, and truly look at the entire picture, then focus on the solution, might not the best answer be the simplist one possible?

What about the phrase from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish? "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"  No.  Joke.  From children, to pets, to random humans in the grocery or on the street, to the silly stupid jokes shared with those closest to you, there is almost always something out there to laugh at .... including yourself!

Another, would be from The Lorax, "It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become."  This one I believe to be true for both good and bad, positive and negative, truths and lies, and everything in-between.  Think about it.  All things are what they are, and are exactly what they are in the way that one sees, interprets, and applies them.  They begin as they exactly are, and become whatever we turn them into.  Ponder that one.

The quote that I deep down believe was a political statement (well hidden) is from The Cat In The Hat.  "And this mess is so big, and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up, there is no way at all!"  That one, politically, speaks for itself (in my opinion).

My personal favorite, that I tend to revert to like a mantra whenever I'm stressed out or hurt by other people in life is a quote that's not from one of his books.  It goes like this, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready, you see.  Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"  Best.  Empowering.  Quote.  Ever.

There are literally THOUSANDS of quotes and passages from Dr. Suess's books and lifetime that would apply to my life, your life, and the life of everyone and everything on this planet in almost any situation or scenario.  Here is a link if you want to look at more of them: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/61105.Dr_Seuss

Until next time, try to remember as you go forward in your day the immortal, philosophical words "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)"


~ The Girl In The LIttle Black Dress (with assistance from Dr. Seuss)

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Muddled Lessons and A Frog

I was asked to write a narrative about an experience in my life that had taught me an unexpected life lesson.  While the particular lesson in this story didn't truly become "learned" until I had kids of my own, I hope you enjoy the tale from my childhood ....

The life lessons that we teach our children are, sometimes, crystal clear for their meaning and worth, but sometimes those lessons come across about as clear as swamp water. We as parents attempt to teach these lessons purposefully through both words and examples in our own behaviors, we ultimately teach them unintentionally through that which we ourselves say and do on a daily basis, and, upon occasion, we impart lessons through sheer unadulterated accident. The “accidental” lessons tend to have the most muddled meaning to a child initially, even though we may have thought ourselves clear as day.
In the summer of 1976 I was a headstrong, precocious, tomboy of a five year old.  I was not a bad child, and I did listen to and respect my parents, but I had my own ideas about doing things and tended to be fiercely independent, which tended to drive my parents nuts.  At that time we lived in a quiet little neighborhood near the local college on a cul-de-sac street called Nottingham Drive. Things were not as they are today. It was normal to be outside playing with friends from sunup to sundown, and even at five, although I was not allowed to roam about completely alone, I could walk across the street or down the a few houses to a friend's home without worry. I had learned to look both ways, then look both ways again, before crossing the street. I knew that riding my bicycle on the side of the road was okay on our street, but that big wheels were only allowed to be ridden on the sidewalk, as cars will see bikes in their way but not necessarily a low-to-the-ground big wheel. Hopscotch was a favorite game, but the boards were only to be drawn on the sidewalks and driveways, never in the middle of the road. Playing games in the middle of the road was forbidden. I loved animals, but I should only pet and play with the domesticated ones that belonged to people as pets, not the wild birds, squirrels, racoons or rabbits that fascinated me completely, and under no circumstance was I ever to touch a dead wild animal. Period.
One morning I was playing with the twin boys that lived a couple doors down my street.  We had decided to go on a quest, and although I remember putting together a backpack and utilizing a walking stick I do not remember what we were looking for on our so-called quest that particular day.  What I do remember vividly is finding the frog.  It was a rather large frog that had, unfortunately, been flattened by some unsuspecting driver smack in the middle of the road between our houses.  Talk about a dilemma!  We discussed the grave situation at hand, and decided that the best thing to do would be to bury the frog right where it lay in the middle of the street. We were not allowed to touch it to move it, as touching dead animals was forbidden, and it was bigger than our sandbox shovels could handle picking up, even though initially we did attempt that option.  This was not playing in the road.  A proper burial for the poor animal was no game in our minds.  Many bucketfuls of sand from our sandboxes later, the frog was properly covered. That mound of sand that could have rivaled sacred Indian burial mounds. We stood around the grave site, solemnly holding stems of leaves, clover and honeysuckle so as to properly give the frog his final send off.  Just as we were beginning to place our offerings on the grave mound, I heard a yell that made me jump out of my skin. “Shannon Recole Wightman! Get out of that road and in this house NOW!”  Uh oh.  “Just wait till your father gets home!” Even worse. I searched my mind to attempt to figure out what I had done that was so wrong it would deserve the full name yell and the father threat, which filled me with dread as I hid in my room for the final hours until he arrived.
After what seemed like forever, my father opened the door to my room and sat down on my bed, belt in hand. “Do you understand why you're being punished?” he asked. “You're old enough to know better than to play in the middle of a street.”  I was playing?  No I was not. We were conducting a solemn ritual of death, not playing!  I my mind, I knew I was right and this punishment was grossly unfair.  As my father spanked me I began to cry, “But Daddy!  I didn't touch the dead animal!” He finished, hugged me with what I now know to be suppressed laughter that shook him, and walked out my bedroom door.
In the mind of a child, what is considered “playing”, and what is considered an important, solemn event tend to be very different than what constitutes these in the mind of a grown up. Many times when my children were young, I thought back to that episode in my own life in an effort to make the parallel lessons clear to them.  New lesson: if you can't dig a hole to place something in, it is not buried, therefore, do not conduct burials in the middle of a road, even though you may not have touched the dead frog.

~ The Girl In the Little Black Dress

A Ripple Effect of Choice

There are a lot of things in this world that I do not understand.  Some are basic ... I do not understand calculus (nor do I want to), I do not understand the phenomenon that occurs when one straightens & cleans a room, only to turn around 20 minutes later to find it trashed again (this phenomenon generally occurs when children and/or puppy dogs are present, but we won't go there), I do not understand why when you take the time to wash and detail your vehicle, it seems to rain & get it all mucky again within the following 24 hours .... basic stuff.  One of the biggest things I have trouble with, however, is the existence and usage of hate.

Don't get me wrong, I've felt that horrible emotion.  More than once.  It will take you over, raise your blood pressure, and create thoughts in your head of terrible possibilities toward the offending entity that would make the coldest, hardest of criminals blush.  The emotion itself breeds a whole host of other responses that generally seem to include hurtful, damaging speech patterns at the least, and, moving further up the line, underhanded, sometimes clandestine actions, a general lack of thoughts and empathy for anyone or anything else in the world surrounding said entity, lashing out via any channel at one's disposal, and at worst, evil sorts of reactions that would only end up on the evening news or America's Most Wanted.  To embrace any form of this emotion and allow it to control even a portion of your life is something that is one of the most terrible things on earth.  Why would we do this to ourselves?  It doesn't make you feel any better.  In fact, it only makes you feel more stressed, more on edge, more hatred in every ounce of your being.  It's like it multiplies the more you utilize it.

There are people in this world who seem to live by nothing else.  Their actions and words do nothing but create grief and pain in the lives of everything around them, yet they continue to embrace this horrible, evil stance and outlook as if it's a life line that will save them from drowning.  It's so sad and unfortunate.  To spend your life wasting even an ounce of your energy on these negative endeavors ultimately only creates a gnawing, all-encompassing, empty, dark hopeless place within oneself that gets so ingrained it won't dissipate even with the happiest of moments or the brightest of sunshine.  There are wars being fought with hate at their root, simply because of people being narrow-minded in their belief systems & lashing out at those who believe differently.  There are legal battles that ensue, simply because one or both parties can't or won't let go of past hurtful moments between them and fully move forward with their lives.  There are children and spouses that are abused because the abuser has some form of hate inside them from past experience, regret, or fear that creates moments of physically lashing out due to their inability to let go of those past painful moments.  There are animals that are abused because that same hate has led to egotistical power trips in the minds of those doing the abusing. There are those with diseases like eating disorders and alcoholism who turn that hatred to an internal place and lash out at themselves.  It's a horrible, terrible, dark, lonely place to live.  Only when you begin to let go of the emotion, only when you allow yourself to realize that you are the only one in control of your actions and reactions, that you have the power to create happiness around you through positive words and actions instead of the negative ones, that the process of letting go of that all encompassing negativity and replacing it with empathy and kindness, will create an inner peace and light within yourself that can weather any storm or situation, and will transfer itself to everything and everyone around you so that they feel a bit less of that darkness within themselves, only then can you truly see the damage and darkness that hate can spawn like a ripple effect.

Hate.  It's defined in the dictionary as intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.  It ought to be the acronym for Horrible Actions Toward Everything.  Myself, I'm learning to let go of that emotion completely and refocus the intensity on more positive options.  If there's an intense dislike at base level, walking away and removing whatever or whomever it is from my life completely might be possible, or if that is not, then examining why I feel this way so that I might create a positive change for myself in my focus on the person, place, or thing creating the feeling.  Even if it's the actions of another human, do I really want to beat myself up and use every ounce of my energy on ultimately hurting myself with my thoughts, words, and reactions?  Or would my time be better served and my energy put to better use through focusing on positive things I can do, positive changes I can make, and empathy toward the offender who is only hurting themselves with their endeavors?  Instead of the dark, damaging ripple effect of hate, the calmer, brighter ripple effect of empathy, happiness, and peace.  It's not easy to choose the latter option, but I've learned it is worth the effort.  Which ripple effect will you choose?  Think about it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Musings From The Outside Looking In

Just read the most amazing book, "The Celestine Prophecy".  I love fiction that has enough truth in it that it makes you think, question, and reassess. This book did exactly that.

Life has so much constant competition in it. There's the obvious, like sports, and politics, and careers.  Then there's the not so obvious.  Relationships of every kind have their own forms of competition. The child that wants to create their own identity separate from their parents, and the parents that want to mold the child's future in the way they believe is best. The friends that secretly try to ensure they have the prettiest hair or the most fabulous outfit, while outwardly complimenting their counterparts.  The constant push for being heard and understood in a relationship, or simply the battle against unseen outside influences just to keep that relationship alive.  So many of these "competitions" leave us feeling drained, exhausted, and stressed, instead of the happy, fulfilled exuberance that we all ultimately would want out of life.  Why do we tend to push so hard, when those battles create feelings of the exact opposite nature than what we want?

Imagine what life would be like, how our relationships with others would be like, if we focused on empowering everyone around us.  If we strove to listen with both our ears and our eyes to truly comprehend the honest needs of all situations, and then followed through with our actions to compliment that comprehension. How might we act differently, or react differently in basic everyday situations?  Would our relationships with family, with friends, with coworkers, even with passing strangers, become calmer & more positive or productive?  If absolutely everyone operated that way, wouldn't everyone become stronger, feel better, be more empowered on all levels?

I do not subscribe to the idea of a Utopian society, nor do I think that the world is not made better without a variety of opinions and different ways of doing things.  It would be an excruciatingly boring existence if everyone thought and acted the exact same as everyone else.  But if there were less focus on judging, on rooting out the negative, on how "I'm right, so you must be wrong" ..... wouldn't basic daily life be ultimately easier, ultimately better for everyone, regardless of race, creed, or religion?  Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress