The Key To Happiness: Fact or Fiction?

There are literally thousands of articles, books, blogs, and quotes that claim to tell us what the "key to happiness" is.  Some are old, some new, some are based more in religious origins, and some are more based in adages or folktales.  They all give us different, yet similar words of wisdom.  So what exactly is this elusive key? Is it able to be found? Is it a constant for everyone?

I believe the answer is no.  No, it cannot be "found" like a lost article of clothing or a good luck trinket.  No, it is not a constant entity that is the same for everyone.  No, it is not one single simplistic word, or thought, or action, or way of doing things, or entity of any kind.  I have come to learn, that the key to happiness is within yourself.  An individual way of thinking, acting, and living that exists in each of us.  Allow me to elaborate.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a girl that honestly believed that if she did everything that everyone else wanted her to do in the exact way that made everyone else happy, she would be the best person she could be, and therefore, be happy herself.  Over a period of many years, she came to realize that just because someone else wanted things done a certain way, or thought that she should act or be a certain way, that was ultimately life as it should be lived according to that other person, not to her. In essence, she was making herself miserable, and losing the parts of herself that made her happy, by trying so desperately hard to make sure everyone else was happy and secure with how she handled everything in her life. Once she came to this realization, and began to do things in ways that worked for her, some of those close to her initially got their feelings hurt and many eventually faded out of her life, and, some of those that she thought were positive for her life turned out to be not so positive for her at all. There were a few, though, that even though they initially were confused or resisted the change, ultimately became the people who truly respected, understood, and are, to this day, her closest confidants and biggest supporters.  That change also opened her up to new people who loved and respected her for exactly who she was and how she chose to live.

The moral of the story is this ...... happiness is what works for each individual person.  There is no "key".  There is no one single path.  There is no magic potion or perfect way of acting or living.  It is simply being who you are and not allowing anyone or anything else, be it friend or foe, family or non, neither colleagues nor strangers, to have the power to control or change what is ultimately best for You.

Life is filled with combinations of stress and relaxation, happiness and sadness, joy and despair, hopeful moments and depressive moments.  That's the point.  Living each of them to the fullest makes us human.  Squelching our natural selves so that others are happy doesn't allow us to live those moments at all.  Our ability to be happy also changes in nature over time.  What worked when we were kids, or teenagers (did anything work when we were teenagers?!), changes.  Through each decade of life, and each stage of life, that which makes us most happy is in constant flux, yet, if we allow ourselves to simply be ourselves, it can absolutely be found within each of us, and happiness achieved.

I challenge everyone reading this blog to try at least one of these .... the next time you walk to the store or walk the dog, notice something new or different that you pass every 10 to 12 steps; the next time you go into a store of any kind, smile at someone for no reason at all or say "have a great day" to a total stranger; and notice the reactions in both yourself and the other person. The next time you feel stressed out, paint what you feel, or play with a pet, or knit a scarf in bright colors you wouldn't normally use, or plant a beautiful flower by your window.  Notice the beauty of the most simple things around you.  Do a yoga sun salutation each morning, or simply take your coffee cup with you outdoors, breathe in the air and look at what's surrounding you, wherever you may be. The smallest things can be the biggest triggers to finding your niche, so don't discount them.

Whatever works for You, is Your key to happiness.  It doesn't have to be complex, it's simply whatever brings a smile to your face, or a temporary quiet to your mind.  Find it and embrace it, whatever "it" may be.


~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

In The Aftermath of Beloved Loss ... What Can We Learn?

Robin Williams died today.  Not via some physically degenerating disease, or by someone else's hand, his demise was to succumb to suicide after a long, difficult battle with depression.  The ripple effect created by anyone's suicide is enormous and debilitating for those left behind in its wake.  No tidal wave or tsunami on this planet can wreak the level of havoc that is felt emotionally by those affected, especially the ones closest to the suicide victim.  

Yes, victim.  I use the word victim because even though the person may have taken their life by their own hand, the weeks, the days, the moments leading up to such a final decision are as excruciating and painful as any physical disease could possibly be.  We've all seen that commercial with the phrase "depression hurts", but unless you've been in the depths of despair that true, deep depression creates, you have no idea of how it affects one's mind, one's outlook, one's self-perception.  While we, as an audience, adored, appreciated, and admired Robin Williams for many years as an actor and comedian, and we, as an audience, feel deep sorrowful loss over his death, he may have never realized how far reaching our true appreciation of him and his craft continued to be.  Depression is a disease that plays horrible tricks on your psyche, and, left untreated or not properly and effectively treated, can ultimately kill you just as easily as any brain tumor.  It can cripple a person of its own accord, or in conjunction with a variety of other emotional or mental issues such as bi-polar disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, eating disorders ..... the list is endless.

I can only imagine the intense pain, grief, and moments of "what if" that his family and closest friends are experiencing right now.  I myself have been on both sides of that kind of grief and pain.  From losing close friends to suicide at a young age and dealing with the "what if" guilt, to being in the depths of depression so severe that I contemplated, and at one point actually planned, the same suicidal demise for myself.  Both sides are horrible places to be, but for those left behind, the horror is infinitely longer lasting and can affect your countenance, your emotions, and your decision processes with regards to relationships for the rest of your life.

My heart goes out to his family and friends, and I sincerely hope that they ultimately receive the counselling so integral to not allowing his death to take over the remainder of their lives.  For anyone who is contemplating the same fate, don't.  No matter how dark and filled with a black void the future seems, it truly is not.  Get help.  And if you know someone who seems to be going down that dark path of severe depression, reach out.  If I hadn't had a friend reach out to me many years ago under those same circumstances, I wouldn't be here today writing this blog you're reading!  Above all, never forget that no matter how bleak or desperate life seems at the moment, or has seemed over however long a period of time, there is always good, there are always those who care whether you realize it or not, and there is always HOPE ... no matter how far-fetched it may seem at the current moment.  

Robin Williams may have died, but don't allow his death to be a blotch on the psyche of society, allow it to raise awareness for the severity and consequences that mental illness and depression can create.  He brought joy to so many through the last few decades.  Maybe his death can raise awareness to the point that others who may not have sought help before, learn to find joy within themselves.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Help For and Information About Depression:

• http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/help-for-depression#TreatmentFacts1
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
• http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/18/9-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/

Suicide Assistance:

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
• http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
• http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

The Demise of Self-Doubt?

There comes a time in life when standing up for yourself is the only option. Actually, there's probably many times in life of this nature, but for some reason many of us seem to skirt the issue and try to placate or "make nice" instead of meeting it head on. Meeting such issues head on can be extremely daunting. Even the thought of doing so can bring up feelings of guilt from concern for other's feelings, self-doubt from actually standing up for yourself if you're not the type of person that does such a thing very often, worry for the ripple effect of ramifications that might occur .... in essence, over thinking every nuance instead of just taking a deep breath and announcing "I will not be bullied any longer!" If you're dealing with an ex or a family member, the second guessing of yourself can become extremely harsh. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we acquiesce to what we know is not right for us, just to keep the peace? What is it that causes us to not only be our own worst critic, but to take those internal criticisms so to heart, that we freeze instead of standing up to the people in our lives who attempt to judge, control, and overtake it for their own agenda? Why does being our own worst critic seem to culminate in the creation of ourselves as our own worst enemy?

Personally, I've had multiple opportunities to stand up for myself in my life. Many, I didn't take advantage of simply out of fear for one reason or another. Lately, when those opportunities have presented themselves, I have taken advantage of them. Stood up for myself, and my beliefs. Then, unfortunately, I end up with more fear, feelings of guilt for possibly making a situation more volitile (even though that may not be the case), worry and dread over the possible responses or repercussions ... but somewhere, deep down inside, is a small, glimmering light of pride and hope. Actually being proud of myself for not allowing someone to push me around, and hope that my words and actions will result in something better going forward. The fear is larger and stronger than that small, glimmering light, but using every ounce of my being to focus on that little light instead of the fear, helps me to realize that there is, in fact, hope for a better day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day with endless possibilities. Don't let today's issues cause you to miss out on it.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress

Life Learned From Art

Show closings are always bittersweet.  The show that I've been performing in closed last night. It has been an absolutely fantastic run. Great, productive rehearsals with just enough goofing off and laughing at each other, sold out shows, constant adrenaline highs from enthusiastic audiences, stellar reviews, laughter & inside jokes backstage with the cast, and the thrill of being cast with and getting to perform as a couple with my "significant other" .... after the final curtain closes and the final bows are taken it's both disconcerting & somehow a bit sad.

No more show calls, no more rehearsals, no more adjusting schedules to make sure one is where one needs to be with time to get into character, and, if it's a show night, transform yourself physically into whatever character you're portraying. Initially, it feels confusing & weird.  Like, what do people do when they have free time??

Every show I perform in, I somehow seem to learn a lesson or two of some sort. It may be because of the direction, or the interaction with the cast, or the character I'm portraying herself, but there always seems to be at least one life lesson there.

This show in particular, I played a narcissistic, sexually independent woman who happens to be having a "fling" with a mafia hitman .... who just happens to be her therapist's brother. Needless to say, that is not where my lessons occurred ... other than possibly learning my character's ability to completely let go and be exactly who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks .. which is not necessarily a bad lesson for my life!

This show, however, taught me Perseverance. No matter what else is happening in your life or how stressful it may be, persevere to be prepared, know your lines, understand your character, interact with and actively listen to what's going on around you, and above all, leave your personal issues outside the stage door. Step away from the malarkey of daily life and honestly become a completely different person (in the eyes of the audience) for a few hours a night. That truly is one of the beauties (and benefits!) of acting. The ability to step out of your own life for a few hours a day. It is a lesson, however, that can be applied under normal circumstances.

There will always be things both small and large in our lives that will cause stress, cause pain, cause anguish, or simply create complete befuddlement of our brains. The ability to step away, let go, and focus on what's directly in front of you that needs your attention at the time, to persevere no matter what else is happening around you is an attribute that we all should strive for. Without it, we allow the negative and mundane to take over our lives, and we risk missing out on the fabulous moments that we could achieve if only we continued to focus & persevere.

Life is a marathon. Don't give up just before the final mile is finished. There just might be something fantastic around that final corner.

~ The Girl In The Little Black Dress