Primary School Lessons from the Cohen Hearings

After watching the first part of the Cohen hearing today, I felt the need to turn it off and do a negativity cleanse throughout my house. Seriously. It wasn't Cohen's testimony that caused me to react that way, although his testimony did cause me to have quite a few moments of thinking "oh holy crap!" It was the methods of posturing questioning by the House Representatives that really made it sickening. They, for the most part, conducted themselves like overly verbose primary school bullies desperately intent on taking a classmate's lunch money. The entire spectacle brought to mind the book "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten", mainly because I felt like everyone involved could benefit from reading it! On second thought, that book and a refresher course in basic manners!

If You Don't Listen You Won't Learn.

The constant interrupting and lack of ability to allow Cohen to answer any question that had just been asked was a tactic utilized by the majority of the representatives that was annoying, disheartening, and frankly, just rude. Why bother asking a question if you don't intend to listen to the answer? Furthermore, if anyone plans to get to the bottom of this quagmire, the ability to listen to the answers given to those questions is absolutely necessary. Cohen may have a questionably horrible reputation when it comes to being trustworthy in testimony, but he has more long term inside information on the situation than every other person in that room. Everyone might just learn something helpful if they all simply shut up and listened.

Don't Take Things That Aren't Yours. / Keep Your Hands to Yourself

This goes for Congress, Michael Cohen, the President's son, and most importantly, President Trump himself. No matter whether it's money, pictures, or documents, turns, words, ideas, or actions. If it isn't yours, do not touch it. Not only don't touch it, don't gossip about it, don't pretend untruthful involvement with it; just leave whatever it is that is not yours completely alone and quietly move away from it. Period. Most of the problems that brought about this hearing, in addition to the ones that occurred during the debacle of the hearing itself, could have been avoided if those simple rules had been adhered to in the first place.

Don't Be a Bully

Really don't know how much I need to elaborate here as politics seems to be the biggest bullying ring of all, especially since the supreme leader of bullying, Donald Trump, is currently the ultimate bully king! It's the worst version of trickle down effect ever known. Do these people go home and instruct their children on how to behave respectfully? If so, the hypocrisy is unequivocal. A little kindness and respect towards others goes a long way towards achieving any goal. Every person involved in this hearing in any way should try it sometime.

These are basic lessons that we attempt to instill in our children, yet put adults in a televised hearing circumstance and those same lessons seem to fly out the window. It's unfortunate, disheartening, and quite honestly, pathetic. The truth will never come out if posturing for the cameras is more important than actually discovering the truth. If a mulligan was ever needed, this is it.  One thing is for certain, if the lack of respect towards procedure and each other is any indication of how these people are attempting to represent the citizens of the country, our future is anything but secure.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Awe of Glittering Snow

It snowed all over North Carolina in December this year. Not just flurries and a bit of sugar dusting on the grassy areas, but real, actual snow accumulation. Not the norm in this area of the U.S. This impromptu storm (named Diego ... when did snowstorms start getting names?!) brought about government and school closings, treacherous roadways, and power outages. It also brought about community bonding, random assistance from neighbors and strangers, and the pure joyfulness of children's laughter ringing through the air as they took part in winter activities that normally never have a chance of occurring in the south. Positive light born from what could be viewed as catastrophe.

No matter where you live, there is something completely magical about watching snow fall. Its incredible asymmetry is breathtaking. There's a majestic quiet that's completely inspiring as millions of snowflakes drift to the ground and cover every inch in a chilly, sparkling white cloud. What before was browns and greens, with areas of dirt or litter, instantly becomes a purified vision of beauty. Eventually though, temperatures rise and the glittering snow begins to melt away. Slowly the blades of grass and areas of dirt and concrete begin to show through the purification of white. Eventually, no trace of the pristine gorgeousness remains, save our photos and memories.

Politics and humanity are similar in this phenomenon. A crisis, a catastrophe, a hardcore event occurs and the positive side of humanity is brought out. Communities worldwide bond, strangers assist those in need, and even children rejoice and take part in the positive that is born from the negative. Eventually though, recognition of the issue dies down, neighbors and strangers go back to their own sequestered lives and again turn a blind eye to injustices that occur daily, and the sense of hope and humanity that thrived during the the crisis begins to subside. But does it have to?

Just like those last sugar dustings of snow that refuse to melt away, so should our hopes, senses of empathy, and gifts of giving wholeheartedly to those who need our help. Just because the blinding, adrenaline-laced sparkle of catastrophic need eventually melts away doesn't mean that the requirement is not still there. That litter on the ground, like the needs of humanity, that was hidden by the previous glittering blanket of snow still needs to be cleaned up, to be assisted in becoming the epitome of quiet beauty and peace that only previously existed under a glittering blanket of snowflakes.

Maybe we could all strive to hang on to those charitable, giving ideals year-round. Not just during this, the season of giving, but throughout every season. Just like those final little patches of snow that refuse to melt, we too have the ability to create a glittering world of quiet beauty in someone else's life, if only we make sure those magic qualities of empathy and giving stay alive all year long.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

"Wrinkles" In Politics and Humanity

Recently, I finally got the chance to watch A Wrinkle In Time.  Don't judge.  It was one of my favorite books when I was a pre-teen.  I remember sitting in the school library, immersed in that book, thinking to myself, 'if Meg can do it, so can I!'  That book gave me confidence, courage, and hope during an extremely difficult time in my childhood.  Watching that movie brought back memories .. not all of them wonderful.  However, it also brought to light parts of the story that I had forgotten, or maybe just not understood due to my youth. Parts of the story that, I feel, are truly relevant to life and the current political climate.

For those of you unfamiliar with the basis of the story, Meg is the preteen, self-doubting heroine that travels through space and time with her genius preschool brother, and their neighborhood friend, to save their scientist father who has been missing for many years.  The pretense is that travel between far areas of the universe is, in fact, able to be done by tesseract (which is a sort of bending of time by specific vibration).  Meg's father had discovered this and accidentally gotten trapped on a dark planet, created by an evil force called 'The IT', from whence there was no seemable escape ... until his children come to save him.  Obviously, there are many more intricacies that are too numerous to go into in this blog .. (go watch the movie!) .. however, the manner in which the screenplay depicted the three muses, and their assistance tactics within the children's quest was wonderfully hopeful and enlightening for our current world.

I find it intrinsically fascinating that the name of the 'planet' created by 'The IT', is 'Camazotz'.  The planet Camazotz initially appears in the movie with a menacing growl and the far off appearance of a cancerous tumor spreading its tentacles. Interestingly enough, the name 'Camazotz' is the name of the Mayan bat god associated with darkness, death, and sacrifice.  How apropos that the core of the evil force in this tale should be named after that. 
One of the muses in A Wrinkle In Time, Mrs. Which, counsels Meg that "The only thing in the universe that travels faster than light is darkness.  It invades the place inside of us where hope and joy lives and replaces it with jealousy, judgement, pain and despair."  Additionally, she notes that, "The IT does this one person at a time .. fear takes over, fear leads to rage, then rage leads to violence."  So jealousy, judgement, pain, and despair lead to fear, which then lead to rage, which then lead to violence.  Somehow I can only think of the current political climate.  A state where currently, we have a U.S. President that espouses fear and hatred far more than empathy and understanding.  As one BBC article recently put it "Donald Trump does politics with one crucial psychological insight. Rage is an emotion that sticks around a lot longer than hope." (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46099744)  How is this a positive thing for the U.S. or the world in general?  Day after day, we fight against the rage and hatred of religious sects and fringe groups that espouse nothing but bigoted disgust and disdain for those different from them. We fight them in the hope that the positive, shining light of democracy will win out. Yet the U.S. President takes joy in rallying the evil troops?

The henchman for 'The IT' in A Wrinkle In Time, is ultimately shown to be a marionette of the entity.  Prior to revealing this, he tells the children "Everything is taken care of in total without options or alternatives."  What a chilling statement.  Almost as chilling as the scene where all the houses on the cul-de-sac are exactly the same, with a single child in each driveway bouncing a ball in absolute unison.  It's a visual statement that leans towards the mindless flock of sheep mentality, which currently seems to be permeating the nation.  However, there are rays of hope.  Not everyone views the world through the same hue of glasses.  Once Meg puts on the prism glasses given to her by the muses when they leave the children on Camazotz, she is able to see that things are not as they seem.  The area is not enclosed, her father is actually held captive there, and she can, in fact, reach him.  I suppose our world is a lot like that.  Sometimes you just need to look through a different set of glasses to find the real answers.

I think that the most poignant moment for me in this movie, stems from another quote from Mrs. Which, "Do you realize how many events and choices had to occur, since the birth of the universe, to lead to the making of you, just exactly as you are?"  

There are times in life when we all feel down, feel depressed, doubt our choices, even doubt ourselves and question our own self-worth.  It happens to everyone.  It's human nature.  It's also a natural part of growing up.  Having those feelings and thoughts, however, does not make them a true reflection of who we are.  Our lives are essentially mirrors.  Mirrors of our thoughts, mirrors of our actions, and most importantly, mirrors of those surrounding us.  Whom we choose to closely surround ourselves with has the ability to, many times, show us the clearest reflection of ourselves, but only if we are willing to look. 

It is easy to get bogged down in the minutiae of societal expectations, political rhetoric, and judgement, but, if we allow ourselves to truly see what those closest to us see in our hearts and minds, we can then begin to embrace and live up to the amazing people we actually have the potential to be, regardless of society's chain gang mentality.  As we learned in Wrinkle, love is the only force that can destroy the darkness of 'The IT'.  Love ultimately destroys jealousy, love destroys judgement, love destroys pain and despair.  How we treat others, how we speak to others, how we respect those who think differently than us, is the truest measure of humanity. That's definitely something that the President, and all of those running for office, should remember every time they open their mouths.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

A Survivor's Take on Marsy's Law

Politics are a messy business.  This country was founded on the rights of all citizens to be heard, and to be considered equal.  It was also founded on the premise that anyone accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty.  That's easier said than done.  There is always doubt.  There are always multiple sides to every story, and in that same vein, each side honestly believes that they are correct in their recollection of the incident.  But what about when there is undeniable proof of a crime?  What happens when the accusations are over, and the hearings, or the trial, are over?  What happens when the restraining orders expire and there are no longer legalities rolling through their governmental red tape processes?  Are the victims of said crime magically healed?  Is the accused suddenly reformed?  Do the rights of one side take precedence over the other?

A few years ago, I unwillingly became a survivor of domestic violence. This is not something that I have shared previously with all of you.  Partially because I am not a person to air personal issues publicly, partially because I was scared of him and did not want the backlash, and partially because no one wants to admit that some proverbial ogre got the better of them.  No. More.  I did not get insanely beaten up, but I was threatened, badgered, verbally battered, bruised, and verbally abused.  My home was trashed and physically shattered, my children and pets were endangered, and I ended up being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from the ordeal.  I lost my confidence, my courage, and my trust in humanity.  Throughout the initial court process a group called Safe Alliance was my lifeline.  They walked me through every point of the process, got me a qualified lawyer to represent and fight for me when I could not, and gave me hugs when I was too terrified of the world to walk out into it.  But they could only go so far.  When my abuser was released from psychiatric commitment, I was not notified by the hospital nor the authorities, I was told by a close friend of his that was concerned for my safety.  After my abuser continually violated the restraining orders I had against him, and months later was jailed for similar crimes against others, I was not notified of his release, nor of the fact that he had reentered the area.  I was notified that he was working in an area nearby by another concerned friend of his, never by law enforcement or the district attorney, as the current law states should occur.  This man ultimately put my children at risk with his violent behavior and threats, and created a hell on earth life for me where I was so terrified of him that I blamed myself for the violence, cowered in fear in my own home, and felt it necessary to push large furniture against the doors nightly for months, until I moved residences without a forwarding address.  Even though there are still, to this day, warrants out for his arrest because of his multiple restraining order violations, the restraining order extension has expired. I worry every time I walk outside and am in constant stress about my children being away from home.  It's no way to live, truly actually Live life.

Marsy's Law is a constitutional amendment on the ballot this election.  Essentially it strengthens protection for victims of crime.  From requiring notification of hearings, escape, parole, and release, to allowing victims to appear at hearings and speak at such, it's a step in the right direction for victims' rights ... IF it's enforced.  Currently, the law in North Carolina states that notification is required "as soon as is practicable, but within 72 hours after identifying a victim covered by this Article, with ...".  It goes on to list available medical services, crime victims' compensation, address and phone number of the district attorney, and access to applicable law enforcement that should be given to the victim involved.  Seeing as my abuser managed to begin violating the initial emergency restraining order within 24 to 36 hours, and even though I called 911 and had all my paperwork, he ran away before they could arrest him, and the police didn't feel it was worth the effort to chase him down, the 72 hour thing appears to be a useless venture.  Furthermore, while the domestic violence team of my local law enforcement agency did do a great job of contacting me on a weekly basis for the first 6 to 8 months after the hearing, no one ever alerted me to his movements or release from any psychiatric or correctional facility.  In dealing with the healing process involved for not just myself, but also my family, those "heads up" moments would have been extraordinarily helpful.  Instead we, as a family, suffered emotional setbacks and continued worry and constant fear due in part to a lack of communication by the authorities and judicial system.  I would hope that my experience would not be the case for victims of felonious violent crime, as domestic violence is only considered a 'misdemeanor',  But, isn't any violent crime against another human being worth preventing and protecting, regardless of what 'label' the law puts upon it?

I know that there are those out there that will argue that once people serve their time, they should not have to endure a life sentence of judicial recrimination.  The ACLU is actually one of the groups lobbying against this Amendment. While I agree with many tenants of what the ACLU stands for, as a survivor of domestic violence who felt failed by the supposed protections of the law during my ordeal, I have a real problem with how our current laws actually follow through on violent crime cases.  I made the mistake of trusting my attacker for years before he brutally betrayed that trust, and still have trouble not startling when I hear noises while walking, or instinctively flinching when I'm not expecting the passing touch of someone nearby.  I cannot imagine what those who endure random violent crime experiences must be facing on a societal trust basis daily!  This Amendment can do wonderful things for those of us that have triumphed over the violent behavior of others, but Only if it is Actually and Consistently Enforced.

I implore law enforcement to take victims' rights seriously, and to actively attempt to enforce what the law already says.  In the hope that Marsy's Law is passed, I beg both law enforcement and the district attorney's offices to adhere to All Notification Stipulations Without Fail.  I know what acquiring post traumatic stress disorder in, what should be the safety of, your own home is like ... I can't imagine the hell that survivors of violent crime in random situations go through daily.

If nothing else spurs you on, then allow this blog to do so.  Get Out There And Vote.  Make your voice heard, and, vote your conscience for this Amendment.  Allow your voice to do for others what violent offenders strip their ability to do for themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

For more information on Marsy's Law:
https://marsyslaw.us

For more information on Safe Alliance:
https://safealliance.org

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org

A Life Worth Living

I know it's been a long time since I posted, and for that I apologize. Life has been, well, Life. Today's events, however, caused me to sit back and contemplate.

I attended the funeral of the mother of one of my childhood friends today. She was a beautiful, amazing woman who brightened the life of anyone she met. She did so right up until the end of her very brief, but truly courageous battle with cancer. Being at that service, and reconnecting with, if only for a moment, all the friends that I cherished so greatly growing up caused me to ponder the true shortness of life. Why does it take a tragedy to bring people out of the daily requirements of our existence to come together?

As a kid, there was a sense of infallibility. We all had it. Our friends, our family, and those who surrounded us would, in our minds, be there for eternity. As we grew into adults, daily life took over. Always a chore, always a preconceived need, always someone or something that required our immediate attention. The days of carefree attention to the moment at hand left by the wayside. My point, is that really the best way to live? Is something like a work deadline, or a household chore really more important than taking active part in our children's & family's lives or taking a few moments to lend an ear to someone we love? Why do we make the mundane tasks of everyday the precedent takers, as opposed to the moments and memories that become so much more long term important when those that we love are no longer there?

The lessons of today, for me anyways, are this ... take time, even if only for a moment each day, to notice the sunshine peeking through the rain clouds. To pay attention to that person who may need a hand. To applaud the small glimpses of brilliance your child has daily. To hug a friend. To really kiss & say loving words to your significant other. To truly listen with both ears regardless of the situation. To simply take a second to breathe deeply and be present and involved with not just your own world, but the world of those you hold dear in your life.

We only get one shot at this go round. Make it count. If we close our eyes and hearts too long, it just might pass us by.

Hugs & love to all
~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Comfort of Happiness

There is a Dean Karnazas quote that states, "Don't confuse comfort with happiness." While in many cases this may be true, I believe that comfort can be the first step to happiness.

Think of the families that are homeless, for no other reason than economic misfortune. Would a warm place to sleep out of the cold rain, and a meal to quell the feelings of hunger in their bellies not bring a small amount of happiness through the acquisition of those basic comforts? Think of the person who lost a loved one or is simply experiencing a difficult time in life. Would a hug from a friend saying "I'm here for you" not bring comfort that helps them heal and eventually feel happiness once again? A child who falls and sustains injury, a mother escaping with her children from an abusive relationship, an elderly resident of a nursing home who simply feels alone as they live out the final years of their life, small gestures of comfort from others bring happiness back, if only for a moment. Even abused and abandoned animals become loving, loyal pets once they're given basic comforts and shown kind actions.

My point is this, while comfort may not be a synonym for happiness, those who feel comforted can more easily find happiness and subsequently comfort others. In this world of constant upheavals and daily stress, if everyone took a single moment each day to utilize comfort as an action instead of a state of their own being, would life, our communities, and the world in general not be happier as a result? Pay it forward. It's the ultimate chain reaction that can change the world.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Lemons Without Sugar

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
The truth is, some people like lemons. They like the tart sourness, and enjoy the taste that scrunches up the faces of others in dismay. Not that there's anything wrong with liking lemons, but in the general living of daily life, it makes you wonder about those who get pleasure or solace from watching others experience discomfort. In some cases, it's not that they actually like the lemon taste, but that they enjoy experiencing that sour taste discomfort in themselves. Why?
Various forms of mental illness can manifest in a similar way. A desire to feel companionship in misery by watching others feel angst. A deep seated self hatred that causes a need to create misery in one's self. A desperate desire to create a catalyst that causes the world around them to take notice and actively care in any form possible. None of it is positive. All of it is treatable ... if only the person allows it to be.
I think of the quote from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, "Everyone's got a little bit of loser in them." It's true. None of us are perfect. The only way that we can get through life and look at ourselves in the mirror on a daily basis with any clarity is to accept that we all hurt and can cause hurt, we all bleed and can cut others, and that we all must take ownership of each and every choice we make in life both positive and negative in order to proceed forward or make things right. None of us are infallible, but we all have the propensity to have empathy for those who require some form of assistance to see that in themselves. Additionally, when you truly love someone who is experiencing a break in their humanistic capacities, you don't damn them, you help them. They may not see it as help initially, but in the end, with proper guidance, they will.
As I write this, I can't help but think of the outpouring of support I've experienced over the past few days. Without it, I wouldn't be writing this post. I'd be curled up in a corner, a dissolving mess, unable to function due to stress and worry over things I have no control. While I've shed more tears lately than I have in a long time, I also know deep in my soul that by helping the one I hold dear in the only way possibly left, I'm doing the best thing I can do for everyone involved. It may not be easy for anyone, but it's the only way that open-minded empathy can continue to survive.
Help, Assist, Care, Support ... Not Shun

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Lessons of Life, Learned From Our Children

Today was National Daughter's Day. That which we learn from our children is so much more than anything we learn about life in any other fashion, so I thought I'd list a Top 6 Life Lessons that my daughter has taught me.

1. Living isn't about you.
From the moment she was born, life and its daily living has been about many other entities than other than myself. From her, to her friends & activities, to simply developing a higher level of empathy for the world surrounding us ... what's important in the world is way more than the space we ourselves exist in.

2. The little stuff matters most.
From crayon drawings, to noticing birds & butterflies, to the interesting shapes that clouds become, the little things in life have the ability to bring the utmost wonder and joy. Appreciation of them makes every day better.

3. Find happiness in the mundane.
As adults, we don't think of our jobs or daily chores as something to rejoice over. Yet, in the eyes of a child, that copier with all the bells and whistles, or the class that you're teaching, or the aura of watching a show you're working on from the stage wings, are the coolest, most incredible smiling moments of the day. Embrace and find awe in what we, as grown ups, find the most normal and boring.

4. Accept everyone.
Kids are colorblind, gender blind, and generally accepting of everyone regardless of race, gender, or creed. I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten, she came home to inform me that she had a new friend. I asked her what her friend was like. She responded that she was fun, funny, intelligent, had black hair, & brown skin. If we all looked at personality traits first, then attributed physical traits to the colors in the crayon box, we might all be a lot less pre-judgemental and a lot more accepting.

5. Physical capabilities have no bearing on the awesomeness of the person.
My daughter became heavily involved in volunteering with special needs children while in middle school. Seeing her work with them, and watching the joy and growth that they achieved just by being allowed to be themselves without judgement or preconceived notions was awe inspiring. The simple act of treating every person, no matter who they are, as an equal brings out the best in everyone.

6. The unknown can be better than anything you dreamed up previously.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was on track to begin a dance career with Paramount. I have never once regretted changing course. The precious moments I've experienced, and the things that I've learned with her, are worth multiple lifetimes of anything I could have done on my own otherwise. Period.

If you have kids, love, adore, appreciate, and learn from them everyday. They truly are a blessing and gift from the greatest of higher powers. If you don't have them, know that if and when you do, your life will irrevocably change for the better. Even if they're someone else's children that you simply are a caregiver for, or mentor to, the daily moments and lessons are the most fantastic you'll ever have the good fortune to learn. Embrace it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Attitude and Options

The life of a pet. Have you ever considered it? No matter what breed of animal they are, we love them like family and tend to discipline them in that same manner. They, of course, respond in kind. A home front chain of command of sorts. The underlings learn to act and respond in the manner in which they are treated. As I watch our dog play with our kitten, greet us excitedly when we arrive home, and hide under the bed when scolded, it occurs to me that humanity isn't that much different.

Whether we want to believe it or not, we are all slaves to our loved ones, our livelihoods, and the society that surrounds us. We strive for approval, love, and positive reinforcement from the people and things that are important to us, and our learned actions (or reactions) tend to mirror that which is done to us on a regular basis. The scriptures that tell us to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," are dead on target when it comes to reciprocating behavior, no matter what species or situation we're dealing with. Why then, do we allow ourselves to live in, to stay a slave to, that which causes us stress, grief, or angst at every turn?

All species have the capacity to love and hate, to act with caring or disdain, to help or to hurt. As humans, we have the additional capacity to actively choose which of those options we wish to utilize in any situation, and, if necessary, we can choose to to walk away from any situation that doesn't meet our needs if we cannot change it to do so. Unlike our pets who may bare their teeth and growl, or run and hide under the furniture in response to negativity, we have the capability to leave and start over. To find a new attitude, a new livelihood, a new living space, a new love of life. While there are constants that will follow us, the ultimate result of how we live is up to us individually. To say that any situation requires us to stay put in misery is unrealistic. Even our pets know when to cut and run. So how do we apply that thought process of finding happiness in our lives?

You may have heard the phrase "It's all about attitude." It truly is. Our attitude towards others, whether they be in positions of power, or those that we have some form of power over as parents, teachers, bosses, or the like ... If we show understanding, caring, and acceptance, it's likely the same will be shown toward us in return. Our attitudes toward ourselves. If we embrace instead of damn ourselves for that which makes us unique and different, and find ways to incorporate those attributes into our lives and livelihoods, we have the fantastic opportunity to live in a way that we can be the most happy and have the fewest regrets. Blaming the actions of others for occurrences in our own lives does no one any good. Ultimately, all of life's scenarios are born of our own choices.

As I write this, our dog is now alternately running around the yard with our neighbor's puppy, and attempting to jump in my lap for a scratch behind the ears. Soon, she'll trot indoors to touch noses with our kitten, then engage in a game of chase that will drive me batty. She is exactly who she is, loud, loyal, loving, playful, energetic, protective, and a bit impish ... no excuses, no regrets. While she tries to listen, learn, and make us happy, she is who she is and would be exactly that regardless of where she was or whom she was with.
A lesson for humanity.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Polite Bully

Do you ever feel invisible? Not literally, of course, but as if the only way that you can be seen by the world is by morphing yourself, your actions, and your attitude, into whatever those around you need in that particular moment, or, only seen as the person that you acted like prior to any level of personal growth? It's maddening, it's frustrating, and it can make you want to shriek, or go crazy in some way, or sink into any form of depression, or all of the above.

I think back to when I was a kid, attempting to determine my place in the world around me. Keep in mind, that I was raised as a Southern girl, which essentially means that I learned how to make someone feel like they were being complimented and cared for while I was telling them off, at a fairly young age. If that sounds wrong or confusing, don't worry, it is for those of us that were raised that way too! Always smile, always be pleasant, whether you're shaking someone's hand, or cursing them out. No wonder therapists have such a solid business ... instead of saying what we truly think and acting in the manner that corresponds, we've been trained to articulate and act in ways that are opposite to what we really think and feel!

Which brings me to my point, we preach to kids to "stop the bullying", but as adults, we engage in exactly that, on a daily basis. Lawyers push their clients and badger their opponents, bankers do the same with finances, salespeople do it with whomever steps into their establishment and looks mildly interested, teachers do so upon occasion in an effort to meld the minds of their students, even as parents we tend to engage in those same narrow-minded tactics to attempt to ensure our children grow up with a similar mindset to ours ... all in the name of "what's right" or "what's best". Why? What's so wrong with people growing, changing, learning, morphing, becoming their own individualistic persons with their own individualistic thoughts and feelings, and having the ability to show those feelings in a way that corresponds appropriately to their verbalization of them? What's wrong with not just giving speaking time to the adage "people change", but actively accepting that they do and letting what is in the past stay in the past, not using it as a judgement tactic in the present? What's wrong with allowing everyone to be exactly who they are and to feel whatever they feel in the immediate moment that it occurs? No judgment, no recriminations, no preconceptions, simply acceptance and a knowledge that even if we don't truly understand or agree, that we can appreciate and empathize with their feelings and points of view.

Honestly, as far as I can tell, the only way that bullying with children will completely cease, is if the adults stop doing it to each other, and ourselves, first.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Of All The Relationships In The World ...

Relationship. The word elicits a slightly different emotion from everyone. Some people lean more towards the Hopeful spectrum, and some people lean more towards the Terrified spectrum. Some towards Excitement, some towards Fear, and some people fall into the Ambivalent sectors. If all of those spectrums of emotion, plus the infinite number of other emotional possibilities, were placed in a Venn diagram, it would probably look like a hot mess mosaic. Mainly, because we all have felt every one of these, and many other unnamed emotions, or a combination thereof, at some point in our lifetimes.

Relationships themselves come in a plethora of forms. Ones that every one of us experience in our daily lives. From the relationships with those that we adore as friends, to the relationships with those we don't trust but still tolerate, from business relationships, to personal relationships, to love relationships, to family relationships; the myriad is endless. Regardless of the type, all relationships have, in my humble opinion, a basic need for what I personally consider the Relationship Fab Five: respect, trust, forgiveness, communication, and joy. If none of these qualities are present, a person tends to fall squarely in the middle of everything negative that's in that aforementioned Venn diagram. If you consider it in terms of the intersecting circles, it's inevitable that we all move slowly through a variety of both the positive and negative intersections on a constant basis. Some periods of time are squarely within the positive sectors, while some periods of time pass through, or occasionally get stuck in, the negative ones. It truly is all fluid motion, thanks in part to basic human nature. That's where my theoretical "Fab Five" come into play. Holding steady in any negative sector pattern only causes stress, grief, and angst for those who are experiencing it, in addition to eventually causing the same for anyone who is around that person. Staying in that negative area too long results in forms of depression and paranoia in all of one's relationships, regardless of whether any of those particular relationships were initially involved with the negativity or not. Sometimes we can get so entrenched in the negative spectrum, that it becomes difficult to find a way out into any of the positive ones. What happens, though, when only one or two of those five attributes are missing?  What about three or four of them? Can the person experiencing this bring themselves out of it? Do that person's relationships stay intact regardless?

I know from personal experience that, for me, if communication is missing, the trust eventually goes down the drain. If the joy is missing, the communication ultimately dies off. If there's no trust, there's not much communication beyond the necessary superficial, which can lead to a lack of respect for both myself and others, which can make it difficult to forgive even the smallest faux pas, which causes the constantly growing perceived mountain of difficulties to eat away at my psyche, which definitely diminishes any joy and happiness. It becomes a horrible, vicious circle of upsetting occurrences both internally and externally. So how do we make it stop? How do we get our fluidity back so that we can move back into the positive sectors? Additionally, once we hit those lower than low places in our lives, we sometimes tend to become our own worst enemy. We lash out at those closest to us simply because they are the targets within the easiest reach. We isolate ourselves and end up berating ourselves internally, which creates a horrible vacuum of emptiness and negative feelings no matter how much effort anyone else in our lives makes to help us out of the abyss. Then what?

Honestly, upon much reflection, I believe the most important relationship we should actively attempt to keep the joy, communication, trust, and, most importantly, respect and forgiveness in, is the relationship with Ourselves. It is not easy. In fact, it is probably the most difficult of all relationships to maintain! In the end though, if we can pull it off, all the rest of our outside relationships will, most of the time, fall much more smoothly into place. I suppose the old adage is true ... "the best things in life don't come easy".

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Domino and Her Kittens .. Lessons Learned

Our kitten had kittens the other night.  I realize this sounds weird. I shall elaborate.

A little stray black kitten that "adopted" us back in early December, ended up pregnant, so we discovered 4 weeks ago. She was so tiny, it was hardly possible that she could be pregnant, but nature has a funny way of proving you wrong. Lo and behold, five tiny beings were added to our household 4 nights ago. We have now gone into the realm of "mommy knows best".

When Domino went into labor, she hopped onto our bed & trusted us throughout the experience. After she had rested a few hours with her newborn kittens, we moved her & her babies into another room, into the comfort of a blanket lined basket. Domino decided, much to the chagrin of my loving boyfriend, that she should move her babies under the bed. Initially we didn't realize it was her decision. As with all groups of small children, there is always the rouge wanderer, and as it was the kitten that had been attempting to go explore since birth, we thought that the kitten had wandered off under the bed. Nope! Domino felt safer with all her children hidden under that bed. I slid a blanket onto the floor under the bed yesterday & she happily moved them onto it. We baby-gated the doorway so our other animals can't get in the room, and now she comes and goes as she sees fit when her babies are sleeping. Earlier today I watched the kittens under the bed ... a small pile of little squirming beings that randomly threw tiny legs upward and mewed ... cutest, best entertainment ever!

Regardless of what we think is best for Domino's kittens, most of which stems from our narcissistic need to view and play with them, Domino knows what is best for her family. Mommies always do. We, the viewing public, may not agree with it because of our own thoughts and wants, but who are we to argue? Soon, very soon, the kittens will open their eyes, gain control of their limbs, and go off exploring throughout the house. Their mother's ideas of safety will no longer be part of the equation. Yet during the time of their tiny, blind-eyed childhood, her protection is the difference between their life and death .. so to speak.

Kittens and humans are definitely different in timelines and needs, but the basis is very similar. Children need their mommies & the love, support, & nourishment, in both philosophical and physical areas, that their mothers give them, until those same children are mature enough to leave the nest. Regardless of what anyone else thinks those kids should have or experience, their mother's love & protection is necessary for a child's success in life going forward. It may be considered far-reaching in some cases, but society should keep that fact in mind. Not everything is about what other people think should or should not be.

Thoughts for pondering.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

What Would You Take?

In the movie "Leap Year", the question is asked, "If your house caught on fire and you only had 10 seconds to grab what's most important to you and get out safely, what would you take?" Think about it. What would you take? In this world that we live in, where possessions sometimes seem to be our most important assets, what would you grab in those 10 seconds? If your brain starts to sift through photos, memorabilia, and heirloom baubles, stop and ponder .... why is your first thought not living creatures? Have we as a society become so attached to what can be purchased, that we've lost track of the importance of humankind? Is the possession of "things" really that important?

No matter what the item, whether it's technology, favorite photos, books, or furniture, a handed-down heirloom, or one-of-a-kind memorabilia, it is, at base level, a Thing. A possession. An inanimate object that could ultimately be bought in some form. While we may have emotional attachments to some of these objects, they are still, in fact, objects that will reside in our memories whether they are next to us or not. Why do we put so much stock into these possessions that our mind would go to those things first in a "grab and get out" situation? At what point did we, as a society, become so brainwashed, that our immediate thoughts would go to saving objects first?

Life. Love. Friendship. Laughter. None of these can be a two-way relationship with an object. A shoulder to lean on. An ear to listen to your worries and triumphs. A source of pride in another's achievements. None of these happen with an inanimate object either. All of these only exist with living, breathing, people. Family, friends, pets (they're family too!) .... shouldn't they be first on the "grab list"?

For me personally, my two children, the love of my life, and our dog & cat are the first and foremost to save. Yes, there are objects in our home that hold a special place in my heart, but they're just objects that can be replaced in some way ..... to me, the living creatures cannot.

Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Humanity At Its Most Fascinating

Yard Sales. Whether you call them "yard" or "garage" or "estate" sales, they're all ultimately the opportunity for "one man's trash" to become "someone else's treasure". There can be so much more than just selling off possessions to those yard / garage / estate sales, though!

We had a "yard sale" this past weekend. I say "weekend", because what was supposed to be just all day Saturday, ended up being both Saturday and Sunday. People who found furniture that they wanted on Saturday, couldn't pick it up till Sunday, so we simply continued the sale through Sunday. It made logical sense to us at the time, so why not? Over the course of those two days we met many neighbors, some awesome couples and families, and a number of random interesting people that we might not have had the opportunity to meet had we not decided to delve into such an adventure. To me, that's always fun, and never a bad thing. Personally, I did learn some valuable humanistic lessons, so I'd like to share my Top Five.....

Lesson 5: That old adage that talks about "Momma is always right", is true no matter what the relationship. From every form of couples that meandered through, to groups of people who "checked with their significant other" before purchasing, if SHE has her mind set on having whatever "It" is, then she shall ultimately have it.  I actually had one guy text me via his wife to say that the pictures looked great, but it didn't matter what he thought anyways as he really didn't get a vote! (I found that hysterical)

Lesson 4: Just because you list a time frame on the sale does not mean people will pay attention to it. Granted, knowing that hard core Saturday yard sale fanatics will show up early, we were ready at 6:00am, which at this time of year, was before sunrise. We had people actually show up, and purchase, via flashlight, before the sun rose that morning! Go figure!! Seeing as there's a whole demographic of people who are night owls, I'm wondering if we should hold the next one beginning at dusk!

Lesson 3: Just because someone appears to be "browsing", doesn't mean they won't buy something. This is where the getting to know others part comes into play. Striking up conversation & finding common ground creates a friendly trust of sorts, which creates bargaining, which leads to sales. Don't knock it till you've tried it!

Lesson 2: Chatting with neighbors that you've never met is a positive thing (regardless of what other neighbors have said about them previously!). Not only can sales end up happening, but it also creates a safer feeling of the neighborhood atmosphere as you end up getting to know each other. That, and just because someone may have a "reputation" in the neighborhood, doesn't mean you can't get to know a different side of them .. which is not a bad thing!

Lesson 1: There are some seriously interesting humans that attend yard sales. From the elderly woman speaking Creole that couldn't count without assistance, to the couple in their 20's who bought a set of luggage ala 1980 that they swore was "vintage", to the 7 year old kid that borrowed money from his buddy's foster mom to purchase a video game (He was too excited and adorable, so I gave him a discount) .... there are monumentally fascinating people all around you that, if you simply take the time to talk with them instead of wandering away because they're not whom you'd normally chat with, become even more monumentally fascinating. I love that! Goes back to the old saying "don't judge a book by its cover". Just because someone doesn't appear to be who you'd want to talk to, doesn't mean they aren't!

To sum it up, the yard sale weekend went great, and what was left over we've sold almost all of on Craigslist or donated to Salvation Army.  In many ways, getting rid of the unused stuff was way less exciting than the getting to know the mass variety of people who came through. And, while the accidental upper body workout via the entire process had me feeling like I would never be able to use my arms again for 24 hours afterwards, I look forward to the next opportunity to do something similar. People in general are so incredibly fascinating!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Opinion or Judgement .. who decides?

The world is an opinionated, judgemental place. Some of this is in good fun, like friends getting together, sharing stories, & ribbing each other good-naturedly. Unfortunately, much of it is not that way. From political ads on television slamming the opponent for views of opposition, to "talking trash" about the beliefs, actions, attire, and/or life choices of others, to simply sharing unasked for and unnecessary opinions that smack of negativity .... are we so egotistical as a society,  that constantly playing the eternal judge & jury of others' choices is a necessary component of living?
Opinions are a fact of life. We all have them, we all share them via conversation, or social media, or electronic communications. We are all entitled to our opinions, whether others agree with them or not .... hence the rights of a "free society". Where, though, does the line begin between what is an Opinion & what is a Judgement? When does an opinion become a judgement?
To my personal understanding, an opinion is something that is important to someone for their own reasons, and, if shared with others, is shared on the level of discussion that incorporates give and take with those others.
There seems to be a lot of "opinions" out there being shared that are put forth more so as "judgments". Not open for discussion or exchange of ideas, just a pure, hard-headed way of looking at any situation without room for other viewpoints .. aka  Judgements. Do people not understand that this tactic only brings about negative feelings and harsh replies to the sayer? The most brilliant minds over the past two-hundred years in our societies had many opinions that they put forth as discussion points .. because of this we now have a better understanding of the human mind & body, the Earth, and the universe as a whole. In my humble opinion, that should be taken into consideration with our communication on a daily basis.
No two people have the exact same beliefs, opinions, and/or viewpoints on any level or subject. To put an opinion out into whatever form of the universe that one chooses, in an effort to foster communication, is a wonderful thing that should be done. To judge without the consideration of all the facts or a lack of knowledge of the other parties involved is simply rude.
Imagine hanging out at any establishment and seeing a person who has an unfortunate case of alopecia. Have you talked with them & realized that they're going through chemotherapy, or genetically they have a predisposition to this,  or do you just laugh at them behind their back?
Imagine hanging out at that same establishment and seeing a person who is clinically obese or, on the flip side, skeleton thin. Do you chat with them and get to know them as a person? Maybe they have a glandular disorder. Maybe they have an eating disorder. Maybe they've been going through an immensely emotional trauma that has caused one of those extremes to occur. Do you take that into consideration before making snide comments?
Imagine seeing a photo on social media that isn't the most flattering of someone. Do you automatically assume they're being stupid or totally trashed? Or do you give them the benefit of the doubt that not all photos are flattering?
Opinions versus Judgements. The line is thin and gray at times, but in the interest of a society that works together, should we not think it through before speaking in any form? Food for thought.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Valuable Commodity of Trust

There are moments in life that occur on a regular and/or semi-regular basis, that you want to share with your friends ... Especially those specific friends who get what you're going through, or talking about. The ones who have similar life experiences. The ones that you implicitly trust. What happens, though, when those people no longer exist in your life?

Friendship break ups are similar to lover break ups, but somehow worse. There's always those small things that you associate with a particular person that makes you miss them. Situations or occurrences that bring up memories of good times, of shared experiences, but none of those instances make you okay with allowing that person back into your life. You might want to share with them despite the circumstances, but the thought of any form of contact makes you feel timid, insecure, and without trust for any conversation or revelations that would come of such contact. There is no way possible that you can imagine doing so without causing horrible anguish to yourself and your psyche. 

Why is that? Why do we have difficulty trusting our own judgment in the after effect of removing those who are toxic for us, or simply not good for us to associate with, from our lives?

Unfortunately, it's even worse when a group of friends break up (so to speak). There's second guessing,  mistrust, variance in alliances,  & worry that what one might say in confidence to another, may be retold incorrectly and judged unfairly by those whom you've cut ties with. It sucks.

Which leads me to my point .... why can't we live a life, with those who we deem closest to us, Without Judgment? Why can't we accept those we choose to love and trust for who they are, resist the tendency to jump to conclusions, ask them directly if we don't understand, and support them in the decisions that they make for their own lives, which might be different than what we may ultimately choose for our own?

There's always that one friend who, you may not agree with their life decisions, but you support them in what they feel is best for themselves,  regardless of whether or not it's best for you. There's always that friend who, at times, you become concerned about, but because you value and cherish the friendship, you talk through your concerns, even though you may want to jump to conclusions via gossip heard.

Is friendship truly trustworthy? Is it ok to share your deepest, darkest secrets with someone that you have no guarantee may turn on you at a critical moment?  It makes you wonder ... and, unfortunately, question your own judgment of the trustworthiness of those who are closest to you.

Still wondering. Trust is a valuable,  fragile commodity that, when broken, is truly difficult to earn back.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

6 Things Someone Should Never Say To A Person With An Eating Disorder

I read an absolutely wonderful article by Anna Breslaw entitled "10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression". ( http://www.cosmopolitan.com/_mobile/sex-love/advice/things-not-to-say-depression ) It was dead on, and quite fantastic. As I myself was diagnosed with depression in conjuction with my eating disorder, I felt inspired to write a similar version for eating disorders themselves ... here goes .......

1. Just EAT. It's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it IS that big of a deal. As someone with an eating disorder (Anorexia / Bulimia in my case), I am usually either freaked out by eating in the first place, terrified (illogically, i realize) of looking and feeling like a beached whale if I do so, worried that if I eat anything at all I may not win the battle of keeping it down, and paranoid about eating anything in front of someone else, especially someone who would make that statement.  Most people who suffer from eating disorders feel some or all of these things too. To a "normal" person, munching down on a burger and fries, or a slice of pizza when hunger occurs is no big deal. To someone suffering from an ED, it's not only a huge deal, it messes with your mind and can freak you out for an entire evening. Don't assume or act like it's an attitude issue.

2. You look so healthy!
Obviously, whomever says this is attempting a compliment, but to someone with an eating disorder, compliments that focus on the physical get warped in our heads. The word "healthy" is worst of all. In this age of the media driven American Obesity Epidemic, the word "healthy" becomes "huge", or "humongous", or "hefty", or any other adjective that begins with the letter H and is defined as Large. It may not make sense, but that's what happens. Compliment our shoes, clothes, hair, or new mani pedi, and we'll be just fine. Compliment our physicality, especially with the word "healthy", and you run the risk of us obsessing over and mentally picking apart every flaw we perceive in every body part we possess for at least the next 5+ hours.

3. Do you know how many fat grams are in that?!
Why yes, we do. We probably also know the calorie count, exact serving size, sodium, and carb counts, and may have even memorized the entire nutrition label. Don't go there.

4. I'm on this new diet /exercise program that's fantastic! You should try it!
Good job. The person saying this has now basically (to our way of thinking), said that we are fat, ugly, or need physical improvement in some form. While many times a statement of this form is simply someone who's excited about what they're doing in their own life and wants to share it conversationally, to someone with an ED it registers as a big put-down.  Most people don't mean it that way, but that's how we process it in our heads. Additionally, if whomever is saying something like that is already aware the person they're talking to has an eating disorder .... well that's either just plain mean, or a show of stupidity, or both.

5. You don't have enough food on your plate! .. or .. You should really eat more.
Most of the time, this one is said by a well-meaning family member who is offering their opinion with zero malice whatsoever. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us any less self-conscious or uncomfortable. Here's the truth. If we're actually attempting to eat, don't give us a hard time about it. Better yet, ignore the fact that we're eating completely. Just because we may carefully measure out, or even weigh out our portions does not mean that we "need more", it means we're trying to get normal and healthy with our eating.

6. You don't Look like you have an eating disorder!

There is no "look" that is universal for an eating disorder. Period. Even if we're 5'6" and weigh 98 pounds soaking wet, we still view ourselves as imperfect or fat. EDs come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and nationalities.  Don't assume. Things are not always what they appear to be.

I'm only going to go as far as "The Top Six", because there are so many facets to various forms of Eating Disorders that it would end up being a "Top 100" if I were to try to hit all of them. The bottom line is this; eating disorders are a documented disease. They begin because of many possible entities, some more tragic and damaging than others, and morph into every possible form of mental anguish as the person suffering attempts to control them .. because in reality, we are controlled by them in almost every way imaginable.  They create intense personal, mental, and self-esteem issues, distort our thought processes, are a cause of many relationship issues, and are a catalyst for health problems that can ultimately kill you. They require long-term therapy and medical oversight, major support, and love without judgment to overcome. As with many healing processes, things can and will get worse before they get better if the person is trying to fight to get well ... kind of like cleaning out a closet.

The best path to take, if you love someone who deals with an ED, is to daily hug, love, be open-minded (regardless of your understanding or lack thereof), and simply say "I'm here for you ... no judgment". Honestly though, don't we All want that from those around us anyway?

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Myth Of Perfection

Perfection. The ultimate, always desired, unattainable goal. We all want it in some form. Rarely does one hear someone say "I'm striving for average." Yet what is perfection? Is it a universal entity, or something that is completely subjective to each individual? Why does it stress us out so badly when it's supposed to be (theoretically) what will cause the greatest happiness? If someone puts forth their best effort possible under their particular circumstances, but can't quite achieve what others view as the best possible outcome, does that mean that person is doomed to live a life of disappointment?  A life in which they'll never measure up? Why is it so important to so many of us to be the best and most successful according to other's perceptions?

We're bombarded with it daily. Every time we turn on a television and see a commercial, every time we open a magazine, every time someone tells us we can do or be better, every time we look in the mirror and see even a minute flaw that others may not even notice. It's always there. Haunting us. Telling us subconsciously that we don't measure up. Reminding us that we are not everything that "should" be or that we try to be. Why? If you don't look like "this", or live your life like "this", or dress a certain way, or follow a certain thought process, or make straight A's, or achieve a certain level of financial success .... the list goes on and on. It's exhausting.

Perfection is a myth. A horrible, demeaning myth designed by those who probably are in some way dissatisfied or disappointed with their own lives and wish for others to be as dissatisfied and disappointed as they are. No one is perfect in every facet of their life and being. No one goes through their days on this earth without making a single mistake. We all have our great moments, our screw-up moments, and even our awkward moments. It's called being Human.

Personally, I beat myself up constantly over mistakes and "imperfections" of every kind. I'm learning to work on that. To attempt to ignore the voices in every direction around me and work towards what's the best I can be. It isn't easy, but I'm sure it will ultimately be worth it once I get there. Maybe that's what perfection really is. The ability to recognize the naysayers and societal pressure, then simply put forth your best efforts and do what's best for your own life in the end. Thoughts to ponder.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

There's No One Perfect Answer

Today a friend confided horrid news that's left her feeling broken and embarrassed and depressed. Same thing happened with another friend a few days ago, something happened that left her feeling hurt and helpless and worried. While the situations are different, the results are similar. It happens to all of us at some point. Something unfortunate or horrible happens due to the actions of others, and we're left to muddle through a myriad of terrible, self-recriminating emotions. Why do we ultimately allow others, no matter how close, to have such control over how we feel about ourselves?

I am one of the world's worst about this. I tend to turn around negative situations and blame myself immediately. I try not to, I attempt to think it through logically, reminding myself that I cannot control the actions of others, but it's just not that easy to move beyond the depression and self-hatred sometimes.

A wise person once told me that our Feelings in reaction to any situation are Never wrong. It's what we Do with those feelings, our Actions in response to them, that can be appropriate or inappropriate. I find that somehow comforting. It's okay to feel these horrible, uncomfortable emotions, but as long as we find a way to actively release them that works for us and doesn't cause additional stress to any innocent bystanders in the process, then there's no wrong way to go about it. Be it confiding in a friend who has a great shoulder to cry on, be it joining a support group or talking to a professional, be it painting, or exercise, or long walks, or rearranging the furniture in every room of the house .... there's no one correct way to release and move forward. It's whatever works for each individual.

I suppose it's all ultimately a healing process. Our feelings towards ourselves, our feelings towards those who caused our pain, how we ultimately find the strength, courage, fortitude, and forgiveness to move forward with our lives in a new direction that we might never have planned for. The point is, that we Move Forward. Some of the most beautiful things in life can eventually grow out of the muck, if we only allow them to do so.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress