The Mantra Table

There's a dining table on my back patio. Not unusual. Many people have such things. In this case, it's a table I rescued from being thrown out with the trash & refinished ... well, am in the constant process of refinishing. I call it my "mantra table".

Most of you know that I paint ... it's a great way to quiet my mind when I'm stressed or worried. This table constantly gets updates, new colors, new words of theoretical wisdom ... two days ago I was repainting many of the words that had gotten worn down. Ones like "truth", "support", "insight", "hope", "strength", "love", etc. Normally, I put a coat of polyurethane over the dried paint to protect it from the weather. Unfortunately, we had a series of thunderstorms happen before I could accomplish that. I came out today to realize that most of what I had done had been washed away by the storms. The only word that held? "Insight".

To me, that's a sign. In most cases, I paint and repaint that table in an effort to quell the fears and quiet the negative thoughts. To have "insight" as the only word remaining caused me to contemplate the meaning of a clean slate. Going back over that which you constantly battle daily isn't always the best healing process. Letting go and starting over with a fresh canvas, or clean slate is a much more positive way of thinking. Hanging on to that which is past and cannot be changed is rarely a healthy activity.

So now, I need your help. I'd like to create positive word mantras of every language for this table. You can send them to me via comment on this blog (I won't post the comments if you tell me not to), send them to me on Twitter or Facebook, or via email, it doesn't matter. Send them in your language or mine ... I want to create a table that's a positive world of mantras. Not just my own. The "slate" is now clean. Let's start filling it with new positives in every language!

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Twitter: @GirlInThLBD

Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/GirlInTheLittleBlackDress

Lessons from "Orange Is The New Black"

I began watching a show recently called Orange is the New Black. Technically, as it's on Netflix, I got a bit hooked and watched the entirety of Season One in 2 days!

The show is a compilation of amazing, heart-wrenching yet warming, terrifying stories about a group of female characters in Federal Prison. Who they were before, and how the choices they made that landed them there. It makes you ponder ...

I dare anyone over the age of 17 to say they've never done a single illegal thing. From turning right on red when the sign says not to, to running a stop sign by accident, to trying pot once because your friends were, to sipping wine underage. No one on this planet can say that they've never made a choice that wasn't in their best interests. As Sean Connery once said "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time." Although, I doubt most of us thought it that far through!

There are so many relatable characters in this show. From the main character who has a short sentence but keeps making choices based on the "outside world" as opposed to the "prison bubble", to the Transgender just attempting to do best by his wife & son, to the athlete who simply wanted to fit in but made bad decisions by doing so, to the tales inside the prison of the need for simple human contact. It's essentially high school on steroids with a meth drug twist. The guards are warped, the system is biased ...... talk about shades of life!

We all have our own "prison". Mine is my ED and all the misgivings and second guessing, self-doubt that goes with it .... others have anything possible that attempts to bring them down & hold them where they'd rather not be. We've all made choices in our lives that, if caught and prosecuted, could have sent us to jail. We all feel trapped, and without choices or other options at times.

The final show of Season One ends with the main character, imprisoned for transporting drug money one time ten years prior, beating up a woman who's trying to kill her, who was actually imprisoned for killing an abortion nurse, after her 5th abortion, but the Christian right wing is paying all her legal fees, and she now feels she's the mouthpiece of God because she's been "forgiven by God". It's the definition of lava hot mess. Currently, my ex-husband is attempting to continue the bullying, abusive tactics he employed during our marriage almost a decade ago in a custody battle for our son. I'm using words instead of fists to fight him, but isn't it basically the same?

The characters in this show work through their past mistakes and attempt to learn and better themselves from such. Most of us try to do the same. We screw up, we pay the price or "do the time", and move on. Unfortunately, there are people out there who constantly and consistently judge every one of us by our past transgressions ... even if we've made up for them, learned from them, and attempted to better ourselves from the lessons learned from them. These judgemental people are the saddest, most insecure humans on the planet. Anyone who is so insecure or self-centered with their own life that does not have the ability to see or appreciate strides made in the area of reparations by others, well, I pity those people. The ones who are so miserable, or stressed out by their own lives, that they have to pass judgment on others just to make themselves feel better.  It's a much worse fate than anyone who owns up to a mistake and pays the price for it.

So to those people out there that deem themselves to know what's best for everyone else who happens to pass through their lives, to those who regard anyone who doesn't think or act in exactly the same way as they personally do, to those who can't appreciate the beauty of the forest because they're too busy looking at the knots on the tree trunks ... take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty of the differences in the world. Those who don't, are missing out on more beautiful facets of life and original thought process than they'll ever know.

Everyone makes mistakes. The mistakes are not what should define a person. It's what someone Does with the Lessons from those mistakes that are a truer definition of who they are.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

The Love Of A Pet

We lost a family member today. Our 16 year old cat, Tini. Actually, she was my boyfriend's cat, but she "adopted" me from the beginning of our relationship. She loved burrowing under the covers to lay up against our legs at night ... purring away with pure pleasure. She may have been old, but if a bird or squirrel showed up, she was as fast as a kitten going after it! Sweet, lovey, cuddly, purring Tini. We love you so much, there's no way we could allow your final days on this earth to be pure agony from the tumor that invaded your body.
I'm going to quote a poem that is not mine, but is appropriate, called "Rainbow Bridge":

Just this side of Heaven, is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water, and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor, those who were hurt or maimed are made whole again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing. They each miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. Their eyes are bright and intent, their eager body begins to quiver.
Suddenly, they begin to run from the group, flying over the green grass, their legs carrying them faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face, and happy purr murmurs whisper in your ears, your hands caress the beloved head and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together.

RIP Tini. We love you dearly and already miss you terribly.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Sometimes "Everything" is an adage

As many of you who read my blogs may have noticed, I've had an emotional couple weeks. While yes, I do tend to write in generalities, I do actually write from life experiences ... mainly to refocus my brain in a more positive manner!

There are so many events and situations that have occurred over these past few weeks, I feel like I'm spinning in a never ending emotional tornado at times.

My boyfriend made a comment the other day regarding stresses of his own, "I know all of this is supposedly happening for a reason or lesson. How do I determine what that is?!" That, is the ultimate question for which there is no clear answer. Some people say "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Others say "it takes a truly strong person to cry, to let things out, and to attempt to move forward with life." Still others say "You're only as strong as you choose to allow yourself to be," and even other people say "you make the bed, you gotta lie in it!" After much thought, introspection, and consideration, I believe a combination of all these to be true. Allow me to explain ....

While everything we do in life is, in reality, an active choice we make at that time, and how we choose to handle the repercussions or glories of those choices are no one's responsibility but our own, there are many situations in life that occur completely out of our control. Some are great, some are horrid, some are euphoric, and some resemble the depths of hell. I said in a previous blog that it was told to me that our Feelings are never wrong, our Actions resulting from and our Reactions to those feelings are what make the difference.

Personally, I've made some really stupid, horrible decisions in life, but I've made some incredibly fantastic, fabulous ones too. We all have. At times we all feel hopeless or hopeful, like a failure or a complete success, sad or happy, elated and ambitious or in the depths of despair.  A person pointed out to me recently "I've watched you lose everything", yet I've gained so much!  I lost my job via illness and layoff, but gained my sanity and life direction. I lost my car, but gained freedom in so many ways including walking through a park daily to get home just because it's there and I don't have the transportation crutch of a car to keep me from choosing not to. If "losing everything " is mainly to do with the things that can be bought, well, they're worth losing to make room for better, more important things.

I choose to be a mom and do the best I can for my children daily. That may not always be monetary ability, but they talk to me, we have amazing times together by mutual choice, and I try to be there for them with an open ear and open mind no matter what. I choose to live with the man that I love and adore. Every day may not be perfect bliss, but we are each others' trust, rock, and absolutely the "yin to each other's yang". I choose to be a full time student, not only to ultimately have a true career in an area I'm interested in and passionate about, but also to set the example for my kids that it's never too late to go back and complete what was started in the first place or to be what you truly should and wanted to be in the first place. I live in a place and area of this city that I love, my partner is the love of my life, I'm fascinated by what I study in school, I get paid to choreograph, dance, act, and paint ... I simply don't see the aforementioned loss of "Everything".

Recently I watched my youngest child go through "graduation" ceremonies from elementary to middle school. I cried. Yep, I did. I cried with pride for all he's accomplished, and mommy worry over all that he has yet to experience that I'll not be able to protect him from. I felt nostalgia for those moments in his childhood when he would run immediately to me if anything scary in his life occurred. My hope for him is that he learns the lessons I've learned at an earlier age than I.

In response to the original adages, if you're not physically killed by it, can find a way to get whatever "it" is out of your system through cathartic and/or positive activities, push forward to better yourself in whatever way possible, admit your faults and pay your dues for those faults if needed, treat others in the same empathic manner in which you yourself would hope to be treated, and to simply put your feet on the ground to attempt to move forward daily, there's no way that those universal reasons won't reveal themselves in due time.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

6 Things Someone Should Never Say To A Person With An Eating Disorder

I read an absolutely wonderful article by Anna Breslaw entitled "10 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression". ( http://www.cosmopolitan.com/_mobile/sex-love/advice/things-not-to-say-depression ) It was dead on, and quite fantastic. As I myself was diagnosed with depression in conjuction with my eating disorder, I felt inspired to write a similar version for eating disorders themselves ... here goes .......

1. Just EAT. It's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it IS that big of a deal. As someone with an eating disorder (Anorexia / Bulimia in my case), I am usually either freaked out by eating in the first place, terrified (illogically, i realize) of looking and feeling like a beached whale if I do so, worried that if I eat anything at all I may not win the battle of keeping it down, and paranoid about eating anything in front of someone else, especially someone who would make that statement.  Most people who suffer from eating disorders feel some or all of these things too. To a "normal" person, munching down on a burger and fries, or a slice of pizza when hunger occurs is no big deal. To someone suffering from an ED, it's not only a huge deal, it messes with your mind and can freak you out for an entire evening. Don't assume or act like it's an attitude issue.

2. You look so healthy!
Obviously, whomever says this is attempting a compliment, but to someone with an eating disorder, compliments that focus on the physical get warped in our heads. The word "healthy" is worst of all. In this age of the media driven American Obesity Epidemic, the word "healthy" becomes "huge", or "humongous", or "hefty", or any other adjective that begins with the letter H and is defined as Large. It may not make sense, but that's what happens. Compliment our shoes, clothes, hair, or new mani pedi, and we'll be just fine. Compliment our physicality, especially with the word "healthy", and you run the risk of us obsessing over and mentally picking apart every flaw we perceive in every body part we possess for at least the next 5+ hours.

3. Do you know how many fat grams are in that?!
Why yes, we do. We probably also know the calorie count, exact serving size, sodium, and carb counts, and may have even memorized the entire nutrition label. Don't go there.

4. I'm on this new diet /exercise program that's fantastic! You should try it!
Good job. The person saying this has now basically (to our way of thinking), said that we are fat, ugly, or need physical improvement in some form. While many times a statement of this form is simply someone who's excited about what they're doing in their own life and wants to share it conversationally, to someone with an ED it registers as a big put-down.  Most people don't mean it that way, but that's how we process it in our heads. Additionally, if whomever is saying something like that is already aware the person they're talking to has an eating disorder .... well that's either just plain mean, or a show of stupidity, or both.

5. You don't have enough food on your plate! .. or .. You should really eat more.
Most of the time, this one is said by a well-meaning family member who is offering their opinion with zero malice whatsoever. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us any less self-conscious or uncomfortable. Here's the truth. If we're actually attempting to eat, don't give us a hard time about it. Better yet, ignore the fact that we're eating completely. Just because we may carefully measure out, or even weigh out our portions does not mean that we "need more", it means we're trying to get normal and healthy with our eating.

6. You don't Look like you have an eating disorder!

There is no "look" that is universal for an eating disorder. Period. Even if we're 5'6" and weigh 98 pounds soaking wet, we still view ourselves as imperfect or fat. EDs come in all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and nationalities.  Don't assume. Things are not always what they appear to be.

I'm only going to go as far as "The Top Six", because there are so many facets to various forms of Eating Disorders that it would end up being a "Top 100" if I were to try to hit all of them. The bottom line is this; eating disorders are a documented disease. They begin because of many possible entities, some more tragic and damaging than others, and morph into every possible form of mental anguish as the person suffering attempts to control them .. because in reality, we are controlled by them in almost every way imaginable.  They create intense personal, mental, and self-esteem issues, distort our thought processes, are a cause of many relationship issues, and are a catalyst for health problems that can ultimately kill you. They require long-term therapy and medical oversight, major support, and love without judgment to overcome. As with many healing processes, things can and will get worse before they get better if the person is trying to fight to get well ... kind of like cleaning out a closet.

The best path to take, if you love someone who deals with an ED, is to daily hug, love, be open-minded (regardless of your understanding or lack thereof), and simply say "I'm here for you ... no judgment". Honestly though, don't we All want that from those around us anyway?

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress